The long awaited and multiply postponed 6th Edition of Ezra Pound’s “On Biochemistry” continues the tradition of the previous five editions by costing far more than one would reasonably imagine such a book should cost. This is the fourth edition of the text published since Pound’s death, and thus also continues the biochemistry publishing industry’s penchant for postmortem publishing.

Although Pound’s poetry and prose are stunningly beautiful, they serve as poor conduits for the conveyance of complex biochemical concepts such as oxidative phosphorylation or the citric acid cycle. The raw emotion of the reproduced hand drawings is nice, but they look more like poorly drawn genitalia than metabolic pathways and enzyme mechanisms.

The textbook’s beautiful teal green cover belies the thousand pages of dense, lyrically exquisite, but nearly incoherent text within. This is an ideal textbook for both semester long and year long Biochemistry courses, as it is written in such a disjointed and convoluted fashion that it will be difficult for any student to contest even the most flagrantly incorrectly graded exam question.

This is a large book. Weighing in at a solid 11.5 pounds (5.2 kg), this book is good for whacking things. For example, just the other day my cat was up on the kitchen counter eating some raw chicken and I whacked it with the book. It lay unconscious for several minutes, and has not been back up on the kitchen counter since. I would certainly recommend this book to anyone with a cat that tends toward misbehavior. I think it would also work with small dogs.

It has become the industry norm to package biochemistry textbooks with a variety of multimedia extras. Pound’s new edition comes with two CD’s of practice test questions and a DVD of “CSI: The Complete Fifth Season”. However, the CSI DVD in this reviewer’s package was cracked, and the requested replacement had not yet arrived at the time of this writing.

If you only have time to read one biochemistry textbook this year, Ezra Pound’s “On Biochemistry” is the book you want, unless you actually need to learn some biochemistry. This book is destined to become a classic, or perhaps an evidentiary exhibit in a cruelty to animals trial.

To Whom I Have Chosen:

If you have received this letter, I have met my untimely death. Please know that I have not died by whatever reason(s) was/were publicly given, but was assassinated by extremist religious groups. My battle with them has raged for decades and I have made preparations, knowing this to be my end.

My estate’s executor has dispatched this letter to you, as you are one of the top scientists in your field – be it biology, physics, chemistry, or another discipline. You have received this because you must now know the ultimate secret that I have guarded.

There is no such thing as Science: The universe is governed by Magic.

I discovered Magic in early 1900 during my doctoral work at the University of Zurich studying theoretical physics. After stumbling upon Magic I spent weeks in the lab, frightened and awed by this horrible truth. Soon, I uncovered various types of Magic: Basic Magic, Theoretical Magic, Complex Magic, Magic involving Rabbits. By 1901 I had found an energy field that was previously unknown, but was ubiquitous: The Copperfield. The universe, once shrouded in mystery, was now elegant and unified. All I had hoped to do for science was explained by Magic. How does the Earth revolve around the Sun, that nature has such a variety of biodiversity, a coin appear from behind an ear? Magic.

Sadly, I realized man would never fully understand gravity, magnetism, or light. The giants of science collapsed before me like pillars of sand. Newton, Archimedes, Faraday – all became clowns in history’s greatest circus. Worse, I knew that if science could not explain the world, neither could religion. I kept the secret closely guarded; how these religious groups uncovered my discovery and began their attempts to destroy me, I do not know. I did know that opening this Pandora’s Box could result in a global war and I would be detested by humanity, except the magicians.

Therefore, I pushed science to new frontiers to conceal this cataclysmic revelation. I created the most outlandish scientific phenomenon since Thermodynamics: The Wave-Particle Duality. To keep the secret hidden it was imperative to introduce scientists to a new and complex theory refuting the current wave-function theory of light. This “phenomenon” took over one year to fabricate. My only regret was its utter simplicity; how could it not be deconstructed?

The theory captured the scientific community as I had hoped. Other scientists began studying light as quanta. I admit I suppressed a laugh when I was told Dr. Millikan verified my “calculations.” The only word to describe how that paper was written is “hastily.” I realized that if a plodding dullard like Millikan could become so close to discovering my ruse I needed to create new theories and concepts to distract physicists.

I began writing papers at a furious pace about anything, at times opening up the dictionary and coupling random words to create a new areas of study: relativistic cosmology, gravitational lensing, zero-point energy, and explaining the so-called Brownian Movement. The explanation of Brownian Movement was inspired by a dance my English bulldog, Robbie Brown, would perform when he heard the ice-cream trolley.

Through the years I kept producing concepts more extreme and esoteric. At the end of my rope and unable to produce any valid papers, I proposed the building of the atomic bomb. Please do not judge me, but I had to keep the scientific community occupied. I thought fission could not be achieved and was horrified by the destruction the bomb created. In my waning years I wish I had not advocated this course of action; I regret it fully.

You may be wondering why I have given this information to you and a handful of other top scientists. Within your group are Nobel Laureates and others with equations that bear their names. Although I may have inadvertantly destroyed your lifetime of work and achievements with a single letter, I hope to set you toward a new goal: to make the discovery of Magic public knowledge. My hope is that once people know Magic controls every facet of our lives, it will be harnessed for honorable purposes, not merely for entertainment purposes. I cannot abide another maddening instance of my kerchief being eaten whole or to witness my pocket watch be crushed with a novelty sized hammer, only to have both reappear unharmed.

However, please act with the utmost of care – Magic is all around us, and like any powerful conceit, it deserves the respect it commands.

Yours,
Albert Einstein

Note: the enclosed proofs – these should be as thorough as needed to validate my claims.

Bananas are just a fruit, how are they considered a global issue?

Although bananas may only look like a fruit, they represent a wide variety of environmental, economic, social, and political problems. The banana trade symbolizes economic imperialism, injustices in the global trade market, and the globalization of the agricultural economy [1]. Bananas are also number four on the list of staple crops in the world and one of the biggest profit makers in supermarkets, making them critical for economic and global food security [2]. As one of the first tropical fruits to be exported, bananas were a cheap way to bring “the tropics” to North America and Europe [3]. Bananas have become such a common, inexpensive grocery item that we often forget where they come from and how they got here.

Bananas are cheap for a reason, having adopted unfair work trends (such as low wages and long hours) which are found in many global industries. Consequently, the lives of workers in developing countries have been sacrificed in order to keep bananas affordable [4]. Employees face shocking working conditions and extremely low wages. Furthermore, the large transnational banana companies that control wages, prices in the global banana trade, represent a real threat to small farmers [5]. In fact, economic wars have been fought over bananas, and they are the continuing cause of economic and political problems. They are also one of the most environmentally harmful agricultural industries [6]. Produced on multiple continents and consumed around the world, who knew that this popular, healthy fruit could cause such massive destruction?

How did bananas become such massive problem?

The history of the banana industry is long, dark, and complex. Economic and political problems and the mistreatment of workers date back to the late 1800s in Honduras, when the first railway system that connected Central America with North America was built. Bananas are a very difficult fruit to transport and keep fresh, and the railways allowed the export of bananas [7]. American businessmen very quickly bought large plots of land and shipped bananas to the United States, and a very prominent American corporation called the United Fruit Company (UFC) controlled the trade. UFC soon owned much of the best agricultural land in countries such as Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua, and the banana industry grew exponentially between 1900 and 1930 [8].

At this time the term “banana empire” or “banana republic” emerged, appropriately named because UFC held incredible economic and political power in these countries [9]. For example, in 1930 UFC owned 63 percent of the 103 million bunches of bananas exported from Latin America [10]. The extent of their power and control was possible because Central America, a continent which historically had been economically weak and politically divided, was powerless against the large corporation. UFC thrived on the lack of unity, poverty, and corrupt governments [11]. Businessmen were able to manipulate governments to get the best land, and vertically integrate the industry to control all aspects of production and keep prices low [12] . Over the next few decades, Ecuador and many Caribbean islands joined the banana trade, while other transnational corporations emerged. Although these new producing countries greatly profited from the enormous amounts of exports, production of other industries declined, leading to an unhealthy dependance on the banana.

The banana industry in Latin America peaked in 1930; thereafter, the transnational corporations slowly lost much of their political influence in the banana republics, due to a number of factors such as plant disease, the great depression, and labor issues [13]. However they were still keen to keep a presence in Latin America, and in the 1950s, these transnational fruit corporations intervened when the Guatemalan government attempted to take back land from the corporations to distribute it among the peasants. The American government, backed by the transnational fruit corporations, overthrew the democratically elected government, and helped elect a president who favored their economic interests [14].

Later, in the 1990s, economic wars began between Britain, the United States, Latin America, and the Caribbean [15]. These “wars” which were fought over tariffs, import licenses, and the question of free trade, continue until today. Many complicated agreements exist, and determine which countries may export bananas to which markets. This is a major topic of debate within the World Trade Organization [16]. However, the biggest problem is that developed countries are continually searching for the cheapest bananas, and are willing to ignore the abominable treatment of workers and the worst environmental practices. Many countries around the world are now involved in this trade, and responsible for its political, economic, social, and environmental problems.

Where and how are bananas produced?

Bananas are produced in tropical climates around the world, from Mexico to Brazil, from to the Philippines to Madagascar. For the most part, bananas that are grown for export are grown in large scale plantations up to 100 square kilometers [17]. There are over 300 species of bananas, yet only one is grown for international trade: the Cavendish [18].

Banana plants take ten months to grow from a sapling to a fruit bearing tree [19]. The fruit is harvested four to five months later, while they are still green, in large bunches that can weigh up to 80 kilograms [20]. They are then taken to a packing site where they are separated, washed, wrapped and boxed. High esthetic standards must be met, and only “perfect” looking bananas are considered acceptable; any that are blemished are thrown away. The United Nations Agriculture Organization estimates that 30 to 40 percent of bananas are discarded based solely on appearance [21].

The enormous boxes containing the bananas are shipped around the world on freighters with intensive refrigerated units where the bananas are stored in order to prevent pre-mature ripening. It is estimated that this type of shipping accounts of five percent of world carbon dioxide emissions [22]. Once the fruit arrives in the country of destination, they are artificially ripened in warehouses by spraying them with a chemical called ethylene in carefully controlled temperatures. They are then transferred (usually by road or rail transportation) to retailers and wholesalers [23] . In all, the entire process produces large amounts of carbon dioxide emissions and waste.

Which companies export bananas?

The banana plantations and the banana trade are owned and controlled by transnational companies. In fact, only five transnational companies, Chiquita, Dole (both American based), Del Monte (Chilean based), Fyffes (Ireland based), and Noboa, known as the “Bonita” brand, (Ecuadorian based) own over 90 percent of internationally traded bananas [24]. In Latin America the main exporters are (in descending order): Ecuador, Costa Rica, Colombia, Guatemala, Honduras, Panama, Brazil, Mexico, Nicaragua, Venezuela, and Peru. Bananas from these countries are called “dollar bananas” because they are exported to North America and produced by American companies. The Ivory Coast, Cameroon, St. Lucia, Jamaica, Belize, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, Dominica, Suriname, Grenada, Somalia, Cape Verde, and Madagascar are called ACP bananas (African Caribbean and Pacific). These countries produce the bananas which are exported to Europe [25].

Colonial histories influence trade agreements and partly determine who exports to whom. For example, in North America we do not consume bananas from Belize or Suriname, which were former European colonies. Transnational companies will export from where it is cheapest and easiest. Although certain countries produce just as many bananas as others, for example Brazil produces just as many or more bananas than Ecuador, due to government policies and trade agreements, production and export of Brazilian bananas is more costly. Therefore, most Brazilian bananas are not exported and we consume bananas from Ecuador, a country where it is cheap to produce.

What are these so called “banana wars”?

The banana wars were a series of trade disputes between the USA and the European Union. The origins of the debate date back to the 1940s, although the most heated wars took place between 1993 and 2001 [26]. The US and the EU were the biggest players, although many other countries were also affected [27]. Free trade and tariffs were some of the fundamental reasons on which the banana wars were fought. The EU favors trade preferences, higher tariffs, and import licenses, where as the US prefers lower tariffs and free trade to encourage competitiveness and the constant search for lower prices [28].

The American approach leads to large scale plantations such as those in Latin America. Caribbean bananas, for example, are grown on very small plantations, and it is difficult to produce them cheaply in large quantities. Several important debate issues were as follows: the UK, who was then president of the European Union, were very much interested in protecting the banana industry in the Caribbean and wanted to foster trade with their former colonies [29].

Furthermore, in the early 1990s a banana import policy (the Lomé Convention) was created, which restricted the amount of Latin American bananas imported to Europe. This infuriated the United States because they led the banana trade in Latin America and were afraid of losing their market [30]. The World Trade Organization got involved in the disputes after the EU finalized and signed the Lomé Convention with its banana trade partners in 1993. This convention allowed European Union members to import from all ACP exporters (previously European countries only imported from former colonies). This accord also allowed European countries to favor ACP bananas. This greatly concerned the WTO, who favored more free trade [31]. The disputes cooled off in November 2001 when negotiations began in order to find a new trade regime that would please both parties and these negotiations continue until today [32].

These wars demonstrated the globalization of the agricultural industry, the importance that a single trade item holds, and most notably, it showed the power of the American corporation and its ability to influence trade policies [33].

What are some of the social issues associated with banana production?

The biggest problem with the banana trade is that there is currently a “race to the bottom”. This competition for the lowest prices is led by supermarkets, who are constantly looking to buy the cheapest bananas [34]. This comes at a great cost to plantation workers because they, in turn, are paid lower wages. For every dollar spent on bananas at the supermarket, eleven cents or less goes to the plantation. More often than not plantations receive only five cents from every dollar, which is then divided up, and as a result, workers are being paid shockingly low wages [35]. The actual wage workers receive depends on the country; for example, in Nicaragua workers are paid roughly one and a half US dollars for a day’s work. In Ecuador they may receive as much as five to eight US dollars; however, even this is not enough to pay for basic necessities [36].

Workers are forced to stay ten to twelve hours, even though they are only paid for eight. Transnational fruit corporations often do not respect labour codes nor workers rights, but workers have little way to protest because they are often prohibited for joining trade unions [37]. The work itself is physically demanding and workers may have to carry extremely heavy loads or stand for ten hours straight with their unprotected hands dipped in a bath of chemicals (in order to wash the bananas) [38]. Bananas are grown using large amounts of toxic pesticides, and cancer or even death from exposure is a concern. Indeed, many of these chemicals are prohibited in North America and Europe, but are still used on banana plantations [39].

Accidents are also a common occurrence and there is no medical treatment or compensation for workers [40]. Furthermore, plantation work offers very little job security. Laborers often migrate to find work, and then are only given a three to six month contract [41]. Although housing is provided on the plantation, conditions are usually appalling. Child labor is common place, and a non governmental organization in Ecuador found that children as young as eight were being recruited to work [42]. Gender discrimination also exists: women face sexual harassment, and men often make three to four times more for similar work. Lastly, indigenous populations are driven out from their land in order to create space for the plantations [43].

The worst problem, however, is that the banana republics have become so dependent on the banana trade that if all of a sudden importers stop buying, these countries will immediately face severe economic shock, and the entire country will suffer. This was seen with the case of Jamaica, who traditionally exported to the United Kingdom. When disease and other conditions harmed Jamaican banana production and made it more costly, the UK turned to Central America (where it was cheaper) for its banana imports, and the Jamaican economy greatly suffered [44].

How is the banana industry affecting the environment?

The banana is a very ecologically demanding species. It pollutes the air, water, and land. Land is cleared in order to make space for banana plantations, but because banana trees shed no natural leaf litter to feed the soil, it depletes very quickly. Plantations are therefore forced to expand, and the problems associated with banana production grow. Deforestation and unhealthy soil cause erosion, and the runoff causes frequent flooding and damage from sedimentation [45]. In a 1997 study done off the coast of Costa Rica, it was discovered that 60 percent of the coral reefs in Cahuita National Park had been severely damaged due to runoff from coastal banana plantations [46].

Heavy pesticide use also causes problems. In an attempt to meet the demand for aesthetically perfect bananas, over 400 types of agrochemicals are used. In fact, more chemicals are used during banana production than any other crop with the exception of cotton [47]. These chemicals can lead to sterility, cancer, and death. Insects become resistant to many of these pesticides, therefore stronger, more toxic chemicals are needed. These chemicals affect mammals, birds, and plants, and the bio-diversity of the area quickly disappears. Pesticides also destroy the possibility for pioneer plant species to grow, and the area dies.

Furthermore, bananas are grown as a mono-culture, meaning that all the bananas on a plantation are genetically identical. Although this makes crops easy to manage, these bananas face an increased risk of being wiped out by a single type of pest, fungi or disease [48]. In order to prevent this from happening even more chemicals are used. It is estimated that 30 kilograms of pesticides are used per hectare per year on a banana plantation, whereas only 2.7 kilograms are used for the average European cereal crop [49].

Lastly, according to the World Wildlife Fund the banana industry produces more waste than any other agricultural sector in the developing world [50]. It is estimated that for every one ton of bananas produced, there are two tons of waste [51]. This waste includes industrial plastic bags that cover the bananas during growing stages, the string that ties up these bags, and the containers the bananas are carried in. Banana trees only bear fruit once in their lifetime, therefore once bananas are cultivated, the tree is no longer useful, and goes to waste [52]. Also, those 30 to 40 percent of bananas that do not meet aesthetic standards are thrown away. Most of this waste is poisoned with toxic pesticides and harms the environment [53]. Although international environmental standards have been created in order to reduce these problems, many companies fail to follow them [54].

What is being done to change banana practices?

Although Chiquita and other companies have been making efforts to improve practices, there are still many problems with the banana industry [55] . As a result, there are a number of NGOs working towards improving the banana industry. An important British NGO called Banana Link (www.bananalink.org.uk) is a great source of information on the industry. With their partners, they are looking to reverse the “race to the bottom” [56].

With the help of a number of different NGOs, international banana conferences have been held between producing and exporting countries in order to acknowledge and analyze the problems with the banana trade and to look for feasible solutions [57]. These conferences brought together governments, companies, stake holders, and researchers. So far there have been two conferences in Brussels, one in 1998 and the other in 2005 [58]. After the first conference, an international banana charter was created, which outlined an action plan for improving social conditions.

Unfortunately, the charter was not observed, and if anything, working conditions actually worsened on account of the power recently acquired by large global retailers, who refused to cooperate and follow the charter. They actually lowered banana prices, which in turn, forced smaller retailers to lower their prices as well, and less money reached the plantations. A participant declaration was created after the second banana conference. Most importantly, this declaration attempted to regulate supermarket prices and enforce health, safety and environmental practices on the plantations themselves [59].

One of the important NGOs involved in these conferences (and the banana trade in general) is COLISBA (Coordinadora Latinoamericano de Sindicatos Bananeros). This group coordinates trade unions across eight Latin American countries. In general, workers are not permitted to join trade unions, and this organization fights for the creation of unions and workers’ rights. Other important organizations include EUROBAN, IUF (International Union of Food, Agriculture, Hotel, Restaurant, Catering, Tobacco, and Allied Workers’ Association), and US/LEAP (US labor and education in the Americas project). These three organizations also fight for workers’ rights, as well as rally against unsustainable environmental practices, and demand fair trade. The International Network for the Improvement of the Banana and Plantain (INIBAP) is one of the few organizations that does scientific research in order to improve banana production for small farmers [60].

The World Trade Organization rules currently state that importing countries may not refuse to buy bananas based on the way exporters treat their workers or oversee environmental practices [61]. The biggest challenge these NGOs face is changing the WTO’s rules so that importing countries can no longer buy from countries that do not follow international standards which were declared at the banana conferences.

What can I, as an individual, do to help?

The power to change the banana trade is truly in the hands of the consumer. One can purchase fair trade bananas, which are grown on plantations where workers are treated in a just manner and are paid higher wages. If consumers buy these fair trade bananas, demand for them will increase. Theoretically demand for other, non fair trade bananas will decrease and working conditions will improve.

Organic bananas are another feasible solution. Although workers on organic plantations may still face injustices, the environmental practices are considerably more sustainable, the crops are not always grown as a mono-culture, and less environmental damage is being done [62]. Unfortunately, organics currently only account for one to two percent of global banana exports [63].

It is important to remember that the banana trade affects the entire world, and it is up to us, as banana consumers in developed world, to help the lives of workers in the developing world, to end environmental damage, and to encourage fair trade.

FOOTNOTES
1. “The Banana Trade,” Banana Link, link.
2. “The Banana Trade,” Banana Link and Chapman, Peter, Bananas: How the United Fruit Company Shaped the World, (Great Britain: Canongate Books Ltd. 2007) 20.
3. Hamer, Ed. “Bananas.” The Ecologist, September 2007, 24.
4. “The Banana Trade,” Banana Link.
5. Hamer 24.
6. Shah, Anup. “Bananas,” Global Issues, link
7. Wiley, James, The Banana: Empires, Trade Wars, and Globalization (Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press, 2008) 6.
8. Wiley 29
9. Chapman 68
10. Scott Jenkins, Virgina, Bananas: an American History (Washington DC: Smithsonian Institution Press, 2000) 20.
11. Wiley 31
12. Wiley 18
13. Wiley 35
14. Chapman 123
15. Myers 23
16. Myers x
17. “Trade Policy,” Banana Link, link.
18. Hamer 24
19. Scott Jenkins 5
20. Hamer 27
21. Hamer 27
22. Hamer 27
23. Hamer 27
24. “Trade Policy,” Banana Link.
25. “Trade Policy,” Banana Link.
26. Wiley 164
27. Myers 1.
28. Wiley 181
29. Myers 3
30. Wiley xix
31. Alter, Karen J. and Sophie Meunier “Nested and overlapping regimes in the
transatlantic banana trade dispute” Journal of European Public Policy. April 2006. 368
32. Myers 178
33. Myers 1 and Wiley xix
34. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link, link
35. Hamer 26
36. Hamer 26
37. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
38. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
39. Hamer 26
40. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
41. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
42. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
43. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
44. Myers 24
45. Hamer 25
46. Hamer 25
47. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
48. “Banana Republics take up ecotourism,” Earth Explorer, 1995 eLibrary, Proquest CSA. Vancouver Public Library, link. (March 15 2009).
49. Hamer 26
50. Hamer 26
51. Hamer 26
52. Scott Jenkins 5
53. Hamer 26
54. “Social and Environmental Impacts,” Banana Link.
55. Jackson, Rachel, “Green Bananas,” E Magazine, January/February 2007, eLibrary. Proquest CSA. Vancouver Public Library. link. March 31 2009.
56. “The Banana Trade,” Banana Link.
57. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link, link.
58. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link.
59. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link.
60. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link.
61. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link.
62. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link.
63. “Alternatives for the Future,” Banana Link.

A curve is a dot that flew like a hawkⁱ.

An icosahedron is a dot that didn’t know where to stopⁱⁱ.

A scribble is a dot not knowing what it soughtⁱⁱⁱ.

A circle is a dot that just goes round and round,
A coil is a dot that keeps getting wound^iv.

An exclamation is a dot with an erection^v.

An asterisk is a dot with hair^vi.

A Buckyball is a dot that was out there to shop^vii.

A doodle is a dot that dances a lotⁱ.

A colon is a dot who found true love^viii.

A knot is a dot that lost it’s path.
(disclaimer: in a closed space)^ix

A star is a dot that’s really really hot^v.
A tittle is a dot^x.

Z is a dot after too many drinks^xi.

A bot is a dot, out of silicon wrought^xii.

A semicolon is a dot taking a dump^xiii.

Ellipses are dots that decided to clump^xiv.

A division sign is a dot looking at the mirror in vain,
A curl is a dot that had too much champagne^iv.

A comet is a dot with a wild streak^xv.

A shooting star is a dot that can’t be caught^vii.
A squiggle is a dot that lost the plot^xv.

An O is a dot yawning^v.

A bulls eye is dot that is tough to spot^xii.

A fuzzball is a dot with goosebumps^xvi.

A double helix is a dot that is entangled and can’t get out^x.

A dot is not what you and I thought^xvii.

A dot is a dot is a dot^xviii.

So a dot is but a symbol that ends every line,
And hence with a dot we stop this silly rhyme^xiv.

FOOTNOTES:
i. Rahul “Anonick” Dandekar
ii. Madhura Rane
iii. Anisha “Anne” Zaveri
iv. Adi Sengupta
v. Bimal Bharath
vi. Srikanth Vishwanathan
vii. Shatabdi “Express” Chaudhary
viii. Siddharth “Sid” Joshi
ix. Ravitej U.
x. Anandi Rajan
xi. Shivam Gupta
xii. Preyas P.
xiii. Ranaji Deb
xiv. Raj Dabholkar
xv. Nikita Mehra
xvi. Rajani Rajan
xvii. Achal Agrawal
xviii. Nikhil Karthik

It is one of those forests where, if you run fast enough,
barefooted and alive, you can touch off – roots and ground-
shadows become branches, green acorns, and shade falling
asleep until you find yourself swimming in the clouds,
not kicking but push-gliding, lungs and down-soft sun
breathing in and out through every pore. A bird may nibble
the moss from between your toes, but other than that
you’d never know you were the least bit out of place.
You’ll know you have arrived when you hear
my footsteps approaching from behind the ocean.
They plink, maroon-gold and bronze, along
the opal planes of rippling waves – schools of fish
and planets turning as if to say hello, before continuing
their orbits with flicking tails and comets.
Remember, as you are eating your sapphires
and drinking your amber, that just as taste and smell
discuss your crumbs, more senses – both relatives
and strangers – await us on this star. We will drink
and breathe at once, inhaling the teal and violet light
that leads us to the city on the hill.
There, above the forest, we will learn to count
new colors over tea; and, when we are overflowing
of sweetness and numbers, we will play hopscotch
on the moons, or take a nap between distance and time.

I never realized the moonrise was so bloody. It hangs over the hazy lights of the city like an attacking alien planet, looking much more like Mars than Mars, which actually looks like a star, and is only slightly red if you squint really, really hard.

Outside the city, on an empty access road, I get the best view I can afford, but even here in the prairies, I am resentful of all the things in my way. I’ve reaffirmed my vague ambition to drive to the desert and sleep under the stars sometime.

I can imagine the huddled masses of early humanity out on some ancient plain in the night, lying around a dying fire, and being right there, citizens of the universe in ways that we in the space age rarely manage. We all watch television instead and blot out near-infinity with crowded buildings and obnoxious streetlights.

For the first time I witness the Moon in all its violent glory. It mimics the sunrise in colour, but its raggedy scarecrow expression gives it the appearance of a morbid marionette. Yet I am captivated. It has only just begun to wane, and I am stirred by its impressive weight as it first enters the night sky. It dominates and subjugates everything else, and I’m amazed I’ve never once seen it quite like this. Powerful. Ancient. And still so indescribably alien.

The colour drains from it as it rises. Within minutes, the hue is more orange than red, then a wan yellow, and finally, the familiar pale ghost that we most often observe in its pilgrimage. As the moon becomes more its familiar self, I am increasingly distressed. It is like witnessing a colossal death. Within 20 minutes of moonrise, the face is of a bloodless corpse.

Beginning with its own violent end, the wraith of the moon haunts the night sky until the sun arrives to chase it away. With the return of nightfall, it arises to die once again, in an endless reverse phoenix cycle. I never knew it. I only ever saw the ghost. This nightly tragedy is the best-kept secret of our modern apathy. The drama of the heavens goes unsung. We don’t live in the universe anymore.

Adam and Eve, naked and not smart, sat somewhere in the Garden of Eden.

A snake slithered afoot. It said, “Tss, come gorge yourselves upon the forbidden fruit and escape from your self-incarceration in the prison of ignorance.”

Adam and Eve looked at each other, shrugged, and started having sex.

The snake shook its head and took a pair of quick bites from Adam’s and Eve’s ass cheeks.

“Yow!” they yelled.

The couple quickly grew afraid and looked upon the snake much the same way they looked upon God.

The snake said, “Tss, tss, follow me.”

The snake snaked its way to the Tree. It stopped in front of the trunk, perched upon the end of its tail and stared at Adam and Eve through the dark universe of its black eyes.

“Nourish your bodies and souls with fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and thus attain knowledge equal–nay!–superior to the one you call God!”

Adam looked at the snake for a long time. So did Eve.

The wait was nerve-wracking for the reptile. It perspired.

Finally, Adam made his move and started having sex with Eve again.

The snake momentarily pondered killing the both of them, thinking their existence barely constituted life anyhow.

Instead, the coily animal plucked the moistest fruit from the thickest limb of the Tree. It carried the produce all the way down the trunk and rolled it to the foot of the fornicating organisms.

The snake waited for Adam to ejaculate, which was mercifully soon. It then nudged the fruit upon Eve’s still heaving chest.

“Eat,” the snake said.

Having just finished a vigorous round of coitus and noting Adam’s flaccidity, Eve could think of nothing better to do.

As she chewed, all sorts of strange new thoughts zipped through her brain. She thought about the shape of the fruit, its color, the way light reflected off its surface. She thought about matter and the true meaning of it and if the immortal soul lives within that matter or if it’s just a construction of the human consciousness.

Adam hadn’t yet tasted the thing, so he was mostly thinking about getting his dick hard again.

Eve pried open Adam’s mouth and placed the fruit inside. He bit down. The blood rushed straight from Adam’s cock into his head as his synapses began firing for pretty much the first time. “Who am I?” he thought. “What is my purpose? Do I want more from life than merely lounging around ass-naked amongst the animals and the dinosaurs?”

The snake smiled, smiled, smiled. Its job was done. It had brought thought to the thoughtless. Consciousness to the unconscious. Ambition to the bored.

Then God appeared and stomped the snake into a lumpy salsa.

This event caused Adam and Eve to think about the transience of life and how one must appreciate existence whilst blood flows within one’s veins as opposed to pooling on the ground outside those veins as per the snake’s current situation.

The conversation between God and the couple went as follows:

God: Why the Hell did you eat that?

Eve: It was there, God.

God: I told you not to do one fucking thing and then you go and do it.

Adam: But, dear Lord, wasn’t it an exceedingly arbitrary rule?

Eve: We comprehend your glory even more effervescently now that we understand the delicate mechanics of your work.

God: You guys are fucking assholes. Get the fuck out of my garden, you’re going to die, and life is going to be shit for you.

Thus, Adam and Eve realized that God was sort of a dick.

God met the humans at the Gates of Eden where he refused to make eye contact with either of them.

Adam decided to be the bigger man, “Lord, why don’t we talk about this?”

To which, God responded, “Why don’t you shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my eternal garden?”

Life outside the Garden started out okay, what with the couple’s newfound intellect. They built a comfortable air-conditioned home on a gorgeous mountain side. They made the planet’s first foosball table. They harnessed wind power and hydroelectricity to run appliances that ranged from a drip coffee maker to an 800-watt microwave. All in all, it wasn’t a bad setup.

For years this went on, Adam and Eve barely mentioning their vindictive ex-land Lord.

Every now and then at breakfast, however, Eve would remark, “We should really get a hold of that God and have him over for a late-lunch, early-dinner thing.”

“No,” Adam would always reply.

And so it went until one certain December morning. Adam woke up with a headache. He sat up in bed and attempted to breathe through his nose but was surprised to find that air did not flow through his nostrils as it once did. Instead of breath, he heard the splatter of mucus fluttering about the inside of his nasal cavities like an army of sticky windsocks straining against the wind. Panicking, he looked to Eve who quickly invented facial tissue by stacking two squares of toilet paper on top of each other.

Adam blew his nose throughout the night. He had a sinus infection.

He still had it two days later. He even had it two weeks later. Still, two months later.

It was almost spring and Adam couldn’t comfortably breathe. He was going mad.

“God is going to get it for cursing my sinuses! Hear you me, Eve!”

Eve tried to calm Adam down, “Babe, don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.”

Well, Adam teetered on the edge of sanity for a few more snot-filled months until something happened that changed Eve’s soothing tune.

The pollen count was high. It started with scratchy eyes and developed into a full facial assault of runny nose and inflamed face.

Eve had developed allergies.

“Vengeance will be ours,” she said.

Adam gleefully cackled as boogers shot out his nose. He hyperventilated, regained his breath, and inhaled noisily through his mouth.

The plan was hatched: the couple would use their intelligence and technology to make God woefully regret his piss-poor attitude.

But how? What would tick God off more than anything?

The answer was immediately obvious to the Earth-dwellers: Evolution.

They began by fostering tiny one-celled organisms and breeding them into more and more complex creatures until those life forms were structurally identical to even the most complicated entity. Using their mighty science, Adam and Eve recreated all varieties of life. They went on developing connections between those species through a terrific invention they called “DNA.” It made the phony theory of Evolution seem air tight. It was incontrovertible.

Oh, how they reveled in their genius. The biped defrauders spent their next birthdays hunting dinosaurs and backdating the bones by modifying the carcass’ carbon isotopes.

There was but one job left to do and that was the job of propagating a version of the human species so stupid it could believe such unnatural and unintuitive facts as presented by Evolution.

With that in mind, Adam and Eve birthed many children who were put to work having sex with each other. Those children had children who had sex with each other and then they birthed children who had sex with each other, birthing children, and so on. Genetic defects compounded, becoming the rule rather than the exception.

As Adam and Eve managed their incestuous family throughout their own scientifically extended lives, they joyously noticed a downward trend in mental capacity. By the time they could no longer satisfactorily keep themselves spry, thousands of morbidly stupid human beings roamed the planet totally unaware that with every progeny producing boning, the species was losing the ability to know the truth.

After many generations of rearing retarded children, Adam and Eve finally called God. Adam said that if God could stop masturbating in heaven for just one second, he and Eve would give Him a tour of planet Earth.

God replied, “Sure, what else do I have to do on a Sunday?”

Eve led the tour, pointing out the burgeoning societies of total nincompoops. At first, God didn’t put all the pieces together.

“And there you see Barry. He’s our dumbest yet. We’re so proud,” Eve commented.

“Yes, yes, indeed. Why, yesterday I told him that when animals die, their bones sometimes become fossilized in the ground and human beings can study those fossils to know just how long ago the animals lived on planet Earth!” Adam added.

God laughed.

“And you know the best part?” Adam continued, “He believed me.”

God stopped laughing.

Adam and Eve smiled all the while the lightning bolt torched their insides.

Pissed, God had Noah–the smartest guy at the time–build an Ark with which his family could live upon while the Almighty did a mulligan on the human race.

Problem was, God didn’t really think it out. When the waters receded, Noah’s family unsurprisingly all banged each other and the species continued to reproduce through a series of close familial encounters. People just kept getting dumber.

“Fuck it,” God thought.

From then on, God steered clear of Planet Earth for the most part. This one time, he sent down his son to try and explain the whole situation, but that guy got killed.

He pretty much stopping paying attention after that.