Dr. William Rees.
Professor, School of Community and Regional Planning.
October 24th, 2008
“It’s Your Experiment!” Science Teacher Conference.
Michael Smith Laboratories, UBC

Description: A 30 minute lecture looking at whether science is enough. And if not, what elements of human behaviour are dictating or thwarting our efforts towards a sustainable future.

Prof Rees’ teaching and research focus on the public policy and planning implications of global environmental trends and the necessary ecological conditions for sustainable socioeconomic development. Much of this work is in the realm of human ecology and ecological economics where Prof Rees is best known as the originator of ‘ecological footprint analysis.’

“Crows seem to be able to use causal reasoning to solve a problem, a feat previously undocumented in any other non-human animal, including chimps.” — NewScientist.com News Service, September 17, 2008

I don’t understand what all the fuss is about crows. Sure, they can “fly” and stuff, but come on, they’re birds. So what if some scientists recently discovered that crows used casual reasoning to figure out how to get food from an especially tricky tube? I could do that easily. I don’t find tubes tricky at all. Rain sticks are still something of a puzzle for me, but those aren’t really tubes in the same broad, tubular sense that other tubes are. Like straws. I own straws. At any rate, you don’t see scientists writing in their fancy journals about me, and I’m far more worthy of being written about. I can do this neat trick with my tongue and I played little league baseball with Matt Damon.

I don’t get scientists sometimes.

I read also that crows can figure out how to get food from a wooden compartment. The scientists setup this experiment using two compartments with food in them, but in one the food was placed in a trap hole. The crows consistently chose the compartment without the trap. Big whoop. Like I wouldn’t figure that out after my first couple of tries. I can see traps from a mile away. One time, while I was looking for my keys after getting drunk at the prom and throwing them in the woods next to the Howard Johnson’s parking lot after my date Vicki told me she wanted us to just be friends, I saw a bear trap. At least it looked like a bear trap. It was kind of dark. And like I said: I was hammered. Regardless, did I walk right into it? No, I did not, thank you very much. Plus I found my keys three hours later.

I’d like to see a crow try that.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for science. I took science in high school. I just think the scientific world gets a little too giddy every time a crow does something smart looking. I wouldn’t care if a crow knew how to program my TiVo—it would still be a crow. How does knowing that a crow can program a TiVo help me, other than having it record only first run episodes of Dirty Jobs? Sure that would be sort of beneficial, but after my Dirty Jobs marathon party is over, then what? What’s to do with the TiVo crow then, I ask? Will I have to break out some tubes and feed the thing? Who has the time for that? Makes no sense.

And I know what some of you are thinking: “You’re just angry because you’ve dedicated the last twenty years of your life training crows to help you get back at Vicki for crushing your heart.” False. Vicki has nothing to do with this. Matt Damon broke up with her eventually anyway. And even if I had achieved my dream of using a small army of crows to systematically destroy Vicki’s social life I would still be completely unimpressed by them.

Again: they’re just birds.

I think people wouldn’t give scientists such a hard time if they focused on things that really mattered. So I say to them: Less crow studying and more experimenting on important things, like rain sticks and what exactly it was I did to Vicki to make her cause me so much pain.

Link to news article about the crow study here.

Originally under: DARTHOLOMEW VADER AND DROGO PROUDFOOT*, Department of philosophical biology, University of Tatooine at Mos Eiseley. * Direct correspondence to University of the South Farthing, Crickhollow, Buckland Middle Earth.

(Also available as a pdf)

Abstract: We used computer flow models and high definition vertical and horizontal GPS to measure the stability of engineered Ent debris jams in deciduous forest streams. We tested the effect of in-situ buoyant, drag and Star Wars forces on the stability of Ent-derived jams. These results were compared to equivalent forces applied to debris jams made from simple large woody debris and large graduate students. GPS was used to measure the movement of engineered jams over time. Results show strongly that despite strong initial stability, Ent jams are subject to eventual failure in 100 percent of treatments within a short time period. Because of the unpredictable nature of Ent jams, we do not recommend using them for in-stream fish habitat or geomorphic manipulation.

Large woody debris plays and important role in stream habitat for fish, macroinvertebrates and raft material for small runaway boys (Twain 1884). Logjams create habitat complexity through local scour and also can catalyze the geomorphic channel processes of erosion and deposition important in normal fluvial geomorphic equilibrium (Bilby and Ward 1991, a bunch of others). For decades, resource managers and engineers have struggled with methods of installing engineered logjams in remote areas. Often, large logs can only be taken on site or hauled using helicopters or heavy equipment such as excavators or AT-AT walkers which are costly and can cause considerable damage by tearing up the soil and fragging people with lasers.

Past investigations have monitored the movement of wood by animals such as woodchucks (Fitzpatrick 1980). However, little data exists monitoring the use of self-mobilized wood as the base material for logjams. Tolkien (1954) describes the ability of Ents, or “tree shepards” to walk, lift objects and converse. We therefore speculated that Ents could simply walk to a construction site and lay down in the appropriate, pre-determined location.

Monitoring the forces acting on treatment and control jams was complicated hydraulic stuff, so you’ll just have to trust us there. Various researchers have investigated the buoyant and drag forces acting on large woody debris (Shields et al. 2001). However, research examining the effect of Star Wars forces on in-stream debris is limited. Skywalker and Kenobi (long time ago) showed variable results when trying to move objects of differing size and weight, while Yoda (long time ago) found size to be irrelevant. No research has been completed measuring “the Force” on wood. Robinson (2003) was the only researcher to examine the force of his wood, while Hoyman (1999) examined the force of wood on beaver.

Differential Global Positioning Systems (GPS) have become more accurate in recent years. The Bush administration has employed them in tracking all American citizens by ingestion of transmitters in light beer products and subsequent activation through daytime television and late-night infomercials (Cheney 2003). In order to better quantify the movement of engineered jams in real spatial and temporal thingys, we measured the movement of individual logs using high-definition GPS.

Methods

The study sites were all located on tributaries to the River Isen. Sites were selected based on a bunch of parameters. All Ent jams were constructed using ten individual channel-spanning Ents who were asked nicely if they would please come to the site and lay down in the stream. Site selection was completed in May of 1969 but Ents did not arrive at the site until June of 1999, following several Entmoots. Ents were then directed into position by professional engineers. Several Ents decided to leave because we were too “hasty” and the experiment sounded too much like “orc mischief”. Initial attempts to anchor Ent debris with steel cable proved fatal to experimenters and were abandoned. Our sympathies go out to those graduate student’s families. Safety tip: Ents don’t like drills.

In this study, two control groups were also included. To account for the confounding dual human and woody nature of Ents, jams were engineered using both large woody debris (LWD), consisting of logs and rootwads, and large graduate student debris (LGSD), consisting of large graduate students and post-doctoral fellows (that means people who got money, not fellows in the chum or buddy sense of the word).

Large woody debris jams were constructed of ten pieces, each 16 inches in diameter and 20 feet in length. Since no channel spanning graduate students were found, we gathered the tallest and fattest graduate student wankers possible by offering free tickets to a pre-screening of the new Star Trek movie, “Worf’s Revenge”. Ok, geek, settle down, there really is no such movie, we just made that up. I mean really, Worf is a big pussy anyway. What kind of Klingon security officer passes out every time someone taps him on the chin? That chick was tougher than he was….

Prior to binding their hands and feet, graduate students were drugged by offering them high quality hydroponic sensamillion from the University of Minnesota Horticulture Department. Zigzags were unavailable, so joints were rolled in Rite-in-the-Rain paper. Tip: It may be write in the rain, but it sure as hell ain’t Burn in the Rain paper. We learned that lesson the hard way when measuring some “drag” forces of our own.

All jams were arranged to maximize stability according to Brunfelt (2000) and Plant (1983). Log stability was quantified by differential GPS readings using kittywampusness as an indirect measure of interdependent logjam stability. The Kittywampus factor (Kw) has been shown to be directly proportional to the stability of complex structures (Smith et al 1998). Calculation of buoyant and drag forces on jams was done using discharge values for 12 storm events obtained through detailed HEC-RAS modeling of study site locations and calibrated using real time gauge data and back calculation of roughness.

Star Wars forces were applied by certified Jedi knights. We attempted to avoid “good side” of the Force bias by using evil Sith Lords in blind comparisons. These experiments failed as both sides could “feel” each other’s presence and refused to continue without a light saber duel. Jedis can be a bunch of frickin’ primadonnas sometimes. Star Wars Force was applied at low flow to avoid confounding results from buoyant and/or drag forces.

Results

Ent-derived engineered jams showed good initial stability under drag, buoyant and Star Wars forces. However, most Ents quickly lost interest and left the site. Other Ents lost their grip by falling asleep or attempting to masturbate (Hey, they can’t find the Entwives, give them a break!). In all cases, structural failure was inevitable (Figures 1 and 2).

Large woody debris jams showed the longest stability under buoyant and drag forces, but fell apart quickly under Star Wars Force (Figure 1 and 2). Graduate students either drowned or got cold and wined so much that we either untied them and let them go or they passed out and floated away. Again, our sympathies go out to those graduate student’s families.

We really don’t think anyone reads the results sections of these articles because they are tiresome, so in an effort to spice things up a bit, we’ve included our picks for this years Academy Awards (Table 2).

If you really do read the results section then hey, congratulations, you’re now a successful academician. We both know you’re doing it to see the co-eds run around campus in the spring. And hey don’t be upset, I’m sure Science Fiction Digest will print more t-shirts in Small and XXL, just be patient.

Discussion

Research has shown that trees contribute large woody debris to streams. Whether or not trees do so intentionally has not been examined. Others have speculated on the ability of trees to solve socio-political disputes (Peart 1977). Our research definitively shows that Ents and graduate students are poor choices for adding roughness elements to stream channels. We recommend using either real logs or Easton’s new graphite composite Cyclone Log, the official log of the NHL. Past research has shown that substitutes for actual wood are typically unstable. Cheese log and peanut log (Salted nut roll) jams were shown by Stegowski et al. (1972) to disintegrate quickly. Koonce (1990) found that Lincoln logs, although made of real wood, are expensive, and significant blockage of flow required logjams composed of over 1.2 million pieces. This topic was not addressed in Havel (2001).

Secondly, we urge river restoration managers to consider the impact of Star Wars Force, commonly known as “The Force” when planning engineered logjam or woody debris projects. The Force is typically strong in skinny, bespectacled graduate students and can be used for ill gain if the Dark Side is employed. In most cases, graduate student change to the Dark Side is preceded by several offers from evil emperors to either join them or die.

For those of you who peer reviewed this article for Nature and turned it down, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Yeah, you know who you are.

Citations

Bilby, R.E. and J.W. Ward. 1991. Characteristics and function of large woody debris in streams draining old growth, clearcut and second growth forests in southwestern Washington. Can. J. Fish Aq. Sci. 48: 2499-2508.

Brunfelt, M. 2000. How to lay big logs. Trans. Pipe and Log Laying Assoc. 12(1) 23-40.

Cheney, D. 2003. Note to self: The Right way to take over the world. Climate Change Illustrated 22: 129-134.

Fitzpatrick, F. 1980. How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Irish Journal of Animal Chucking. 1(3): 23-59.

Havel, J.H. 2001. Influence of teal colored snowpants on capture efficiency of goose netting devices. Children’s Digest J. of Wildlife Mgmt. 17(2): 29-45.

Hoyman, T. 1999. The impact of large wood on big, brown beaver. Journal of Animal Behavior and Sexual Innuendo. 12: 47-50.

Koonce, G. 1990. Catastrophic failure of engineered Lincoln logjams in western Oregon streams. J. Republican Geom. in Denial. 21(2) 34-50.

Peart, N. 1977. The Trees; from Rush: Hemispheres. Anthem, ANC 1-1014.

Plant, R. 1983. Big Log from Principle of Moments. Swan Song Records.

Robinson, P. 2003. The force of my wood. Penthouse Letters and Silviculture. 104(3): 200-209.

Shields, F. D., Jr., Morin, N. and Kuhnle, R. A. 2001. Effects of large woody debris structures on stream hydraulics. In D. F. Hayes(ed.), Proceedings of the 2001 Wetlands Engineering and River Restoration Conference, American Society of Civil Engineers, Reston, VA.

Skywalker, L. and O.W. Kenobi. Long time ago. Movement of inanimate objects using “The Force”. Jedi Quarterly 12(3): 150-166.

Smith, J., McAlister, M.J. and Southall, N. 1998. A comparison of kittywampus, higgledy piggledy, topsy turvey and ass-backwards coefficients. J. Silly Mathematics 22(4): 112-134.

Stegowski, R. 1972. Cheese logs and peanut logs as substitutes for large woody debris in streams. J. Am. Fish. Dudes 8(2): 11-14.

Tolkien, J.R.R. 1954. Lord of the Rings. George Allen and Unwin LTD, London.

Twain, M. 1884. Huckleberry Finn. Chatto and Windus LTD, London.

Yoda. Long time ago. Slimy, my home this is, now watch me lift it. 34th Proceedings of the Jedi Masters, Dagobah, Galaxy far, far away.

Disclaimer: Ents are the brainchild of J.R.R. Tolkien and Star Wars references are the property of Lucasfilm or some gigantic corporation. Please don’t sue me, I’m a biologist and thus have no money.

Originally published in the British journal Null Hypothesis, and reprinted with permission.

The Eye followed the rusty-skin fall leaves collapse on their damp-green bed. Razors cut plum clouds, opening a show of sepia sky. To Clove smoke ashes eyes danced, lips dry, exhales of industrial amounts of smoke.

Outside, on the faded deck behind his family’s house, is where the Eye spent most of his time, smoking and reading. The mind was coated with increasing Agoraphobia. The mind? No, he was not a Dualist. His vision of Dualism is that it is tantamount to an ignorance of walking. Hitting a baseball with an invisible bat is impossible, as it goes against the laws of physics, which the Eye was very familiar with from his readings. He concluded in a Philosophy 101 manner at a young age that immaterial couldn’t causally interact with the physical, which is what the Eye is.

Vapid days at home, in a jail cell of a room, both in size and familiarity, had insidiously skated into the Eye’s view. A simple interaction to buy fast food was out of the question. When the Eye walked, not drove, to get smokes, alcoholic-like shakes multiplied by the hundreds paralyzed him—he had no control over the consternation and quaver his body drugged him with at any given time.

The worst scene was the classroom. For the Eye it was a divan of portentous figures and military eyes. Befriending anyone was out of the question. On occasion, the Eye was lucky enough to have competent and genius teachers who were congenial. However, University was both an asylum and frightening. It was where, for the large part, the ‘normal’ person went with the occasional pretentious photography student or a mother in her forties who just discovered literature—or discovered enough cash to attend classes.

The parking price at his University alone is a quarter of the average man’s paycheck. The Eye couldn’t grasp the parking logic, and wrote letters to the transit company as to why students had to pay for parking when they, the transit company, did not provide security and were a corporation of their own, separate from the University. He received no replies and in his last semester skipped the payment and had a nice piece of paper slipped under his windshield wiper after one class, a paper that accidentally was cast into a puddle. A notice was sent to him by mail and was, too, accidentally lost in the trash. Disregard: the ultimate sacrifice and solace.

Widely said, yet deeply unknown, is that University—especially in a small Canadian town—is not a place for sex. The mass of the Eye’s University were engaged or attached to the same vapid-men they knew from high school.

The Eye had not had sex. Once, for six months at the age of fifteen, he dated a beautiful post-punk lover who denounced coffeehouses, scene kids, and treacherously winy music. She shared a love for his favorite bands and films. However, what she denounced, she folded perfectly into—the downtown coffeehouse scene, changed her t-shirts to shirts of bands she once hated, dyed her brown hair different dark shades and colors, wore fifties-style glasses she did not need and, worse, she complained about subtitles when he put an Ingmar Bergman film on. It ended with the slow metamorphosis of Kelly, who now goes by ‘Kel’.

The death of the relationship was a near death in many ways to a young Eye. While his depression was diagnosed early, he was now a sleeping spider in a web of pother. His effectuation never came and his home was his bed. No awakenings for lunch or dinner, just for tea that he awoke either from sleep or a frozen state, a peculiar feeling, like when an average person is piqued by pestilence, and instead of acting to save themselves they freeze and listen in chilly anticipation. There was no movie-story epiphany, and if there was, it was that the Eye found life meaningless, replacing his bed sheets with existential literature and philosophy books.

When the Eye left University, his father gave him one last chance, and the Eye, as his father would say, missed the goal—it was time to get a job. Yet, the Eye left University for a reason, and to keep his father jovial he dropped off resumes to workplaces he knew he was not qualified for. He was eight-credits from his B.A. in English with a minor in Sociology.

The long fall days, persistent leaves falling. Klonopin, Restoril, Halcyon, Prozac days spent in the backroom. He was taking the cure but there he lay on stained sheets and pillows with the wrong key.

Unknowingly twitching under his sheets in deep rapid-eye-movement he once dreamt of one of his Professors after exploring the inside of a small Rubik’s-cube like room. The Eye questioned something he would remember when he woke.

‘If we are all the same, all without freedom, why breathe? Humans die, an ant explodes silently every second, and the rich cheer. If we are all the same then why wait for the moon to enter the sky when the second you die another person is born to live your exact life? Destruction is free it is peace that is costly.’

Somehow this noxious thought was not what imbued his nerves. It was that of the Professor. She appeared in the dream haphazardly, creating a bright entrance as she walked into the surreal-cube room, allowing an exit.

This Professor, with her brains, erratic, spontaneous, unpretentious, and bewildering knowledge intrigued the Eye but he saw more in her reserved beauty. Of Spanish and Italian descent, her incandesce never got in the way of her brilliance, but when she was quiet she was most gorgeous, laughing a glorious laugh, nodding her head to classical compositions, though the superlative was her walking into the classroom late with a library of books and a tea, looking unorganized, yet the image scarred the Eye with a remembrance of something beauty had yet to surpass in his maudlin existence.

It was this Professor that the Eye bumped into at his favorite spot, a local bookstore and coffeehouse, free of Macintosh-attached teens and women with meaningless, often asinine, tattoos painted on every area of their body excluding the face—the Eye had no problems with tattoos, or those who wore them proudly, as long as they meant something to the person; however, his anxiety was a wall from exploring queries.

It was a brave move for him to walk down the street to the bookstore. The Eye developed different mental armor for each place he regularly attended—the bookstore, the record store, and Salvation Army for clothes—that consisted of no eye-contact, which left him often looking downward, giving off an unintentional calamitous and tortured look.

‘Hey! What book are you looking for?’ Professor Fields shouted with dizzying excitement.

‘I-I am just browsing. Looking for a Russian novel I have not read.’

‘Have you read A Hero of Our Time?’

‘Absolutely. Outstanding novel,’ the Eye said with trembling confidence.

‘How about this: I pick a book for you and you pick one for me?’

‘I will try my best.’

Browsing what would be his personal library if he had the money, with sliding stairs and walls of books, he questioned her knowledge in post-modern fiction—she was more fascinated with European writers. He picked one of his favorites, Don Delillo’s Underworld. His standing as an Amazon-tribe member who has no touch with the outside was eroded when he glanced at the cover of the novel, with thoughts of Professor Fields clouding his head. This meeting to the Eye was paradisiacal and made him question fate. He had yet to feel the warmth of perfection, a natural drug with opiate-like warmth, which billowed through his veins and coated his brain with a triumphant feeling.

The Eye insisted she show hers first so he could locate what little courage was left in his shell. Professor Fields chose two novels. The first was The Metamorphosis, a novel he had read several times, the first time being when he was thirteen—yet he knew she was aware that he had read it. The second novel was larger than Underworld. Professor Fields handed him Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past, a novel he did not own but was meaning to. Miss Fields’ face looked better than ever with her warm smile and a slight nod of gratification. Her nose was skinny and her cheekbones high. She weighed a hundred and ten pounds and stood only five-feet-tall. Her fingers were slightly wrinkled for someone in their mid-thirties but they were short and dainty.

‘What are you hiding behind your back? Is it the novel you chose for me?’ Professor Fields enquired with ardent inquisitiveness.

‘You’ve probably read it.’

‘Just let me see,’ Professor Fields asked and for the Eye it was hard to refuse, especially with her glossy-lips ascending to reveal what fashion magazines sell. He knew she wasn’t about the surface. Her hair was short, parted bangs to the side with natural curls and teased hair that refused to move. She was dressed in a chic vanilla black-striped sweater, an elegant beige skirt with bizarre creases running long, and red high-heels. Her legs were lovely, effulgent when light hit her pale legs—pallor for a Spanish and Italian immigrant left him stupefied. She did not shave her armpits—something he should have known after watching The House With the Windows that Laughed a few days earlier.

‘Delillo?’

‘Not for you? Have you read it?’ he said, feeling the shakes come on. He wished to go back home, insentient in his bed.

‘No, no, no. I am very interested in reading it, it’s just that, when you asked me in class if there would be a post-modern literature class, I didn’t have an answer as I do not read much post-modern fiction.’

‘Well, to the checkout?’

Surprisingly, Miss Fields offered the Eye a drink. The woman at the coffee counter was the popular girl in high school, now working at a coffeehouse, and the pain of all that was lost had manifested. When the Eye and Miss Fields ordered the same drink—peppermint tea—their eyes met, briefly, as he looked away, feared and hoped she was still staring. It felt like their heads had impinged. The clerk rang in the books and teas separately and Miss Fields found a table next to a window. The window’s frost formed a circular-border around the window allowing rusty light to fall onto the table. Miss Fields flipped through Underworld and gingerly sipped her tea.

‘Quite the orate and sardonic woman at the counter,’ she said, took a swig from her tea, gesticulated to him that it was hot.

‘I had school with her. Thank you for Proust, I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect novel for winter,’ he said, lifted the magnum opus up and skimmed through it. ‘Looks as though it will take at least three readings.’

‘I know you can finish it several more times than that during break,’ Miss Fields expressed, smiled and violently cracked her neck to the right, her hair remained undisturbed.

‘What else is there to do? Still hoping some book will snap me out of these twenty-five-years,’ he said, regrettably.

‘That is why there is the Bible,’ Miss Fields cackled in a soft laughter, knowing he was not religious.

‘I have read it several times. It has taught me a lot. For instance, genocide, Moses’ contradiction to not kill despite massacring myriads of people, and to sacrifice myself over a story.’

‘You just love to stab the Bible, I see nothing has changed.’

‘Well, it is a source of great discomfort for me, to be honest. What am I to take from it? I should kill myself over sins created in a story? Take for instance the death of John Lennon. The Bible preaches, despite pious arguments to the contrary, murder. The Bible is the Bible, and to Chapman so was The Catcher in the Rye, and now we are without thousands of lives from the Crusades and the life of John Lennon,’ the Eye took a large drink from his tea.

‘I could argue with that but you know I agree. But if we cannot find solace and love in novels, if we cannot find it in human form, is that necessarily a bad thing?’

‘That is what I have been questioning since I first read Hemingway when I was twelve. I found love, but lost it, and now every night when I put down a book I dream of what love is like, but I know I am incapable of approaching women and—‘

‘You approached me; I am a woman.’

‘You are my ex-professor. I had you for at least four courses. I find it easier to talk to professors or older males or females. How many times did I have to leave your class due to anxiety?’

‘A lot, but you still received a perfect attendance rating,’ she said, raised her thin eyebrows, her eyes wide enough to see the snow that surrounds her auburn eyes.

‘Why is that, exactly, considering I missed half the classes?’

‘Because I knew you were adroit and were in tune while the majority of others made class languid.’

‘Are you saying my mere presence in class sparked something in your teaching?’ the Eye could not believe he just said that, his nerves became firecrackers, he feared that his neck shaking would start then lead to complete body paralysis.

‘Yes. When you have been teaching for so long you have to look for something to stay interested. You become bored with your students and as a result your teaching suffers. It is when people like you enter the class, reserved, nervous, perhaps slightly neurotic, taciturn the entire class until it is time to discuss the course material and you open up, whatever anxieties you held were replaced, and rather than a class discourse it was a discussion between two people who love literature. So yes, you made my job something to look forward to, a feeling I wish I had now.’

‘Maybe I should enroll again,’ he chuckled.

‘So now what?’ Miss Fields questioned, her libidinous eyes met with the Eye for a brief second.

The sunlight ascended from the table. The fulvous clouds cemented the sky. Capricious wind threw leaves from trees across the small-town street into the window, the hardened-frangible leaves cracking, breaking, until there was only miniscule pieces of leaves left.

The Eye excused himself and traveled to the claustrophobic washroom. Thirty minutes passed and the bilious clerk assiduously knocked on the door. There was no response. She offered Miss Fields a refill, but Miss Fields refused and asked for the staff key. The woman came back with the key and opened the door and screamed, Miss Fields put her hands over her mouth, and the trembling clerk asked, ‘So, now what?’

In recent decades, the search for alternative energies has become increasingly important to the average citizen. Whether it’s due to concerns for the environment or worries about shortages in fuel or rising prices, most people agree that other options need to be found. Considering the amazing amount of energy that is showered down upon us everyday from the sun, it’s no wonder that a lot of research and development is focused on improving our capabilities of capturing this source for electricity generation. As a major bonus solar power is also a renewable energy source that produces no polluting emissions or safety concerns [1].

Although there’s been a lot of fuss about it recently, solar power is not a new fascination. History is filled with stories of mankind searching for ways to harness the sun’s energy. About 700 BC, curved “burning” mirrors were used by Chinese to start fires [2]. By the 16th century, Leonardo Da Vinci had proposed that a very large curved mirror could be used boil water [3,4]. In the 1860s, August Mouchet constructed the first solar powered engine [3,5]. Interestingly, way back in 1913, a solar powered water pumping station was made by Frank Shuman in Egypt (see photo below) [2,3]. It was capable of pumping 6000 gallons of water a minute [3]. Today, there are many uses for solar energy, however a large focus is upon producing electricity.

At present there are two main methods used to capture solar energy and convert it to electricity. One way is by using photovoltaic power and the other is with solar thermal power [2]. When most people think of solar power, they are usually thinking of photovoltaic power, also known as PV for short. PV panels are able to directly convert sunlight into energy [6]. These are the sort of solar panels that you often see on peoples homes and can buy at hardware stores like Home Depot. Unlike photovoltaic power cells, solar thermal power (also known as concentrated solar power) does not directly produce electric power [1,2]. Instead, it produces heat [1]. However, this heat can be captured and changed into electricity [1,2]. In most solar thermal power plants, sunlight is concentrated to heat a fluid, such as oil or liquid salt, which is then used to heat water to create steam [1,2]. The steam is then used to turn a turbine which generates electricity [2].

Photovoltaic power has many advantages, such as the ability to operate on a very small scale or unattended [2], which has likely led to its vast popularity. However, when it comes to large scale productions of electricity, PV is much more expensive than solar thermal power [2]. Thus, this article will review the ways in which solar thermal energy is used for power generation.

Types of Solar Thermal Power Stations

A wide variety of solar thermal power stations are currently being explored. They most notably vary in the way that they concentrate the sunlight, and in what material they use to retain the heat produced.

Parabolic Trough Design

Parabolic trough power plants use a long curved trough which is designed to focus sunlight onto a pipe that runs down the length of the trough in the centre (see photos below) [2,7]. Typically, the troughs are made of thick glass silver mirrors, but can also be made from thin glass, plastic films, polished metals [7]. The pipe, called a receiver, is surrounded by a glass envelope which has a special coating to help maximize energy collection and minimize heat loss [7]. A substance passes through the receiver and is heated by the reflected sunlight that is concentrated on it [7]. This substance is usually a synthetic oil or brine [8]. An example is Abengoa Solar’s parabolic troughs which can heat oil in the receiver to 400°C [7]. The fluid flows to a power block where its heat is used to create high pressure steam [2,7]. This steam drives a conventional steam turbine to produce electricity [2,7].

In order the follow the sun as it crosses the sky, the trough moves about a single axis that runs its length [7]. An electronic control system ensures that the reflectors are facing in the optimum direction for maximum solar reflection [7].

Parabolic trough power plants are the most mature design of concentrated thermal power plants used for commercial use [2,7]. Solar Energy Generating Systems is a series of nine such power facilities that were installed in the 1980s in the Mojave Desert, USA [2,7]. These have a combined total capacity of about 350 MW (MW = megawatts = one million watts) [2]. In comparison, the world’s largest operational photovoltaic power plant only has a capacity of 20 MW [9]. Currently, only one other parabolic trough power plant is operational which is in Nevada [10,11]. However, Spain is constructing several such facilities at present [11]. One of these should be complete by mid-2008 [11]. Many other plants have been announced for a variety of locations around the world including the USA, Egypt, and Algeria [11].

Fresnel Reflector Design

The fresnel reflector power plants have a very similar design to the parabolic trough. Like the parabolic design, a series of long mirrors focus light onto a pipe (the receiver) that runs their length [2]. The main differences are that the mirrors are flat or only slightly curved, and that many rows of mirrors focus onto one receiver [2].

Electricity is produced in the same fashion as the parabolic troughs. The liquid in the receiver is heated and this heat used to produce steam for a steam turbine electricity generator [2]. Ausra, a leading company in this technology, uses water as the fluid in its receivers [2]. Here is a depiction of how Ausra’s fresnel reflector power plant works [2]:

One advantage to this design is that a lot of cost is saved by using simple flat mirrors [2]. The mirrors are also kept close to the ground which reduces wind loads and steel usage [2]. Like the parabolic design, it is kept simple by only needing to rotate around one axis to track the sun [2].

There are currently no commercial solar fresnel reflector power plants [11]. However, Ausra has made a deal with California for a power plant using such technology [12]. It is planned to start operating in 2010 and will have a final capacity of 177 MW [12]. Ausra also has a deal with Florida to provide a similar plant with a 300 MW capacity [12].

In the power tower design, a collection of flat mirrors called heliostats reflect sunlight onto a central tower (see image below) [1,13]. Currently, most heliostats are glass mirrors, although other reflective surfaces can be used [13]. Just like with the parabolic trough design, sunlight is concentrated onto a receiver [1,13]. The difference is that this receiver is on a tower [13]. In most towers, the receiver transfers heat to a fluid, such as molten salt or water [1,13]. By heating fluid, it is possible to move the heat to another section of the concentrated solar plant where it can be used to heat water and thus generate steam [1,13]. The steam moves a turbine to generate electricity [1,13].

A power tower plant that is planned for Cloncurry, Australia has one noted difference in how it will generate steam to the other tower designs [14]. Instead of transferring heat to a fluid, they are planning for the receiver to heat graphite blocks in the tower [14]. Water will then be passed through the graphite blocks to produce steam [14].

There are several advantages to the power tower design. One advantage is that by concentrating all of the sunlight to one location they are able to get very high temperatures (the sunlight is concentrated up to 600 times) [13]. Interestingly, higher temperatures are converted to electricity more efficiently than lower temperatures, so this mean less energy loss [13]. The other advantage compared to the parabolic trough and fresnel reflector designs is that it requires less space [13].

However, one disadvantage to power towers is the fact that each of the heliostats needs to be able to move around two axes in order to reflect sunlight properly onto the receiver. This is unlike the parabolic trough and fresnel reflector designs which can have many mirrors rotate together along one axis. As a result, the power tower requires more foundations and positioning motors [2].

Dish Design

The solar dish design is relatively new and quite different from the other concentrated solar power designs due to the fact that it usually doesn’t use steam and a turbine to produce electricity. Instead, a reflective disc that is similar to the shape of a satellite dish, focuses sunlight onto something called a Stirling engine [17]. The engine is positioned in front of the reflective dish by an arm attached to the dish (see images below). This is a very unique non-combustible engine that functions by using temperature differences [17]. The Stirling engine has a fixed amount of gas sealed within [18]. Heating one end of the Stirling engine with concentrated sunlight creates a large temperature difference from the opposite end of the engine [17,18]. Therefore, the hot temperature at one end causes the gas to expand and move towards the cooler end [18]. As a result, the gases flow within the engine chamber, which in turn makes the engine run [18]. The Stirling engines can then be used to create electricity [18].

At present, there are no large scale solar dish power plants [11]. However, Stirling Energy Systems and Southern California Edison have signed a 20 year contract that will eventually supply a capacity of 500 MW, with potential further expansion [19]. Stirling Energy Systems also has a contract with San Diego Gas & Electric for a 20 year contract that will provide a 300 MW solar power plant, which consists of 12,000 Stirling solar dishes on approximately three square miles in the Imperial Valley of Southern California [19].

At this point in time it’s difficult to say which solar thermal power station design is best. In the arena of electricity production, they are all still quite new technologies in comparison with many other types of power facilities. Many companies, such as Abengoa Solar, are investing several forms of solar power.

Key Issues Regarding Solar Thermal Power Stations

In a world pushing for “green” products, an obvious benefit of solar thermal power stations is the fact that they could help reduce greenhouse gas emissions [1]. This is very important since concern about CO₂ levels and other pollutants is growing [1]. It’s also a renewable energy since the supply of sunlight is virtually inexhaustible… or, at least, for many generations! Overall, it’s good for the environment, which makes an excellent selling point as long as the costs are deemed reasonable.

Another huge advantage of solar thermal power stations is their capability of storing energy [2]. This is something that photovoltaics are unable to do without expensive back-up systems, such as giant batteries [8]. In contrast, solar thermal power stations have the potential to store the heat absorbed by their fluid or charcoal blocks during the daytime [8]. Then, when it is night time or extremely overcast, the stored heat can be used to continue generating electricity [8,14]. This type of heat storage is still pretty early in development, but will definitely be more widely used in future projects. Some companies like Ausra claim that their new power plants will be able to store energy for up to 20 hours of usage [2].

Although there are many excellent benefits to solar thermal power, there are several disadvantages too. The big one is most likely the cost of producing power. Solar thermal power costs about 15 to 17 cents a kilowatt hour while most conventionally generated electricity is below 10 cents [20]. However, it’s believed that with better heat storage capabilities, larger thermal power plants, and other cost saving features it will be possible to significantly reduce the cost [20]. One paper even predicts that in the future solar thermal power could be produced for 6 cents per kilowatt hour [21].

Location, location, location! Of course, in order to capture as much sunlight as possible, these solar power plants need to be built in areas with lots of sunshine. Besides causing a dent in power production, bad weather can also cause damage to the mirrors [10]. In addition, a lot of land is required to build solar thermal power plants [7,13]. Exactly how much depends on the type of design and the planned capacity of the venture [7,13]. As an example, the 64MW capacity, parabolic trough design solar plant in Nevada required 400 acres of land [10]. Advocates of solar thermal power are quick to point out that these plants use much less space than hydroelectric dams (including the lake) and coal plants (including the land used for mining the coal) [22,23]. Although these factors eliminate many locations, there still are plenty of arid, empty desert areas around the world for such projects [2].

Conclusion

All things considered, solar thermal power station technology is still in its early growth phase and has a ton of potential for further improvement. However, even with the few presently operational plants, it’s beginning to change the way that we think of producing electricity. A multitude of new solar thermal power plants are already planned or even being constructed. With the current renewed interest in solar power, this technology is likely to grow by leaps and bounds in coming years.

References

1. Brakmann, G., Aringhoff, R., Geyer, M., & Teske, S. (September 2005). Exlploiting the Heat form the Sun to Combat Climate Change. Concentrated Solar Thermal Power – Now! [Brochure]. Greenpeace, ESTIA, & IEA Solar PACES Implementing Agreement.

2. An Introduction to Solar Thermal Electric Power. (2007). [Brochure]. Ausra, Inc.: Author.

3. Ausra, Inc. (n.d.). A history of solar power. Retrieved March 29, 2008, link.

4. Kemp, M. (2006). Leonardo Da Vinci : The Marvellous Works of Nature and Man. USA : Oxford Univeristy Press.

5. US Department of Energy: Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy. (n.d.). Solar history timeline: 1767-1891. Retrieved March 30, 2008, link.

6. US Department of Energy: Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy. (n.d.). PV in Use: Getting the Job Done with Solar Electricity. Retrieved March 29, 2008, link.

7. Abengoa Solar. (n.d.). Concentrated Solar Power: Parabolic Trough Technology. Retrieved March 29, 2008, link.

8. Fairley, P. (2007, September 27). Storing Solar Power Efficiently: Thermal-power plants that store heat for cloudy days could solve some of the problems with solar power. Technology Review, published by MIT. Retrieved March 30, 2008, link.

9. Fairley, P. (2007, February 29). Solar without the Panels: Utilities are using the sun’s heat to boil water for steam turbines. Technology Review, published by MIT. Retrieved March 30, 2008, link.

10. Walsh, B. (2008, March 3). Thermal Power Heats Up Nevada. TIME Magazine. Retrieved March 29, 2008 link.

11. Wikipedia. (2008, April 1). List of solar thermal power stations. Retrieved April 1, 2008, link.

12. Kanellos, M. (2007, November 5). PG&E links with Ausra for 177 megawatts of solar thermal power. CNET News. Retrieved March 30, 2008 link.

13. Abengoa Solar. (n.d.). Concentrated Solar Power: Power Tower. Retrieved March 29, 2008, link.

14. Cloncurry to run on solar alone: Bligh. (2007, November 4). The Age. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

15. Shukman, D. (2007, May 2). Power Station Harnesses Sun’s Rays. BBC News. Retrieved March 31, 2008 link.

16. BrightSource Energy, Inc. (2007, Oct 9). Press Releases: BrightSource Energy Plans 400MW Solar Thermal Plant. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

17. Southern California Edison. (n.d.). Renewable Energy. How It Works: Solar Power. Retrieved March 30, 2008 link.

18. Stirling Engine Systems. (n.d.). What is a Stirling Engine? Retrieved March 30, 2008, link.

19. Stirling Energy Systems. (n.d.). Breaking News. Retrieved March 30, 2008, link.

20. Kanellos, M. (2007, May 11). Shrinking the cost for solar power. CNET News. Retrieved March 31, 2008link.

21. Shinnar, R. & Citro, F. (2007). Solar thermal energy: the forgotten energy source. Technology in Society, 29(3):261-270.

22. Solel. (n.d.). Ten facts about solar thermal power. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

23. US Department of Energy: Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy. (n.d.). Solar FAQs – Concentrating Solar Power – Applications. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

24. Close up view of parabolic trough and heat collector. [Image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

25. Solar Energy in Spain. [Image]. (2007, August 15). Technology Review, published by MIT. Retrieved March 30, 2008, link.

26. Wikipedia. [Image]. (2007, July 2) Fresnel Reflector Design. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

27. Wikipedia. [Image]. (2007, September 23.). PS10 Solar Power Tower. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

28. Stirling Energy Systems. [Image]. (n.d.). Image Gallery. Retrieved March 31, 2008, link.

Today, I feel like doing a plant – no, an animal. Yes, today, I am going to make an animal. And it will be a masterpiece. I shall call it the…. No wait! Maybe I should think of the name later. Yes, you should always name your pieces after you have completed them. Better that way.

OK then. An animal it is. More specifically, a vertebrate. Large body, four legs, one tail, one head, usual stuff on the head – i.e., let’s just follow the standard animalia rubric. Nothing exciting there. Not yet anyway. So let’s give it an armored tail, with poisonous tendrils and a stink that can kill. Oooh, I like that – but maybe it’s too much. Why such a fancy tail? Maybe the tendrils can come out of its nostrils (note to self: Have I designed nostrils yet?). And the stink can come from the body itself.

But it doesn’t quite feel right. Feels forced. No matter, I suppose I can simply start over. Besides, I did the poisonous tendrils last week. But keep the stink? Yes, let’s keep that.

I know. How about we give it three, no eleven, no four stomachs! Four stomachs! For the efficient eating, of the grass. I am truly inspired! Don’t stop there. How’s this? This animal should urinate milk. From its groin, no less. From little appendages which I will humbly call teats that collectively, communally, reside on a mound of tissue I will call a brother.

Now I am on a roll. Milk will flow from the teats of this animal’s brother.

No wait, I cannot call it a brother. This animal has no lips – don’t want it to have lips – too common a thing for a masterpiece. Seen that, done that, yesterday’s news. But you can’t say the word “brother” without lips. Poor animal, that would be cruel. Instead, let’s call it an udder. Yes, an udder – that’s much better.

Now, of course, I need to work in a clown somehow. I love clowns. In truth, clowns are my all-time favorite design. How will I do this? Perhaps give the animal a raucous and overt sense of humor? Make it wear funny shoes? Make it scare the shit out of young children? No, not subtle enough – I want this animal to be so much deeper than that.

What if, and I’m just saying things as they come to me, this animal-can-be-ground-and-shaped-into-a-meat-patty- which-can-be-mass-produced-and-fried-on-heating-elements, and-then-sold-by-a-corporate-entity-bent-on-feeding-the-obesity-line-to-young-children -by-using-as-their-public-representation-and-symbol, a-clown, whom-we-shall-call-Jesus (no-wait,-let’s-save-that-one-for-later), whom-we-shall-call-Ronald-McDonald, and-these-meat-patties, which-will-be-inexplicably-and-mysteriously-called-hamburgers -after-a-completely-different-animal-I-haven’t-created-yet, will-also-be-considered-sacrilegious-by-fully-one-sixth-of-the-world’s-population, and-oh-oh-why-is-it-that-the-numbers-0157-cry-out-to-me? because-OH-MY-GOODNESS-I-can’t-believe-it, but-this-stuff-is-just-so-brilliant!

…

Take a breath. WHheeeew-hooooooo. Calm down. That’s pretty good. But maybe just think about some of the simple things now. Like color. Yes, color is good. And easy – let’s go with the rustic look, plus spots. Et voilà. We have finished yet another creation, which for some reason, I feel inclined to call a cow. Hold on, one last thing. It shall go “moo” when it speaks.

Yes, that’s a nice touch, even if I do say so myself. People are sure to talk about that one, maybe even create a song or two.

An Association Between the Kinship and Fertility of Human Couples (pdf) Science (2008), 391: 813-816

In which we learn that true love could be where the 3rd or 4th cousin is…

ABSTRACT:
Previous studies have reported that related human couples tend to produce more children than unrelated couples but have been unable to determine whether this difference is biological or stems from socioeconomic variables. Our results, drawn from all known couples of the Icelandic population born between 1800 and 1965, show a significant positive association between kinship and fertility, with the greatest reproductive success observed for couples related at the level of third and fourth cousins. Owing to the relative socioeconomic homogeneity of Icelanders, and the observation of highly significant differences in the fertility of couples separated by very fine intervals of kinship, we conclude that this association is likely to have a biological basis.

As of November 2005, 776 Nobel Prizes have been awarded (758 to individuals, 18 to organizations) in physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, peace, and economics. In that same month, according to the U.S. Bureau of Census, there were an estimated 6,469,818,677 people alive in the world. Consequently, the average person (or even the average scientist) has a very small chance of winning a Nobel Prize or even ever knowing anyone who has done so. However, there is a very small group of people whose odds of winning this estute award are exponentially increased. These people were the members of an elite brotherhood consisting of 20 members, known as the RNA Tie club. Eight of these members went on to win Nobel Prizes making the odds of winning a Nobel Prize in this specific ‘population’ 2 in 5. Indeed, this crude analysis is riddled with copious confounders. However, for the purposes of this discussion they have been wittingly ignored.

Founded in 1954 by Russian physicist George Gamow, the RNA tie club served the purpose of encouraging comradery and collaboration between some of the forward researchers of the time. This inter-disciplinary ‘team’ met bi-annually to try and solve the mystery of RNA structure and how it contributed to the formation of proteins. In the meantime, they wrote letters to one another proposing new ideas that were not yet developed enough to be submitted for publication in scientific journals. Gamow believed it was imperative to advancement and discovery that scientists from different fields share their ideas and results. However, this club was also an excuse to gather and drink whiskey and beer. If one were to speculate, it could be thought that this may be part of the reason why Marshall Nirenberg (not a club member) beat the entire RNA tie team to deciphering the first letter of the genetic code.

The members of the RNA tie club that achieved the most popular fame were Drs. James Watson and Francis Crick. Every club member received a moniker after one of the 20 amino acids. Dr. Watson was named after proline, and Dr. Crick after tyrosine. In the April 25th 1953 issue of Nature, one of the most eminent papers of all time was published by Watson and Crick: “Molecular structure of nucleic acids; a structure for deoxyribose nucleic acid”. It is within this article that they announced that DNA was a right-handed double helix. Before this, there had been a frenzy of work and publications attempting to explain the structure of DNA. The key to Watson and Crick’s model was that the nucleotides were assumed to be laying perpendicular to the plane of the phosphate backbone with hydrogen bonds between a purine on one strand and a pyrimidine on the opposing strand. They also propose that the specific pairing that they suggested insinuates a copying mechanism for DNA. Watson and Crick received their Nobel prize in 1962 for this discovery, and thus did not benefit from the RNA tie club in this regard. Crick would later be able to attribute some success in proposing the adaptor hypothesis, and later the wobble hypothesis, to interactions with other tie club members. In fact, Crick refers to his proposal of the adaptor hypothesis in a letter to other members of the RNA tie club as the most influential unpublished paper he had ever written. In this letter he proposed that there existed twenty adaptors and twenty enzymes, one for each amino acid. The specific enzyme would join the amino acid to its corresponding adaptor, which would then travel to the RNA template and be held in place by hydrogen binding. This was essentially correct, although Crick did not discover the tRNA molecule.

Lesson number 1: perform the work for winning a Nobel prize before joining a prestigious club so that you can sit back, relax and get the most out of conversing with your fellow scientists.

George Gamow founded the RNA Tie club after his first attempt at deciphering the genetic code. Gamow postulated in a 1953 Nature paper that there existed a diamond shaped cavity formed between 4 nucleotides in which amino acids could fit in a stereotypic fashion. The amino acids would line up within this groove, and once complete, an enzyme would come along and link them all together. He proposed this as an overlapping triplet code; he was correct on the triplet aspect, but not on the overlapping sequence. Crick would later use the protein sequence data available at the time to show that the diamond code model was unfeasible; there were known patterns of amino acid repetitions that the diamond code was not able to reproduce. Gamow continued on and proposed the triangle code; an overlapping triplet code that again was disproved by another RNA tie club member. This time, it was Sydney Brenner (2002 Nobel Prize winner, also known as valine) who used the protein sequencing data to show that overlapping codons could not contribute to the amino acid sequence. By doing this, Brenner ended the era of the overlapping triplet code.

Although Gamow’s work masquerading as a molecular biologist was largely unsuccessful, he is still well known for work pre-RNA tie club where he established the theory of alpha decay. He also showed that as a star burns hydrogen it heats up, thus providing strong support for the Big Bang theory. Gamow’s personal life was almost as remarkable as his career. He was born in the Russian empire to which he returned after his post-doctoral training at the University of Copenhagen and at the Cavendish Laboratory with Ernest Rutherford. He made two attempts to flee the increasing oppression in his native country by trying to kayak across the Black Sea with his wife to Norway. After failing both times because of bad weather, he used his wits a bit more and obtained permission for both he and his wife to attend a conference for physicists in Brussels. They never returned to Russia and instead set up a new life in the United States. George Gamow never received a Nobel Prize.

Lesson number 2: never be the founder of a prestigious club full of future Nobel laureates.

Lesson number 3: never attempt a daring escape of any kind with 2 physicists until they have had at least 2 practice runs.

Melvin Calvin, or histadine, won the 1961 Nobel Prize in chemistry for his work on the biochemistry of carbon fixation. Calvin exposed algea to the carbon-14 isotope and mapped the complete route that carbon travels through a plant from CO₂ absorption to conversion into organic compounds, such as carbohydrates. Having worked out the major steps involved in the metabolic process of photosynthesis, this pathway would later take his namesake and be referred to as the ‘Calvin Cycle’. Calvin did not make any major public discoveries regarding the mysteries of RNA or the genetic code.

Lesson number 4: do not focus your research on anything even resembling what the other future Nobel prize winners in your group are doing.

Comradere was not always found between the members of the RNA tie club. Erwin Chargaff, or lysine, apparently did not get along very well with Watson and Crick from their very first meeting. However, his work was crucial for Watson and Crick to discover the structure of DNA. Chargaff has proposed two rules, fittingly known as the Chargaff rules. The first rule was essentially that in DNA, the number of adenine molecules equals the number of thymine molecules, and that the number of cytosine molecules equals the number of guanine molecules. He also noted that cytosine and guanine are of lesser abundance than the other two nucleotides. The second rule states that DNA composition varies between species, particular with respect to the relative amounts of matching nucleotides. This pointed strongly to DNA being the source of genetic material. Chargaff did not win a Nobel Prize, although many believe he should have shared the prize with Watson and Crick. He no longer has the opportunity to win the Nobel Prize as he passed away in 2002; the Nobel prize is not awarded posthumously.

Lesson number 5: not liking someone else who will win a Nobel prize is okay.

There are many more members of the RNA tie club not addressed here. They all have fascinating stories, with each one full of lessons to be learned. However, important lessons also stem from the men who actually cracked the genetic code, and were not RNA tie club members. Marshall Nirenberg and his colleague Johann Matthaei were able to uncover the first letter of the genetic code using an elegantly simple experiment. They took a test tube and added to it all of the components believed to be required for protein synthesis. This included ribosomes, free nucleotides, amino acids, energy and an RNA template. The genius part of this experiment was that the RNA template that they used consisted of a string of uracils. Protein synthesis ensued and resulted in a chain of phenylalanines. This showed that UUU coded for phenylalanines. They continued on and found that a succession of cytosines codes for proline. Har Gobind Khorana, a scientist from the University of Wisconsin, followed suite by synthesizing chains of dinucleotide repeats to decipher the rest of the coding sequence. Nirenberg and Khorana shard the Nobel prize in 1968 with Robert Holley, the discover of transfer RNA. Matthaei did not win the Nobel prize. He was a post-doctoral fellow at the National Institute of Health at the time and thus Nirenberg was able to take all of the credit for the work they did together. Some believe that he was much more deserving of this award than Khorana.

Lesson number 6: never work as a post-doctoral fellow for someone who will go on to win a Nobel prize.

Lesson number 7: joining a prestigious club may distract your from your Nobel prize winning work.

Although only a sampling of the RNA tie club members and some of the other major players in cracking the genetic code have been discussed, their stories hold some important lessons for today’s biologists. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that a club containing the leading researchers in the scientific community would exist as successfully today. There is a lot to learn from this club aside from lessons relating to the Nobel Prize (which have been introduced satirically). One of its main goals was to promote sharing of intellectual ideas; this is rare in today’s world of intellectual property and patents. It was also to create a focus on interdisciplinary learning, another side of science that has been ignored as the required knowledge base in each discipline expands. However, lately a myriad of ‘interdisciplinary’ programs are popping up in universities, usually related to biology and computer science. Many of the ideas proposed by the club members were formed by thinking about available data at length, forming a hypothesis and then testing this hypothesis through either experimental methods or mathematics. This methodology is often overlooked by scientists today who perform ‘high-throughput’ experiments and then later form hypotheses based on their results. This premeditation step before ploughing through experiments is key to designing the elegantly simple experiments seen a few decades ago. Until scientists begin to think like this again, we will be bogged down with papers regarding minute gene changes occurring in a cell without anyone seeking the answers to the big picture questions. The RNA tie club and its members not only laid the groundwork for all molecular biology today, they also taught us valuable lessons in how to win (or not win) a Nobel Prize and how we should conduct our research today.

I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics again this year. What’s a guy got to do to win that thing? I was made to win that prize, but for like the umpteenth time in a row I’ve been given the shaft. Annoying! Who cares if I’m not a physixcist or however you spell it? I’ve been doing lots of cool physics-type stuff forever and deserve some recognition and money.

Since a teenager I’ve done this kick-ass trick where I put a quarter in each of the palms of my hands and then I quickly slam my hands down against a tabletop. When I lift my hands I reveal that one of the quarters has magically moved from one hand to the other. SHAZAM! It’s kind of hard to explain in writing, but basically when I slam my hands down I quickly flip one quarter into to my other hand. I do this so fast that nobody can see the quarter change hands. It’s awesome.

So, you see what I mean? That trick has “Nobel Prize in Physics” written all over it. I’ve been doing it for close to twenty years now. A guy from high school taught me the trick during a down time in chemistry class. He shouldn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics, though. I should. He’s a jerk. At least he was. Haven’t seen him in a while. Last time I did we got into a big argument over VH1. I love VH1. He doesn’t. What a jerk.

Anyway, screw that guy. I do the trick better than him, anyhow. People love it. My trick makes people happy, especially four-year-olds. My son marvels at it every time. He thinks I’m awesome. If there was a Nobel Prize in Dad I’d win that every year. My other son doesn’t like my quarter trick as much, but he’s only two and can’t fully appreciate it. He’s always takes the quarters out of my hands and pretends they’re airplanes. Annoying!

My quarter trick isn’t the only cool physics-type trick I do. I can crack an egg with one hand and hardly have any of it spill on the kitchen counter. Yep, pretty much the entire egg goes right into the bowl. It’s awesome. All with one hand, too. With my other hand I often pump my fist because I did the trick really well. Sir Isaac Hayes probably did the same thing when that apple fell on his head.

I also have an uncanny ability to find the remote control when it’s lost. It’s like I always know exactly where to look. Just last week the remote was missing and my whole family was a wreck. I saved the day by looking under the couch cushions and–SHAZAM! There it was! It was like I knew it was there all along. Kind of spooky. I guess that’s more of an example of how I am a psychic and not a physickcyst or however you spell it, but whatever, you get my point: I’m really talented and awesome and I should be swimming in Nobel Prizes.

Oddly enough, the guy who won the Nobel Prize in Physics this year lives in the same town as me. He’s like 80. I drive by his house all the time. Not sure what the big deal about him is. He’s got an okay lawn, but his shrubs suck. My shrubs are way better than his. I have half a mind to knock on his door and show him my quarter trick. The few old people I’ve shown it to have liked the trick a lot. Bet he’d feel real bad about winning the Nobel Prize in Physics after seeing me work my magic. I wonder if he likes VH1?

At any rate, I rest my case. May this essay serve as a wake up call to the Nobel people. Here’s hoping when they give their prize in Physics next year, my name, Christopher Monks, will be on it engraved in big blinged-out lettering. I can’t wait! SHAZAM!