Egad! Is it already that close to October 6th! This is our deadline for applying to be one of the inaugural speakers of the Terry talks student conference. Well, the short answer is yes – in fact there is just under a week or so left.

And in case this is brand new news to you – the Terry talks can be encapsulated in the following manner:

“Imagine UBC’s most fascinating and engaging students coming together for a day, giving ‘the talk of their lives,’ sharing their ideas and discussing their visions for UBC and the world. Now imagine being there, with students, alumni, faculty, administration, and members of the general public watching this unfold and partaking in the various discussions, and think of all the possibilities that this idea-share holds.”

Anyway – think TED conference, but here at home, at UBC, with your UBC peers. Click here for more information.

Ejaculation as a potential treatment of nasal congestion in mature males (pdf) The Journal of Medical Hypotheses, 71(2), 2008.

In which we learn that a trip to the pharmacy is not always necessary.

TEXT:
Nasal congestion is defined by the blockage of the nasal passages usually due to membranes lining the nose becoming swollen from inflamed blood vessels [1]. This occurs when the nasal blood vessels expand in response to exercise, cold air, spicy food, even stress. Common causes of nasal congestion are common cold, influenza, Hay fever and chronic sinusitis [1], [2] and [3]. It impairs the natural human drive for nasal breathing and leads to lower self-esteem and to impaired quality of life [1]. There is a host of conservative treatments, including decongestant pharmacotherapy, antiallergy measures, nasal dilation devices and several surgical procedures [1] and [2], but it is still a symptom that is difficult to treat.

Decongestants are the main pharmacologic agents for the treatment of nasal congestion and act by stimulating α-adrenergic sympathetic nervous system. This leads to vasoconstriction of the nasal blood vessels and subsequent alleviation of the symptoms. However, oral or topical use of decongestants can have adverse effects of sympathetic stimulation such as hypertension. Furthermore, if used for more than two or three days, they can actually make congestion worse [4] and [5].

Herein, the author would like to provide a new treatment strategy for the treatment of nasal congestion in mature men. It is known that sexual arousal in men is followed by penile erection and subsequent ejaculation. Ejaculation has two phases: emission and ejaculation proper. The emission phase of the ejaculatory reflex is under control of the sympathetic nervous system, while the ejaculatory phase is under control of a spinal reflex at the level of the spinal nerves S2-4 via the pudendal nerve. A refractory period succeeds the ejaculation, in which the sympathetic nervous system counteracts the effects of the parasympathetic nervous system [6] and [7]. As it is seen, ejaculation can be used as a potential treatment of nasal congestion because its emission phase provides a sympathetic stimulation and subsequent vasoconstriction and nasal decongestion. Also, the refractory period serves as a sympathetic reservoir and maintains the decongestive state for a considerable while. This method does not wish to have the adverse effects of pharmaceutical decongestants because it is a physiologic stimulation of the sympathetic system in the body. According to the current idea, sexual intercourse or masturbation is proposed in the cases of nasal congestion in mature men. It can be done time-to-time to alleviate the congestion and the patient can adjust the number of intercourses or masturbations depending on the severity of the symptoms. This hypothesis suggests a unique treatment of nasal congestion because it uses a physiological mechanism of the human body for encountering the problem.

It’s hard to believe that 17 years ago the Human Gnome Project formally began. It was quite frankly a great day for all of us gnomes as we thought we had finally gained the attention and respect we deserved as a community. But 17 years later, we as a community are disappointed, angry, full of resentment, and still addicted to nicotine.

To our knowledge, of the roughly $3 billion worth of research funds given to the human gnome initiative, none of it ever actually went to fund “gnome” research. Instead, a sizable portion went to human research, and in an apparent slap in the face to my kindred, significant amounts also went towards research looking at bacterial, yeast, worm, fly, and mouse genetics. Suffice to say, that with the exception of humans, these are all organisms that do not smoke. To say that this has been hard on my community is an understatement of vast proportions. Apart from the soaring lung-cancer rates, I find I am continually aware of other lost opportunities the money could have been used towards.

For instance, for whatever reason, we as a race are forever doomed by our incessant need to wear pointy hats. I hate my stupid hat—loath it with a passion. And yet I have to wear it. We all do. Why this is so has been mystery for many an age. Maybe that’s why I go through 70 grams of tobacco each day. And whilst pointy hats are fine for garden work (one of our main sources of economic recovery), they are hardly advantageous in the current global market—especially when first impressions play a key role. Surely, there is an underlying neurological basis for this behavior—a basis that science could have elucidated.

And what about our facial hair? Believe me, it is not because we are particularly fond of our beards. It’s not even because tobacco pipes look cooler in this context. Our beards just happen to grow at amazingly fast rates! This is not such a huge issue with me and the other male gnomes, but my poor wife actually has to shave every 45 minutes or else deal with social harassment (and trust me, you definitely don’t want to look at her legs or armpits). This is also compounded by the fact that services, like laser hair removal or electrolysis, are just too expensive, especially on a gardener’s income. Ironically, the only gnomes who could possibly afford these high tech solutions are the few who have made it into Hollywood where maintaining the typecast “bearded” look is required anyway. Furthermore, even when a hairless gnome is needed on a movie set (e.g., Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise), we still get passed over because of our goddamn pointy hats! I bet $3 billion could have sorted this problem out a long time ago.

But if there was ever a strong case for gnome research, you only need to look at my poor Uncle Bill. This unlucky bastard of a gnome must have some bladder problem or something, since he is (no exaggeration) urinating constantly. Seriously, I don’t think he’s even had a chance to put his penis away since he started 14 years ago! And the truth of the matter is that this particular problem is relatively rampant in my circles. Most start off fishing, and then they feel the urge and then whammo! It’s like a disease. I don’t think it’s too difficult to appreciate the magnitude of this medical condition. Aside from the psychological pain endured, imagine how uncomfortable it must be to leave it “out” constantly in all manner of weather conditions. I don’t care if you are the gardener type— when it’s cold, it’s cold! Plus, it makes smoking a pipe tricky.

Anyway, I’m not here to preach endlessly about our problems. I just here to say I want a fair piece of the action. If the project is called the Human Gnome Project, then it only makes sense that at least some of the money should go towards gnome research—right?

O.K., I’ve said my piece. I really have to go outside now to smoke my pipe—stupid human nicotine patch, piece-of-crap waste of money …

Figure skating

Margarita party.

Canoe trip.

Invest in waterfront property.

Baptisms.

Preparing juice from concentrate.

Hot tubbing!

Mr. D. is one of those guys who is just nice. He’s far from gregarious, but everyone who meets him likes him. He’s quiet, reserved, and hates to complain. He’s had his share of medical problems over the last 80 years—emphysema, lymphoma, prostate cancer—all of which he’s treated as inconveniences.

When he came into my office with his wife, he looked miserable. His back was hurting so badly that he couldn’t get comfortable. It had been like that for two weeks, but he didn’t want to bother me about it.

I asked him the usual questions—any fevers, weakness, incontinence—all negative. By history and exam, he appeared to have a usual case of low back pain, but with his medical history, you can never be too careful. He had been on immune-modifying drugs for rheumatoid arthritis, so infection was a consideration, as was cancer. I did some plain X-rays in the office which were unremarkable, and he had an appointment with a spine surgeon in a few days, so I sent him home with some analgesics and instructions to call me if things got worse.

Things got worse.

A few days later he couldn’t get up. He wasn’t weak, but the pain was so excruciating that he was in tears. His wife called an ambulance, and I admitted him to the hospital.

An MRI revealed what an X-ray did not—masses in his spine, and lots of them. There were a few possibilities. He had a history of prostate cancer, but this had been under control. His lymphoma was “cured” years ago. He had been a big smoker, but his chest X-ray was fine.

I ordered a biopsy, which was done fairly quickly, and continued to treat his pain with escalating doses of narcotics.

The biopsy came back 4 days later—lymphoma. Not good. We sat and chatted, and he was in his usual mode of, “OK, then, let’s get on with it.”

Radiation oncology and medical oncology came by, and decided that chemotherapy was his best option. Chemotherapy has advanced tremendously over the last decade, not just in its ability to treat disease, but also in our ability to minimize the unpleasant symptoms of treatment. Unfortunately, Mr. D. didn’t “read that book”. He was miserable. First came the mouth pain. Then the pain with swallowing. Then the nausea. He was becoming delirious from pain and nausea medications. He stopped eating and drinking.

Despite the use of medications to raise his blood counts, they continued to drop, and he developed fevers. This condition, called “neutropenic fever”, is very serious. The body’s usual defenses have been destroyed by the chemotherapy, so any infection can turn deadly.

He continued to decline hourly. I spoke to the oncologist. I said, “Look, the whole family is here, they need to know what to expect. You do this every day. To me, he looks like he’s dying. Am I missing anything?”

“Well, it’s his first round of chemo, we really have to keep going. I know his counts aren’t really coming up, but, well, you know.”

I found this to be an unsatisfying response. His blood pressure was dropping. If things continued, he would likely be on a ventilator in the ICU by morning.

I’ve known Mr. D. since my first year in practice, so I know him about as well as a doctor can know a patient. I sat down with his family, explained that if we did have to put him in the ICU on a breathing machine, chances were he would never leave the hospital. They had already figured this out on their own. We decided to change him to hospice care.

The next morning Mr. D. woke up. He concurred with the plan and reiterated that he would never want to be on a ventilator. I sat down with him alone for a while. I asked, “So, what do you think?”

“I’ve pretty much resigned myself to what’s going to happen. I can’t even think about eating or drinking. My back is feeling a little better.”

We sat for a while after that.

“It’s a helluva thing, Doc. You come to the hospital for something; it never occurred to me I might never go home again.”

This workshop aims to teach environmental and social responsibility while exercising student empathy by having students write letters from the point of view of inanimate objects or animals. Coincidentally, good writing habits and understanding of narrative techniques are developed in the process (but don’t tell them.)

Who cares about the ecosystem? It’s boring. And it just sits there.

It’s quite undeniable at this point: we’ve messed up the Earth pretty good in our time here so far. There’s carbon in the air and chemicals in the ocean. Animals are going extinct and the planet is heating up like a big toaster oven. How did we ever get so terribly out of touch with the Earth and our terrible impact upon it? Well, it’s not that we don’t care…it’s just that…well…it doesn’t affect us.

If that’s true, what could we do to put us, and others, in touch with the Earth? Clearly running outside and rubbing dirt on our faces is not the answer. Then what are we to do?

I can’t hear you!

Maybe we’ve been so neglectful simply because our planet, the ecosystem, and everything in it hasn’t been able to speak for itself! It’s hard to know someone is unhappy if they don’t complain, right? Perhaps if the ecosystem could tell us what it needed or more importantly, how it really felt, then we’d feel bad for it, have more empathy for it, and take better care of it in the future.

Fiction writers have been using this trick for years: Anna Sewell wrote her book Black Beauty in the person of a horse and Barbra Gowdy’s White Bone was written from the point of view of an elephant thus creating all kinds of empathy and understanding for these, and all animals, in the minds of young and old. The old cliché: To know someone, you have to walk a mile in their shoes, is a cliché because it’s true. The reason fiction is fun is because you get to be someone else for a while, feel what they feel, think what they think.

Envelopes everywhere.

What if you were on your way to school and you found a tiny envelope on the sidewalk. You opened it and discovered it was from a squirrel who lives in a tree on your block. What would the letter say? Is the squirrel happy? Does it like people? Or does it simply tolerate them, counting the laborious seconds until people are extinct and the squirrels can finally take over?

Letter writing also has a long history in literature: writers such as Alice Munro, Dave Eggers, Nikolai Gogol and Jonathan Safran Foer have used the technique with hilarious and heart wrenching results.

So. What if everything on Earth, each part of the ecosystem, had the ability to write a letter? What would those letters look like? What would they say? Would they change how we and others thought? Could they? Let’s try.

The Fun Part – Writing Your Letter.

The first thing to do is to decide who your letter is from. Who (or what) are you going to be while you write. You could be an animal, like a cricket, a parakeet or a muskox, Or you could be a thing,something nice like the ocean, clouds or a forest, or even something nasty like plastic, crude oil or gasoline.

It can be anything you’d like. Just try to pick something you imagine has a lot to say (be it good or bad) but just hasn’t had the chance (or the writing skills) to say it yet.

The letter can be a one-pager or longer if you find yourself with lots to say.

Some things to think about while you are writing:

• Who is it addressed to? This is important. Do you talk the same to your friends as you do your parents or teachers? No? Good. In writing (especially letter writing) you have to know your audience. So your letter could be addressed to the Prime Minister or your best friend, it could be a letter that’s going to be read to everyone on the planet in every language all at once or one that only one person is supposed to read. It’s up to you.

• This person you are sending the letter to, have you met this person before? If so, where? How long has it been since you last spoke? What has happened to you since then?

• Why are you writing? To ask a question? To transmit information? To get something? A job? Some money? Or are you trying to scare them? Or warn them of danger? Or is it all of the above?

• What do you think is important for the person to know about you? What do you do with your time, eat, think? How do you really feel?

• How will you end your letter? What ideas do you want to leave the recipient with? How will you sign your name? What is your name anyway?

This exercise can take up to an hour. You are allowed to write multiple letters or work on perfecting one. When finished, students have the opportunity to read their letters, or parts of them, to the class who will almost definitely meet them with applause, admiration, laughter, cheers and tears (if appropriate).

In America, it is a relatively common bit of trivia that producing a penny costs more than one cent (its street value).[1] Someday, we will likely follow Canada’s syrupy example and make coins out of iron-based metal blends so that their value at the checkout counter always exceeds their value when they are melted down (illegally) for the amusement of middle schoolers or the profit of bored, pyromanic cartel heads.

But really, why make Mounties of ourselves with such a switch? Wouldn’t integer-increment paper (dollars) and plastic (debit and credit cards) be more efficient than including change in our monetary system? What would we gain by getting rid of change in circulation? More importantly, how might this “change” to our currency system provide a way to bolster the value of the weak and stumbling U.S. dollar at home and abroad?

Research question: Can we end the current global recession by getting rid of our loose change?

First we must determine how much change we’re talking about. If coins were deemed worthless for common use by law, and Americans were given a deadline by which they could redeem them at FDIC-insured banks for cash (under $1 being altogether worthless), this expense would be minimal. It would be somewhat counter-balanced by the extra bank teller hours and other necessary labor stimulating the economy, as well as the significant incentive for folks to dig change out of sofas and cars, reintroducing otherwise “lost” money into the economy. Assuming there are roughly 300 million Americans, with a labor force of approximately 153 million, if every American (roughly 300 million of us) found $5.50 in change behind the loveseat and redeemed the metal coins for one paper $5 bill, then 300 million people times $5 would mean $1,500 million reintroduced into the economy. If only Americans in the labor force (153 million[2] capitalist cogs) found and redeemed this change, then 153 million times $5 would still be $765 million reintroduced into the economy with no creditor or individual taking a loss. (If you had $5.50 behind your loveseat and could only redeem it for $5, you haven’t really lost $.50 because the whole $5.50 was lost to you to begin with.) Thus we can estimate a national gain of m for moolah (or circulating money) where $765 million ≤ m ≤ $1500 million.

Melting down

Heavy metals are a limited and diminishing resource.[3] When the rate of diminishing for such resources increases, or when for a conglomeration of related reasons, the market prices for such resources increases, and the resources are important enough to everyday life, global economic downturn tends to result. Like oil, heavy metals are integral to numerous micro- and macro-economies, with starring roles in the technologies that make farm equipment and government mainframes run. Also like oil, their prices have multiplied over the past several years.[4]

Pennies, for example, are 97.5 percent zinc and 2.5 percent copper.[5] Zinc is a conductive filler in plastics, and copper’s mouth-watering-and-electrocuting conductivity makes it indispensable in electronic industries from music recording to telecommunications. Worldwide shortages of silver already caused the U.S. to remove the silver that used to largely compose our other coinage, and replace it with cupronickel: an alloy of copper, nickel (a notorious skin irritant), and smaller traces of cheaper metals like iron and manganese.[6] Thus today’s dimes, quarters, and nickels (the other, silver-colored U.S. coins) aren’t good as gold. They’re heavy, easy to lose, cheapened, inconvenient mixes of metals we could be using for other things.

To quantify the benefits of this whole endeavor, we need to approximate the metal gained for more productive, industrial uses by melting down U.S. coinage, where z = zinc, n = nickel (the metal, not the coin), c = copper, and u = uh, some other kind of metal (manganese, iron, mutant ninja turtle shells that fell in the melting pot decades ago). If there are 200 billion pennies (weighing 2.5 grams each) in the U.S., several billion of which are not in current circulation, and 140 billion are turned in for demolition, they will melt down to approximately 341.25 billion grams zinc and 8.75 billion grams copper. (Up until 1982, pennies were 95% copper; many of these higher-copper content coins are still in circulation, so the copper obtained from pennies might be a much higher figure – but we’re being modest.) If there are 20 billion nickels (weighing 5 g each) in the U.S., they’ll give us about 75 billion g of copper and 25 billion g of nickel. If there are 10 billion (91.67% copper, 8.33% nickel) dimes (weighing 2.268 g each) in the U.S., they’ll render about 20.79 billion g of copper and 1.89 billion g of nickel. If there are 2 billion quarters (weighing 5.67 g each) in the U.S., they’ll melt down to about 10.40 billion g of copper and .94 billion g of nickel.

We need to subtract estimated costs of melting and separating or purifying the metals, and these are hastily approximated figures for starters. We should also estimate other potential costs of losing coins – such as throwing regressive sales taxes into the twentieth century (where they belong), and putting thousands of Tooth Fairies and U.S. Mint employees out of work. But I feel your eyes glazing over, and the Mint wants to know WHO wants to know how many circulating coins we could collect for melting and WHY, so I’ll just go ahead and estimate that we’re talking about a grand total of z = 341.25 billion grams zinc, n = 27.83 billion grams nickel, c = 114.94 billion grams copper, and 0≤u≤5 billion grams of miscellaneous crud.

Groovy. Now you can wear your teeny-tiny jeans without jingling all the way. And industry will get a nice boost in essential heavy metals supply at a time when food prices globally have doubled over a few months due to heightened oil prices. If industrial agricultural expenses fall, and food prices follow suit, then fewer people starve.

Bigger fish

How might lack of decimal points at the checkout affect international exchange rates? Could we all gain from this, effectively creating injections of capital as if from the abyss to counter-balance the current credit crisis? If so, this business of collecting change would address two of the three major factors in the current global recession: diminishing supplies of limited resources (although we can’t make oil from cupronickel, it’s something), and a paucity of liquid credit due in part to the third factor, the collapse of the U.S. and other real estate bubbles, all due in larger part to our vast overspending in other arenas, such as consumer goods and imperial expansion. (Think these last two things are unrelated? Look out your office window anywhere in the world. Wave at the McDonald’s.)

The exchange rate of the U.S. dollar (USD) is determined freely in the foreign exchange market, in which the average daily trade is about $3 trillion, roughly 89% of which ($2.67 trillion) is USD. In theory, we might utilize a valid mathematical loophole[7] whereby during a set transition period to metal-free currency, the exchange rate expressed as an infinite geometric sum (such as.9999999…) is rounded a certain decimal place (such as .999), and the leftover portion of the sum (in this case, .001) is funneled into an account ear-marked for national debt. Using the numbers in this random example, that gives us $2.67 trillion times .001, which we can think of as (2.67 times 10¹²) times 10^-4, or 2.67 times 10^(12-4). This funnels $267,000,000 (or 2.67 times 10⁸) annually into our national debt-zapping account, in broad daylight and as if from thin air. With a national debt of approximately $9 trillion, assuming zero interest, stable foreign exchange market trading, and yearly payments of $2.76 times 10⁸, we should be back in black by the year 35717.[8]

While intellectually honest, such a move would likely be interpreted in some corners as American embezzlement of international funds exchanged in good faith. But we need this money to help pay off the massive account deficit that underlies the lurching fall of the value of the U.S. dollar that in ten years will seriously threaten the place of our currency as the world reserve currency. The world needs stable reserve currency in order to ride out one-to-two decade-long housing market corrections and credit collapses from Peoria to Dublin. Thus a currency adjustment plan wherein we rid ourselves of metal coinage and temporarily alter international exchange rates to an infinitesimal degree during a set transition period helps domestic and foreign economies short- and long-term.

Of course, science is defined by the process of experimentation based on theory – theory alone is merely history forgetting its place. Although there is no way to predict with certainty the consequences of any such large-scale action intended to manipulate myriad economies, we may well ameliorate worldwide suffering by tempering our current global recession in this way – creating better global political and economic stability for our children in the process. Such a large-scale move would also be a powerful gesture coming from America at a time when it appears to much of the world that we care more about world domination than the welfare of our brothers.

Now go buy yourself an ice-cream already. That quarter will melt before you know it.[9]

FOOTNOTES

1. (link) “Coins cost more to make than face value,” by Barbara Hagenbaugh, in USA TODAY, May 10, 2006. Although less well-known, it also costs more than its 5 cents to produce a nickel, a fact also provided in this article. All electronic sources last accessed 05-01-08.

2. (link) The World Factbook, “United States.”

3. See, for example, this link. “Finding the Silver Lining,” Moneyweek Magazine, by Merryn Somerset Webb, Jun. 14, 2007.

4. (link) “A Penny for Your Thoughts,” New York Times, by Floyd Norris, Apr. 22, 2006.

5. (link) “The Composition of the Cent,” Fun Facts about the United States Mint, fact sheet compiled by the U.S. Department of Treasury.

6. (link) Wikipedia “Yeah, I Just Cited Wiki. So What Are You Gonna Do About It?” by Katelyn Sack, May 1, 2008.

7. There are numerous well-known proofs that infinite geometric sums equal their integer neighbors. For example:
x = 9.999999999…
10x = 99.999999999…
10x – x = 90
9x = 90
x = 10

8. This is similar to the embezzlement scheme in the cult movies “Superman III” and “Office Space,” but without the part where we escape the rat race and retire to the Bahamas with Kirsten Dunst.

9. Note bene: As before, my sincere thanks and praise to Mark Nandor of The Wellington School, who kindly provided math and science editing of this article. However, any remaining empirical errors or miscellaneous idiocies are mine alone.

1. p21RAS
2. C-3PO
3. CD45
4. p53
5. C-SRC
6. RIC-920
7. FOS-JUN
8. R2-D2
9. 8D8
10. C-MYC

1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 10 are oncogenes: 2, 6, 8, 9 are droids from Star Wars.

Scientists have been homing in on the genes that define our sense of humour. In a follow-up to the research which brought us British Humour Linked to Genetics, the latest report claims they have come up with some “funny results”. It does not specify whether said results are funny ha-ha or funny peculiar.

Humanity has over 20,500 genes, which the official gene naming board (HUGO) has been working hard to differentiate based not only on their strains of humour but also according to country of prevalence and associated effects.

Brit wit

The original humour-gene research, conducted by Dr Rod Martin, suggested that British people enjoyed dark humour more than natives of sunnier climes. (Grammarians who pointed out that enjoying natives of sunnier climes was a barbarous habit that should have died out with the Empire were told that cruelty was just another facet of British wit.)

Doc Martin’s research put the boot into traditional analysis of the subject with its suggestions that appreciation of ‘dark and cruel’ humour is associated with two genes in particular – CLS(27p10.39) and FRSR(2q21.55). These are found in greater density across the British Isles than elsewhere.
In an appendix to the original report it wasn’t also suggested that if these were the best gene names the people at HUGO could come up with perhaps they should apply to their sponsors, for the money to buy a copy of The Everything Baby Names Book from Amazon.

In-depth investigation of the FRS-R gene has suggested it may be responsible for the more intellectual side of humour, including word-play and sarcasm, as well as for male pattern baldness and the personality trait of pomposity.

The CLS gene, on the other hand, is linked to adrenaline surges, belligerence, excessive height and, in subjects where the gene is dominant, a gesticulative gait known to the layman as a ’silly walk’.

Meanwhile, across the pond…

Whilst the FRS-R and the CLS genes dominate in the UK, another pair of genes are battling it out Stateside.

Like its British counterpart, HMR(4p15.8) controls baldness; unlike the FRS-R gene, it is almost entirely responsible for the appetite for sugar and sleeping periods.

The HIX(26q2.94) gene is thought to be a mutated version of the original CLS gene, in which the adrenaline functions tend to promote observational and satirical comedy, rather than the absurd.
The HMR and HIX genes seem to have a geneaphobic response to each other and whilst similarities do occur, they are more divergent than the British versions; but this may be due only to the fact they haven’t been formally introduced.

XX less than XY?

One surprising aspect of the research is that all four genes under discussion are part of the male Y chromosome. No corresponding pairs have as yet been identified on the X chromosome. Whether it would be appropriate to infer from this that women have no sense of humour at all, or simply that the mainly male research teams are concentrating their efforts in the wrong place as usual, is open to debate.

Scientists are still looking for the matching pairs in French and German populations. Both races seem to only have comedy genii that have mutated from other countries. Some theorised that the French mutations passed across the Channel disguised as British Airmen [1], but that all German mutations died out as a result of the catastrophic loss of the German sense of humour during the Python Incident [2].

Work has yet to begin on finding the original comedy gene, the fabled NOK/NOK twinned pair. [3]

FOOTNOTES

[1] Assumed to have been hidden in the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klump.

[2] Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! … Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

[3] “For when we discover NOK/NOK, we also find who’s there.” – Prof. C. Lown of Billy Smart University

1. Mass Spectrometry, now with an iDock!

2. X-ray crystallography, now with a Sears automatic ice-maker!

3. SDS-Polyacrylamide gel electrophoresis, now with Tide!

4. Differential Scanning Calorimetry, now with a Starbucks espresso maker!

5. UV/Vis Spectrophotometry, now with Coppertone sunblock!

6. Automated DNA Sequencing, now with 200 free anytime minutes a month from Verizon!

7. Ultracentrifugation, now with a Cuisinart fruit smoothie accessory!

8. PCR, now with Velveeta cheese!

9. NMR, now with MRI and CGI from IBM!

10. Radioactivity, now with fluorescence!