The Scientific Quarterly

HOW I GOT OUT OF WRITING AN ESSAY ON H.G. WELL’S THE TIME MACHINE.

By Justin Kahn

(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!)

January 17, 2005
I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel?
Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay.
At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time machine.
They mocked me, but they will see.

January 18, 2005
9:20 A.M. Building a time machine is harder than I thought. There are all kinds of technical challenges I didn’t anticipate. Frustrated, I decide to make a mix tape with songs like Cher’s If I could Turn Back Time.
Noon. Finished my time machine. The book report is due in a couple of weeks, so I need to get down to business.

January 19, 2005
Watched Groundhog Day. What a great movie.

January 20, 2005
After lunch I get in my time machine and press the lever forward. I don’t know what to expect and am somewhat surprised by the sound emitted which is that of a very large blender. Stranger yet is the smell emitted by my contraption—which is that of cinnamon vanilla.

August 14, 1996
I have successfully transgressed the boundaries of time. I have moved backward in time.
I create an internet company called eToys. If I am rich, I don’t need to stay in school.

February 12, 1997
I’m rich. I have no need to go to school. Returning to the present with no worries about stupid papers on stupid books.

January 20, 2005
I return to the present. My company has flopped. I’m in debt. Must figure out a way to finish book report. Less than a month until it is due!

March 08, 1920
I go to Harvard, to see Professor Santayana, guru of arts and culture and stuff. I tell him my situation, the whole thing.
I ask him if he’ll help me.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

January 20, 2005
I believe Santayana was trying to give me a suggestion about the significance of Wells. I come up with a couple of ideas. After a good night’s rest I’ll return to Professor Santayana and see what he says.

March 08, 1920
I take my ideas to Santayana.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
I can see where this is going. I make my way back to the future.

December 16, 2004
Today is the day I signed up for the humanities course.
I try to intercept my past self from taking the humanities course. The lines for registration are painfully long. Unwilling to wait, I decide to not bother.

July 13, 1880
I meet H.G. Wells and try to persuade him he shouldn’t be a writer. H.G. claims he isn’t that interested in writing.
He asks me where I am from and why I am dressed the way I am.
I tell him that I have come from the future.
H.G.: “The future? Say, that is an interesting idea. Someone who can move through time. Speaking of writing,that would make for an interesting book. Don’t you think?”

I return to the present, depressed.

January 21, 2005
I realize I’m doing this all wrong. I should go to the future. Get the book report, I have already written, and than take it back to the past! The present! You know before the due date.

October 26, 2056
Overshot by a bit much.
I am so sick of my mix tape. I was sick of it the first time. But after fifty years? You can understand, if I am a bit on edge.
I assumed that the future would be infinitely more complex. Really is much simpler and I suppose it makes just as much sense to imagine that human society would work to make everything simpler rather than more complex.
The fundamental unit of currency is the ‘Ice Cube.’ I load my pockets with these, as proof of my adventure when I return to 2005, but also because I find them very helpful in cooling off room temperature drinks.

February 28, 2005
I meet my future self, who has already had his book report returned to him. He got a C-, the slacker. That’s good enough for me, though. So, I take my future self’s essay and run.

February 18, 2005
I submit my paper on The Time Machine.

February 28, 2005
My paper is returned to me with a C-. I feel like this doesn’t reflect the amount of effort I have put in. I tell the teacher so.
On the way out of my professor’s office, a young man (handsome, introspective and yet obviously ambitious) steals my book report. It doesn’t really matter since I’ve already received my grade. But it was still a painful reminder of how tough you have to be in this world.

October 3, 802, 701
I call a meeting. I persuade the Eloi and Morlock to live peaceably together. I warn them not to go back to their old ways.
I look at them and say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

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Justin Kahn puts stuff on his blog, conceptofirony.blogspot.com

DEATH FROM ABOVE: THE TORINO SCALE AND YOU

By Mike Richardson-Bryan

(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!)

Are you doomed? There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to consult a colour-coded chart. Take, for example, the Torino Scale, which astronomers use to express the likelihood of an asteroid hitting the Earth. Asteroid impacts are believed to be responsible for several mass extinctions – just ask the dinosaurs (oh wait, you can’t) – and it’s only a matter of time until another killer rock gets lucky. So check the Torino Scale regularly and act accordingly.

Threat Level: Green
No likelihood of collision with Earth.

Threat Level: Yellow
Collision with Earth is possible, but unlikely.

There’s really no cause for concern at this point. The designation of an asteroid as a Yellow Threat will result in several CGI-filled specials on the Discovery Channel, sequels to lame killer asteroid movies like Armageddon and Deep Impact, and heavy airplay of R.E.M.’s It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine), but that’s about it. Attention will shift away as soon as some washed-up celebrity drops dead.

Threat Level: Orange
Collision with Earth is likely, but uncertain.

Now things are getting interesting. The designation of an asteroid as an Orange Threat will cause widespread panic. Frightened mobs will attack astronomers in the streets and burn observatories to the ground. When that doesn’t work, they’ll arm themselves and fire wildly into the sky, killing scores of innocent hot air balloonists. Whether the asteroid hits us or not, the world will lose much of its joie de vivre.

Threat Level: Red
Collision with Earth is certain. Destruction is likely to be local. Loss of life: 0-100,000.

The effects will vary, but at their worst, they’ll resemble the effects of a large nuclear explosion. On land, impact will flatten several square kilometres. At sea, impact will cause a minor tsunami.

Once the impact point is identified, there’ll be a mad scramble as people flee. In the United States, FEMA will try to coordinate an orderly evacuation, but will accidentally bus thousands of innocent black people into the danger zone rather than out of it, then fine them for entering a restricted area. The price of gas along the evacuation route will shoot up to $30 per litre and stay there.

Afterwards, emergency response will be able to assist survivors.

Threat Level: Double Red
Collision with Earth is certain. Destruction is likely to be widespread. Loss of life: 100,000-100,000,000.

The effects will be catastrophic. On land, impact will flatten several hundred square kilometres and send enough dust into the atmosphere to affect global weather patterns for years to come. At sea, impact will cause a major tsunami.

Local governments, unable to cope, will collapse. Fundamentalist Christians, raised on a steady diet of Left Behind books and direct-to-DVD movies, will arm themselves and take to the streets, determined to cleanse the world of unbelievers. In all likelihood, canned goods will replace paper money as the only acceptable currency.

Afterwards, emergency response will be overwhelmed, and many survivors will have to wait for a large, Live Aid-like charity event for meaningful assistance.

Threat Level: Triple Red
Collision with Earth is certain. Destruction is likely to threaten the future of civilization. Loss of life: 100,000,000+.

The effects will be apocalyptic, like something out of a submission to Asimov’s Science Fiction written by an angry, lovelorn video store clerk who goes to Star Trek conventions dressed as a Borg. On land, impact will flatten several thousand square kilometres and send enough dust into the atmosphere to affect global weather patterns for generations to come. At sea, impact will cause a tsunami of unprecedented proportions. In either case, large areas will be unrecognizable afterwards.

National governments, unable to cope, will collapse. People will be left without food, medicine, or fuel, and will quickly be reduced to bare survival. Many will resort to cannibalism, and those who don’t will be too weak to resist those who do. Places where cannibalism is already widely-practiced – New Guinea, parts of Africa, and the Netherlands, to name a few – will fare best. Big hair and shoulder pads will make an unexpected comeback.

Emergency response will be incapacitated for the foreseeable future.

Threat Level: Brown
A critical hit. Destruction is likely to be total. Anyone who survives the initial impact will die soon thereafter.

Scenarios vary, but leading scientists believe that the most likely outcome of such an impact is a bank shot that knocks the Earth into the moon, which cracks open and releases millions of blood-sucking space bats that envelop the Earth and feed on the living and the dead alike, until the Earth careens into the sun, catches fire, and finally explodes.

In all likelihood, the last trace of our species will be radio waves, disappearing into the vastness of deep space, carrying humanity’s final message to the universe in Michael Stipe’s irritating nasal drone: “…and I feel fi-i-i-i-ine…”.

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Mike Richardson-Bryan used to be a lawyer, but he`s all better now. No, really. His work has appeared on McSweeney`s Internet Tendency, Yankee Pot Roast, Opium, The Big Jewel, and Cracked.com. He lives in Ottawa with one wife and two dogs.

DALE PECK REVIEWS EINSTEIN’S LATEST

By Benjamin Cohen

(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!)

Pedestrian crap. Albert Einstein’s “General Theory of Relativity” (Annalen der Physik, Leipzig: Verlan Von Johann Ambrosius Barth, 1916) is crap. It’s oblique, it’s opaque, it’s bloated with transparent effort. Salted, sanctimonious effort. I literally fidget turning the pages. Einstein is the worst physicist of his generation.

Yet it goes deeper. He also grovels to the reader–God, it’s hackneyed–trying to ingratiate himself with “quaint” turns of the phrase, “curved” regurgitations on space-time. It’s more pandering than this Serbian nationalism fad. A decade ago, he shoved that tortured Special Relativity onto us. And it was stupid, just plain stupid. Complication masking inanity, it offered us scribblings of a too-contented Newtonian iconoclast. Slather. At the time, the work was rightly panned–I panned it, because it sucked–as groaning work by a hack knowing just enough to strike the conventions but not enough to know what those conventions meant. It slandered Brownian movement with cheap, fulsome mediocrity. But it was a bore. We get more of the same kitsch in this round, and I can’t get over this: in his entire career Einstein hasn’t produced a single memorable or even recognizably human character or theory.

In bald terms, this is the bathetic drivel of tensile calculus. As such, it’s written out of any context relevant to the readers’ world. There is nothing on autogiros, not a word. It’s “1915″ (to use Ford’s phrase) yet somehow still of last century. Einstein cultivates the public image of a master–the first and most obsequious sign of insincerity–speaking to trumped up “modernity.” Joyce is weeping over the same drippy sentiment as I write, so the novelty is a farce.

But what is Einstein even after? There are the overtures to space-time continuums, yes. There is this tripe on geodesics. But who needs another ex-patent clerk to explain geodesics as the shortest distance between two points? Are we, can we still be, with the Greeks here? Einstein says oh but in curved space it isn’t a straight line. And of that? So. Freaking. What. I resent the work and I resent readers for wanting it to be written. It’s as much your fault as his.

Let’s talk about the covariant field equations that give us the observed perihelion motion of the planet Mercury. The diarrheic flow of words spewing this prediction is mawkish and derivative, straight from Lorentz. But to dignify it even as a Lorentzian derivative would be too kind; it’s plagiarism, but without the soul. And, all the worse, we hear that Lorentz doesn’t even follow him.

Einstein is just wrong, grammatically, stylistically, and, most importantly, Euclidean-ly. It just doesn’t make sense. And surprise surprise, the central conceit, acceleration, is the central flaw. The rate of change of velocity, acceleration has something to do with it, he assures the readers. But what exactly? Nobody knows. I mean, good Lord Kelvin people, who is publishing this gratuitous crap? For fuck’s sake whatever happened to Planck? A writer who knew how to wield a constant, who could lace an empathetic undercurrent in his equivalence principle. My Roget’s is tattered, thumbed over so completely all I can say is crap crap crap. It’s crap.

Forster can predict light bending in half the words. And Edison would record it. And he wouldn’t emote. And neither of them would drip Maxwell’s electromagnetism onto their page.

Upward mobility out of patent offices and into the front ranks of literati is not uncommon, especially in Berne these days, but Einstein’s move comes too little, too late. A moment has passed him by. Einstein marks the dread of contemporary publishing. He is that dread. I dread him. I dread physics for it. I dread space and time. I dread the U-boaters who get stuck with the off-prints. Mushy, effusive, it’s textbook bathos. Are we stuck with this as contemporary thought?

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Benjamin Cohen is an assistant professor of Science, Technology, and Society at the University of Virginia. He also co-authors The World's Fair and contributes to McSweeneys.net.

UNFORTUNATE CHAIN OF EVENTS LEADING UP TO PLUTO’S LOSS OF PLANETHOOD

By Eric Feezell

(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!)

Pluto loses car keys

Pluto steps in dog crap

Pluto’s July horoscope warns of “personal challenges ahead”

Pluto’s rent check bounces

Pluto’s Mustang suffers blown head gasket

Pluto constantly late to work

Pluto’s girlfriend of three years leaves Pluto

Pluto charged with solicitation of a prostitute

Pluto becomes increasingly depressed

Pluto seeks answers in a bottle of Wild Turkey

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Eric Feezell`s humor writing has appeared at/in a variety of web and print publications. If you must see more of it, go here: www.ericfeezell.com

MY MASSIVE ROBOTIC NASA ARM

By Gene Morgan

(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!)


1

Went to the mall today. Bought some boxer briefs and an Icee. Stopped into the arcade and lost to some punk kid at Street Fighter II. It’s hard for me to push the buttons at the right time. Shuttle Remote Manipulator Prostheses (SRMP) destroyed Street Fighter machine.

2

Saw a friend’s band play, alone. I wish someone else would have come with me. People don’t always want to talk to the guy with nine hundred pounds of space steel strapped to his body.

Broke the arm of the lead singer when I gave him a high-five.

3

Laid around with my dog and read while it was raining. Flipped through an H.P. Lovecraft collection. He really isn’t so scary, but his characters have a certain lovable horror that makes them endearing. I like that.

Crushed dog with SRMP.

4

Jenny’s pool party was almost fun. Massive robotic prostheses scare most women and children. Accidentally pulled power lines into pool. Three dead.

5

Dropped my coffee mug at the coffee shop. Spilt coffee on SRMP, and short circuited it, starting a small twenty-four hour rampage. Destroyed a city block and beat up old ladies. Also, I set the local orphanage on fire.

6

Finally passed out at the bar watching VH1 around three in the afternoon. Woke-up with half of a burrito lodged between my robotic tendons, and a face full of dry beer. People were around. It was dark outside.

I reached over and put a quarter in the jukebox, forty-five feet away.

(Note that a semblance of this piece was first concieved by Gene over at Utterwonder)

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Gene Morgan works, writes and lives in Houston, Texas. Home of Beyoncé.

A WHITE BLOOD CELL NAMED BOBBY DUVAL…

By Students from the 2009 Science Creative Literacy Symposia Camp

This collective story beginning was written during a weeklong science and creative writing camp at the University of British Columbia. For more of the students’ work, please click here. To read their endings do click here and scroll down a bit.

- – -

Once there was a white blood cell, a special white blood cell, who was special because he was a giant white blood cell. And because he was so big, he could eat pickles, he played midfield for Manchester United, and he loved to help people. His name was Baldie Duval.

He lived in a forest in Quebec City, but he always wanted to live in Dave’s body. That was because he can shrink and fly so that he can help people who were sick.

He lived in a forest, because it was a good place to hide. He was scared that because he was so big, Dave would run away if he ever saw him. The reason why he would be so big (and not shrink) is because the Sasquatch keeps giving him pickles which made him not able to shrink.

One day Dave came to the forest because he was camping, and because he had read somewhere that players from Manchester United played there.

When he entered the forest…

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Held from July 13th to July 17th, 2009, at the Michael Smith Laboratories, University of British Columbia.

2/4 OF ONE, 1/2 OF THE OTHER

By Alexsis Johnson

“Do you believe that black students are less intelligent than white students because their parents do not care about them? Raise your hand if you believe this.”

I was able to hold back the tears when my fourth grade teacher asked this question. My best friend and first real crush raised his hand with rest of my class and shot me an apologetic glance. During my fourth grade year, the No Child Left Behind act was passed, resulting in a survey of students in my Illinois elementary school to locate and highlight common stereotypes about black people. Stereotypes were read aloud and I watched as my classmates raised their hands again and again to show their belief in the statements. I was the only brown student in my entire class and for a whole week I watched as my classmates revealed the stereotypes they had of black people and all of the conditions that came with the label. I disappeared behind a category. During our discussions I wasn’t seen as a kickball captain, doodle queen, or avid reader, I was the black girl.

At the end of the week I came home with a note for my mother, stating that it was imperative for me to choose a race. Even now, almost a decade later, the fury my mother felt on that day would be obvious over a bad connection on the telephone.

“I felt like it was unfair for the school system to claim you as black because you have the influence of so many other people in your life.” She let my brother and I choose our own identities, but saw no right answer. If I checked white, I would miss out many college scholarships and ignore the undeniable hue of my skin. If I checked black, I would be abandoning half of who I was and the struggle of my black ancestors for equal representation. My mother was determined to ensure that the school board would make the reforms necessary to provide an equal education to all children; she made it clear to my brother and me that the goal would not be accomplished through choosing sides.

Despite my mother’s indecision, I chose black. All that is left of my weeks of deliberation is a letter in my file at Unit 4 school district headquarters voicing my mother’s despair at how emotionally torn I was after the entire race choosing ordeal.

I understand now that the motivation for the humiliating classroom survey was to collect data for research of ways to lessen the racial performance gap in schools. As honorable as that motivation was, the survey had a major misapprehension; despite any number of children polled, the data would be inaccurate. The traditional definitions and ideas we have of race in the United States completely disregard the racial barriers that have been crossed since the day they were instated. Race mixing has happened forever and on every continent. The racial categories that society upholds today exclude millions of people with mixed heritage and the mixed privileges that come with them. Forcing people to describe themselves as one race, to align themselves with millions of people with whom they might only share a skin tone interferes with the recognition of the individual.

It can be argued that the unique experiences that come with skin color are what form the strong bonds between members of the same race. To that, I answer that I have not bonded with anyone over the topic of race more than I have with my white mother, whose pale skin has always and will always contrast the golden brown of my own. She has cried with me in moments of injustice, pain, and frustration. She does not have to be black to understand me, that bond that seems to be one of association is actually one of compassion that a person of any color is capable of.

The mandate to assimilate oneself into one of four optional race groups extends to all Americans, even to our current president. As a nine year old I was forced to understand that, yes, I am half white but that’s not the first thing you see. It won’t stop people from using racial slurs or withholding job opportunities. There is not a single checked box that will alleviate my mandated presence in the race battle, no label that will reconcile my inheritance of my mother’s face with my father’s complexion. I am forced to choose every day just as Barack Obama was pressured to give an unprecedented speech about his race and choose a side during the presidential election of 2008. Yes, the election of a biracial man shows some continued success of the civil rights movement in the United States, but is that bit of success worth perpetuating the application of labels and thus perpetuating the divide in our population?

I understand the value of using racial statistics to monitor the progress being made toward an equal opportunity society. Race is so deeply entrenched in our history as a nation, that it would be virtually impossible to immediately stop using racial labels. However, the decision to move toward is one that can be made on a personal level; each person can make a conscious effort. In order to eradicate racism and move toward a less constant focus on race, we need to consciously decide to begin eliminating racial labels as forms of categorization from our vocabularies. There are ways to describe and represent people without referring to their skin color – a genetic aspect that says nothing about their potential as a living human being.

Barack Obama was raised by a white family and therefore indirectly benefited from white privilege. His mother was never denied a job because she was black, never denied a fair education or countless other luxurious yet deserved rights because of her skin color. At age 10, Barack Obama moved to live with his white grandparents in Hawaii. With their financial support he went to Punahou School, one of the best private preparatory schools in Hawaii, and then continued on to attended Columbia and Harvard. With 24.5 percent of the black population below the poverty line in 2008, Barack Obama’s opportunities for privileged schooling were far from those afforded to the average Black American.

Barack Obama is a unique individual; it is ridiculous to group him with millions of people that may not share anything other than skin color in common. In fact, people share more similarities when placed together by blood type than by race. None of Barack Obama’s accomplishments can be credited solely to his skin color; so why then does the world focus on his race so much? It is absurd that the world would expect him to explain his genetic make-up, a choice his parents made some nine months before he was born. During the race for the presidential nomination and throughout the entirety of the presidential race, Barack Obama was forced by the masses to choose a color, to choose a parent.

On November 4, crowds of people gathered on Yale University’s Old Campus and shouted a roaring, boundless cheer. Barack Obama had won the presidency and the atmosphere was one of euphoria. The majority of his supporters were white students. Is Barack Obama not white like them? Can he not be mixed like me? Is he only black like my father? The problem with labeling Barack Obama at all –or any other person for that matter –is that you not only exclude people that might otherwise have a lot in common with him, but that individual also loses some of their own history in the process. Even if the world cannot relinquish the need to categorize using ethnicity, we must recognize that racial groups are outdated and in no way representative of the people they include.

Sheer biology can only offer scientific information about an individual; it provides no real detail about salary, life experience or personality. My choosing black in elementary school provided the school board with no more information than if I would have chosen white. Neither category alone would provide a complete explanation for why I am who I am because biologically and culturally I belong in both. Furthermore, there is no clear definition of race. Debates go on daily about the definition of “Black.” Should African people be included with African-Americans? And how many halves, quarters, or sixteenths qualify a person for each ethnic label?

We are not two groups of people. We never have been. As Barack Obama himself said, “There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America; there’s the United States of America.” Race is a continuum of peaches, caramels, mahoganies, and chocolates. There is no real separation; each skin tone in connected to the next by a hue that is the compromise of the two. There are no physical lines drawn; we are divided only by social barriers that we choose to uphold.

There are similar experiences that connect many people of the same skin color. These experiences, however, rise from socioeconomic influences, not directly from one’s skin color, and certainly are not the experiences of every single person that shares African ancestry. For hundreds of years we have been squeezing ourselves into a middle school four square game. Whites, Hispanics, Asians, and Blacks. The lines of each square have become impermeable; have to choose a square to play the game. Pass the ball and follow the rules to be included.

One might argue that a measure of race is necessary to monitor and prevent discrimination. With that I agree. Minorities in the United States have had fewer opportunities for higher education, well-paying jobs, and the inheritance of financial prosperity and deserve the consideration of these deprivations when being compared to more privileged competitors. When race overshadows individual ability, this attempt at an equality of opportunity fails. Race should be recognized as it connects a person to a larger social history that inevitably affects who that person is – however, everyone deserves to be seen as a person rather than a color. We won’t stop fighting the war while we are forced to choose sides. Let Barack Obama be president. Don’t limit him to being black, white, biracial, or mixed. Don’t focus on what we can or can’t see in him. Focus on what we see him do. Without assigning him a racial label we can all see a little bit of ourselves in Barack Obama. He can inspire all Americans regardless of their skin color.

I recognize all of the benefits of one’s being aware of one’s racial background. With race come many elements of culture and tradition. Those benefits, however, can be enjoyed without the presence of a racial magnifying glass. I love the color of my skin, my possession of my mother’s voice and my father’s smile. I am happy to say that my identity cannot possibly fit in one box. We are in an age of new ideas: ever smaller cellular telephones, pocket sized computers and instantaneous communication via numerous electronic devices. We seem to be on the brink of cleaner fuel, hovering cars, and medical miracles. If we as the human race can accomplish all of that, we can surely free ourselves from the old fashioned labels that force us to give up a bit of who we are.

REFERENCES

U.S. Census Press Release for 2008

Richard Bribiescas, Professor of Biological Anthropology at Yale University

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Alexsis Johnson is a double major in English and Spanish and Yale University. She desperately wants poor eyesight and in turn, glasses, however, she would settle for a monocle. She adores the ocean, but alas, was boring in Champaign, Illinois. Asi es la vida.

A SOCIAL IMPOSSIBILITY THEOREM

By Haynes Goddard

For centuries, generations of philosophers and social scientists have studied the sources of income inequality in human society. Finally, a major breakthrough in the form of a mathematical proof of a fundamental truth, long suspected by millions of laboring individuals, and now shown rigorously.

Theorem: It is impossible for engineers, scientists and the professoriate to earn as much money as business executives.

Proof:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

powerequation

Since philosophers and economists have amply demonstrated that Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have via substitution,

eq2

Solving for Money, one obtains:

eq3

and taking limits,

eq4

Result: The less you know, the more you make.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum

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Haynes Goddard is an environmental economist and Professor of Economics at the University of Cincinnati who finds humor in most of life's dimensions. This little theorem has been around for some time, but cried out for more intellectual respectability, i.e., a more formal title and mathematical form.

10 QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR SCIENCE

By Ralph Gamelli

1. In the not-too-distant future, a tree will fall in the forest. Is there any chance it will have been knocked over by some kind of rampaging robot?

2. When the world’s armies are finally equipped with laser rifles, how difficult will it be for a civilian to get his hands on one, and do you think it would totally blow up a squirrel or just burn a hole in it?

3. Hypothetical situation: a gigantic black hole is about to swallow the Earth. All human life is doomed. Question: would you happen to know any women who don’t want to spend their last few hours alone? If so, could you give them my number and tell them a gigantic black hole is on its way?

4. Let’s say a 150 lb. man and a 2,000 lb. futuristic battle robot are both dropped from a tall building at the same moment. Would they strike the ground simultaneously, or would the robot totally vaporize the man with a destructo beam before they even get halfway down?

5. If I were to take a newborn baby to a remote cabin furnished only with 19th Century technology, and if I were to keep him completely ignorant of the actual day and age, and if, on his 18th birthday, I suddenly revealed it was in fact the 21st Century and told him about all the modern wonders he’s missed out on — including radio, TV, computers, iPods, and smallpox vaccinations — would that be considered a scientific experiment or just extreme cruelty? Either way, wouldn’t you love to see the look on his face?

6. Have you come up with a logical explanation for spontaneous combustion yet, or a way to cause it in people I don’t like?

7. If I were to ride in a rocket ship traveling at the speed of light, and I return to Earth one year later, how many decades will have passed on Earth during that time? Enough that they’ll have invented sex robots? Or should I get back in the rocket for another few weeks or so?

8. I’ve heard that time travel will probably never actually be possible, so it seems the only way to achieve such a feat would be that experiment with the newborn baby, who in effect will be traveling 200 years into the future. Do you have a remote cabin I could rent?

9. Hypothetical situation: a team of scientists is experimenting with alpha rays, or whatever. Some guy accidentally breaks into the lab and gets hit with the rays, turning him invisible to the naked eye and allowing him to partake in all sorts of mischief. Question: would the guy eventually turn into a half-insane monster who can’t relate to regular people anymore and find himself chased by the authorities, or would he retain his humanity and maybe everyone should just get off his back and let him have a little fun? I say the second one, and would like to know where I can send a donation for the advancement of research into alpha rays, or whatever.

10. Planck’s Constant — anything to do with robots?

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Ralph Gamelli attempts to write stuff that, under certain conditions, in just the right light, with a good song playing in the background, might possibly be considered somewhat funny.