(There are more science Christmas plays by
Vince LiCata here, here and here).

Cast:
Generic Faculty Member
Pinch
Narrator
The Dean
The Chair
Cindy Lou Who
Darth Vader
Santa

- – -
NARRATOR: Every Who
Down in U-ville
Liked their research a lot…

FACULTY: (pipeting): I sure like research a lot.
I love running gels,
I get bored when I’m not.

NARRATOR: But the Pinch
Who lived just North of U-ville
Most certainly, did not.

FACULTY: Now, who wouldn’t love labwork?
I’m sure I don’t know.
They’d have to be a real jerk,
Or perhaps a bit slow.

He sings:

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome Research
Come this way

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome data
Every day

NARRATOR: The Pinch hated Research, the whole Academic season
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could have been the investment firms
Or maybe the banks
Perhaps the subprime loan terms
That made fools of Goldman Sachs,
But whatever the reason, or perhaps due to them all,
The result was his budget was two sizes too small.

PINCH: They’ll all do their assays,

NARRATOR: he snarled with a sneer.

PINCH: And tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!

NARRATOR: Then he growled, with his Pinch fingers nervously drumming,

PINCH: I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming
For tomorrow I know all the U girls and boys
Will wake bright and early, and play with their toys.
In centrifuge rotors, all their samples they’ll spin
As they crack open cells, when their preps they begin.
And then all those Ya-Whos will sit down to a feast.

NARRATOR: Which is something the Pinch couldn’t stand in the least!
And then they’ll do something he liked least of them all,

PINCH: Every Who down in U-ville, the tall and the small
Will stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing
They’ll stand hand in hand, and they all will start singing!

NARRATOR: And the more the Pinch thought of the Who U-ville sing
The more Pinch thought:

PINCH: I must stop this whole thing!

FACULTY: (Shudders) Ooh, I felt a stiff breeze there, a nasty cold jab.
I hope this awful economy is just a brief fad,
and won’t effect my ability to work in the lab.

PINCH: All I need is a reindeer, to ride into town,
But up on this mountain, they’re hard to be found,
So the Dean and the Chair will well serve my needs
I’ll ride them to lab, to enact my foul deeds
For their budget is shrinking, so they’re sobbing and drinking,
now their yokes I’ll be linking, they’ll serve me without thinking.

Music plays (Adagio in G) as the Chair and the Dean enter, and the Pinch puts their yokes on, and he rides them around.

FACULTY: (Yawns) Well, I’m feeling a bit sleepy, but I don’t want to stop
I’ll just clear off a lab bench, and sleep right on top. (Goes to sleep)

PINCH: (arriving at the lab)
Fast asleep at the bench
My dear little mench
I’d love to be here when you wake
To see all that I’ll take.

Pinch starts to fill his bag with equipment from the lab.
Music

NARRATOR: Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the lab he did go, and he took everything present
He took all the tubes, the pipettes, and the gels,
He cracked all the beakers, like little glass bells.

Music

PINCH: I’ll cut all the tech staff, I’ll tell them to go,
And on every repair list, I’ll simply scrawl “No”

NARRATOR: And the Pinch grabbed all the overhead accounts and started to squeeze
When he heard a small sound, like a Swine Flu induced sneeze
He turned around fast, and saw a small Who
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

CINDY LOU: Excuse me. What are you doing?

PINCH: Um, I’m just rearranging some accounts. It’s okay, please don’t cry.

CINDY LOU: But, but you’re taking all our Overhead Funds. Please tell me why.

PINCH: The budget is ailing, to…um…fix it… I’ll try.

CINDY LOU: (to audience):
To the campus police, I should report this guy
It’s clear from his face, that what he says is a lie.
(To Pinch) But tell me again
My green little friend
Why you’re crippling our spending
And these actions defending.

(Music: Darth Vader theme)

DARTH: (enters) I felt a disturbance in the force of cash inflow to the university.

PINCH: And who might you be?

DARTH: Who am I? Have you been living in a cave?

PINCH: Actually, yes, I live up the mountain in a –

DARTH: Silence! I am the Soon-to-be Former Vice Provost for Research and Economic Development…Darth Brooks.

CINDY LOU: Garth Brooks? Oh, I love your music!

DARTH: Darth, Darth Brooks, with a “D”, not Garth Brooks. I hate it when people do that. Although, I have been taking guitar lessons lately.

PINCH: (immediately kneels before Darth): My Master, I apologize for not recognizing you sooner…please forgive me, I live in a cave.

DARTH: Rise, my young apprentice.

CINDY LOU: Hey, how come we’re not rhyming anymore?

DARTH: Rhyming is prohibited by the dark side of the force.

PINCH: My Master, I have taken all discretionary cash from the faculty, I’ve eliminated numerous positions, I was just about to initiate furloughs when your lordship arrived.

DARTH: You have done well my green skinned friend.

PINCH: (showing him the bag of equipment he has taken)
And look at all the expendable supplies I’ve acquired, including items not purchasable on grant accounts, such as this printer cartridge (he takes out a printer cartridge).

DARTH: You are truly a friend of the empire. You remind me of myself when I first switched to the dark side. I’d like to sing you a little song the Emperor used to sing all the time. I never knew why, and now I do. (He takes out a guitar, and sings)

You’re a mean one, Mr. Pinch
You really are a heel
You’re as cuddly as a cactus
You’re as charming as an eel, Mr. Pinch
You’re a bad administrator with a greasy black heel.

You’re a monster, Mr. Pinch
Your heart’s an empty hole
Your office is a quagmire
You have garlic in your soul, Mr. Pinch
I wouldn’t touch you with a 39-ply latex glove!

You’re a rotter, Mr. Pinch
You have termites in your smile
You have all the tender sweetness,
Of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Pinch
Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the seasick crocodile!

You’re a foul one, Mr. Pinch
You’re the king of budget cuts
You’re heart’s a dead tomato
And there’s mold all through your guts, Mr. Pinch
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote,
“Admin – Is – Traitor”

PINCH: (putting his hand on Darth’s shoulder) Darth, the Emperor knew this day would come. I am your father!

DARTH: Yes! Excellent! I see that my budget cuts will be in good hands when I leave this U-ville.

PINCH: What? You are leaving, my liege? But we’ve finally been reunited, just in time for the holidays.

DARTH: I must leave to pursue the rebel enemy at the South Florida University for Young Jedi Who Have Not Yet Converted to the Dark Side.

CINDY LOU: Florida in winter, how convenient for you.

DARTH: The dark side may be evil, but it’s not stupid.

CINDY LOU: Will you take our football coach with you?

DARTH: The force is weak with that one. You must keep him. Farewell, my father! (he exits).

PINCH: Farewell, my son! Now onward my reindeers
Let’s retreat and then watch these fools
Wake to their nightmares.

(They back up a bit to watch Cindy Lou and Faculty)

CINDY LOU: (to the still sleeping faculty member) Look, he’s still piled in a heap,
(poking him) Time to wake from your sleep.

FACULTY: (waking up) Oh what a great day!
Now I’m ready to play!
(looking around)
But where’s all our stuff?
This makes research quite tough!

CINDY LOU: It seems our budget’s been hacked,
And our lab’s been attacked.

FACULTY: Without our equipment, without our supplies
Any work we could do would be a surprise
So my question to you, Little Cindy Lou Who
Is What do we do? Oh, yes, what do we do?

CINDY LOU: Well we’ve still got lots to do
You could write that review
And I have that computation
That on my desk, has been waitin’.

FACULTY: Yes, it’s clear, we’ll make do
Till new money comes through.

They sing:
Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome Research
Come this way

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome data
Every day

PINCH: I don’t understand it, it doesn’t make sense
I stripped every item of worth from their bench
They work without beakers
They work without tubes
They make me and my son Darth
Look like ignorant rubes.

NARRATOR: So he puzzled and pondered
and he scratched his green head
he just sat there and wondered,
and then suddenly, he said:

PINCH: Maybe research is something that comes from the heart
Maybe science is something with which they can’t part
And it isn’t the money that makes them do work
It’s the love of their knowledge, oh gosh, I’m a jerk.

NARRATOR: So he rode back to lab, and he opened his bag
And each item returned, still marked with its university tag.

PINCH: I’ll help juggle some budgets, I’ll move things around
We’ll get through this crisis, this ship won’t go aground.

SANTA: (entering) Ho, ho, ho! Santa Delivery Service.

CINDY LOU: Can we help you?

SANTA: Yeah, I got a Stimulus Package here. Could you sign for it?

CINDY LOU and FACULTY: Hooray!! Just in time!

PINCH: Oh please, let me sign!

NARRATOR: And what happened then?
Well down in U-ville they say
That the Pinch’s budget management
Improved three fold on that day!
And the minute his budget didn’t feel quite so tight
He whizzed though the lab in the bright morning light
And he brought back the beakers, and he took back the pink slips,
And he…he himself, the Pinch, helped wash the used pipette tips.

All sing:

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome Research
Come this way

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome data
Every day

Welcome, Welcome
Fah who rah-moose
Welcome, Welcome
Dah who dah-moose
Good results are in our grasp
So long as we have tubes to clasp

Ooo, oo, oo, oo
oo, oo, oo, oo
oo, oo, oo, oo
oo, oo, oo, oo

Welcome Christmas
Fah who rah-moose
Dah who dah-moose
Welcome Christmas
While we stand
heart to heart
and hand in hand

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome, welcome
Christmas Day!

THE END
- – -

(With thanks and apologies to Theodor Seuss Geisel)

Other kids may be convinced that Santa Claus uses some kind of Christmas magic to get the job done. Not my offspring.

They have told me that obviously, Santa is putting his trust in science. (And also technology. But the holidays are no time for ugly spats about disciplinary boundaries.)

From the younger offspring:

Santa needed to do research, of course, to work out the details of flying reindeer. Apparently, much of this was online research. (Also, it looks like Santa uses a MacBook.)

From the elder offspring, two items science relies on:

The elastic in that bag must be especially stretchy.

I’m a little leery of those helium pills. If they contain solid (or even liquid) helium, then they would expand quite a lot in the reindeer’s stomach. I doubt that would be comfortable.

Apparently, Santa’s other gadgets are proprietary.

(Reprinted from here.)

Well, it’s been about three weeks since I signed up for a personal account on twitter (you can follow me here if you’re interested – my handle is @dnghub), and threw out my first “tweet.”

Since then, I’ve found myself fully immersed in the web tool, and feel like I can say a few intelligent things about it, especially if you’re reading this as someone who is resisting signing on, or someone who just wants to know a little more about it.

It might help if I first start off with a bit of context.

For instance, my lab sort of already has a twitter account, listed under @sciencescout. Here is an example of type of tweets this account routinely throws out.

All in good fun, since the “jargon in capitals” usually refers to some interesting thing on the internet that has a link (often tenuous) with the word itself. Plus, it’s meant to spur on a scientific drinking game (to quote, “everytime you say the word whilst glass is hoisted, the table must drink”), although I’ve yet to hear about whether folks actually do this or not. Mind you, with almost 800 followers, I’m more than a bit hopeful.

Still, I wouldn’t say the @sciencescout account is “useful.” Good for a chuckle maybe, and for general camaraderie with the Science Scouts, but it doesn’t set itself up well for proper networking or real viral linkage to things of note.

Which is why, I thought it was a good time to set up the personal account (I used @dnghub because there are a LOT of David Ng’s out there!) Actually, I set it up the night before heading of to the TEDxVancouver conference, thinking that if there was a crowd that would be fully embedded with this technology, it would be the crowd at TEDxVan.

Which all leads to the big question: WHAT IS TWITTER GOOD FOR EXACTLY?

Here are my thoughts, many of which I’m guessing can be found elsewhere on the net and described much more eloquently by people cleverer than me, but here goes nevertheless.

1. It is excellent for informal first query type virtual networking. Especially, if you’re hoping to network with the sort of people who are already fond of the social media tool. It’s a bit like how it’s already easier to talk to someone who happens to read your blog, or talk to someone whose blog you happen to read. Except that it takes way less effort. You can begin casual discussions like the drop of the hat, since twitter facilitates this marvelously with its tags: “@” (directed correspondence) and “#” (crowd source type discussions).

I can’t stress how incredibly useful this has been to me already. For example, I have a project getting ready to launch in late January, early February (it’s this one, finally), which necessitated some initial networking with the local and non-local graphic design community. With twitter this has been surprisingly easy. It’s like you can effortlessly initiate an informal query, and folks on the other end can check you out quickly (you can leave your website on your account for instance) to gauge whether they should reply back or not. Much easier than trying to track down email addresses, or going to gatherings in the hope of making contact.

2. It’s a brilliant ice breaker device for meeting someone in person. Twitter was very useful in this context. For instance, at the TEDxVancouver conference, I was an active tweeter (especially around the whole Patrick Moore debacle). Anyway, because there was an active feed around the hashtag #tedxvan, I inadvertently made myself incredibly accessible for discussion when discovering face to face contacts. I found this really cool – a real nice community feel to it all. Plus, your twitter handle works well as a virtual business card, which is nice for a doddering academic like me, who forgets or refuses to get business cards for himself.

3. It is great for receiving pieces of real time information relevant to you. What I mean here, is that if you pick your twitter friends carefully, you’ll get an information feed that is well suited to your needs and personality. For instance, I’m finding it’s wonderful for staying informed with interesting science news, environmental issues, the arts community in vancouver, interesting graphic design bulletins. And this is on top of just staying in touch with some interesting friends, and having the odd chuckle from that “witty” tweeter. For instance, yesterday I found out about “The Danish Text” pretty quick after it came out in the Guardian because of twitter. Sometimes, I even just take a gander at the “trending topics” column for breaking news. Even though most of it is celebrity orientated, you know it must be big when something non-celebrity is seen there.

This stream of information, of course, is best managed when you follow folks who tweet interesting things, tweet with an interest to write well, but also tweet at a somewhat sparing frequency. i.e. you’re not always receiving an onslaught of stuff from one or two profilic users. Anyway, I remember for a while thinking that I’ll just follow anyone who happened to be following me, but then quickly discovered that such a tactic made the stream of information too distracting and too much like white noise.

I should also note that when using twitter, it is really handy to use some third party software to help organize it all. There’s a number of them out there – currently, I’m using Tweetdeck, which seems to work well.

4. Making contact with individuals of significant influence. This is also kind of interesting. The community that uses twitter has an interesting cultural take on how to interact. I mentioned in the first point, that casual networking is easy, but it also seems to be orders of magnitude easier when dealing with folks you might normally never be able to get a word in at all (i.e. important people). This might be because: (a) you don’t have the contact info to initiate a conversation, (b) even if you do, they’re much too busy to give you the time of day, or (c) in the real world, you’d be corresponding with the “office” and we all know how much fun that can be.

I’m not sure why, but things just seem very friendly in twitter land. I’m guessing this has a lot to do with how easy it is to use and fire off snippets of communication.

Twitter correspondence, for example and just to show that my point is valid, has resulted in a special Science Scout badge – just for Ms. Atwood.

5. You’re kind of also doing it to attract readers, and therefore have some influence over what content they might want to look at. This is where there’s a bit of that vanity thing going on here. Much like a website or a blog, twitter probably represents the easiest way to develop a readership. Plus, the stats or your “online clout” are easily noted because your number of followers can be clearly found. And people do follow a variety of different types of twitter writers. Some write purely from a biographical angle (“I’m pouring my coffee right now”) although this is not the most interesting thing read, nor the most effective way to build a readership. I think a way around this is to put a bit of effort into it and write with a bit of humour. Here is an example of the sort of thing I’ve been writing if it has to do with my day to day activities:

Alternatively, the “venting” tweet is pretty interesting to read.

More important, I suppose, is to also try to highlight things of interest to you. Since I’m all about the science and art angle, with a healthy does of environmental concern, if anything intriguing comes my way, I can quickly “RT” or retweet it. Here, I resist always showcasing the stuff coming out of my lab (was doing that initially with the @sciencescout account, but not anymore), because then it all gets a little promotional for my (and presumably) others’ tastes.

Of course, at the end of the day, I’m guessing the best way to build a readership is to think really carefully about who (not your friend or relative or a celebrity) you would follow. Then with that analysis in mind, sit back and consider offering a similar yet personal take on how you would use your twitter account.

Anyway, I’m at about 100 followers right now. Not a lot by any means, but no longer the void I guess.

(You can follow David’s twitter account by clicking @dnghub)

In an earlier essay, some of the now extinct species of animals were presented. Their characteristics were described as best as the evolutionary biologists can presently determine, and various theories were put forth as to the reasons they became extinct.

It is now time to examine some of the plants on which those biologists have done research.

Once again, we are not talking about old maid Sunday School teachers, even though many of them probably have the petrified flowers of a futile romance pressed between the pages of their hymnals.

- – -

PREHISTORIC CANNIBUS

There is much debate about this plant fossil, recently discovered in a dig next to some Neanderthal bones. Some feel that its similarities with the modern plant in shape of leaf, and by elements discovered nearby (crude stone pipes, psychedelic cave paintings) indicate that it was abused in much the same manner as modern marijuana. Some say its large leaves would have been too potent, and probably poisonous. Others think it was totally benign, and maybe even enjoyable.

There are three theories regarding why this species no longer exists. The first is that it was banned and then destroyed by the more highly developed and therefore more self-righteous Cro-Magnons, who felt it a bad direction to take off their own God’s chosen highway, and would lead to the use of prehistoric heroin, prehistoric crack, or prehistoric LSD. The second theory is that the Neanderthals didn’t have the intelligence to separate the stems and seeds, and thus smoked away the plant’s future. The third line of thinking postulates that the Neanderthals grew so lethargic under its influence that they didn’t feel like doing the work involved in cannibus cultivation. That same lethargy has also been cited as a reason for the extinction of the Neanderthal himself.

THE SMART APPLE

The fossilized remains of this prehistoric fruit were unearthed recently at a dig in the fertile crescent, near the site of some boat wreckage and a strange salt formation in the rough shape of a woman. While at first thought to be an ordinary apple, but of Biblical proportions, Dr. P. C. Mackintosh (in charge of the excavation) soon noticed some peculiarities in both its structure and its surroundings. There appeared to be bites taken out of it, and the rock in which it was embedded showed evidence of a snake-like animal having slithered around in close proximity. The rock had also been carbonized in one spot, as though having been struck by a monstrous lightning bolt. The presence of fossilized fig leaves nearby confirmed to Dr. Mackintosh that this was probably, indeed, the actual apple of knowledge mentioned in the classical texts he had studied as a seminary student.

There is, as yet, no way to really determine the truth of this apple’s purpose and origins. For now, it is considered an extinct species, and the evidence provided by the billions of people who believe in its former existence does, in fact, provide ample proof that this apple— along with all of its knowledge—has been supplanted by something else.

SCHRÖDINGER’S CATNIP

This unique species has been the source of consternation among both evolutionary biologists and theoretical physicists for several decades now. Some say it exists in more than one form, others say it couldn’t. Some say it is not a true fossil and that it is still a live plant. Some claim that only part of it has been found here, because the rest has emerged in a parallel universe.

While it has been suggested that this fossil be placed next to Schrödinger’s cat to see if the cat goes into frenzied quantum gyrations, no biologist or physicist wishes to open the box this feline is contained in. Perhaps they fear that the cat, if alive, would suddenly leap out and play with all their cosmic strings.

For now, various theorists are content with arguing and postulating over the true nature of this catnip. Scientists seem to enjoy that sort of thing.

MESOZOIC CORN

It is theorized that this variety of simple corn was a highly invasive species, and could mutate and hybridize itself to meet all kinds of environmental conditions. Scientists point out that its fossilized remains have been found in climate zones where it should never have existed. It was probably consumed in great quantities by the dinosaurs, but as those gigantic lizards became more gigantic, and their brains shriveled to walnut size, it is apparent that even the great quantities of this corn plant were insufficient to feed their massive appetites. With those tiny brains, the great brontosaurus and triceratops could not see fit to search out better food sources to fuel their migratory activities, merely munching away at this particular resource. As Dr. Ethan Hall, Professor of Prehistoric Agriculture at Old Plowshare University, points out, “There would have been very few alternative foods anyway, given that this particular corn species had taken over all the available prairies and had even encroached into deserts and rain forests.”

Theories on this plant’s demise are almost as abundant as the corn was itself. One line of thinking says that it was eaten to oblivion, but this seems unlikely, because the dinosaurs themselves probably died out before the corn did. Another theory proposes that this plant vanished due to the same asteroid and subsequent wintry skies that had supposedly killed the dinosaurs. A third theory postulates that vast quantities of methane gas were exhausted by the living animals’ digestive tracts, and with the consequent global warming this caused, the corn plants could not survive. There is yet another train of thought which supposes that the corn depleted its own soil, and even the readily available quantities of dinosaur excrement were not adequate for re-fertilization.

While no one really knows for sure what happened to this species, no one seems to care much. There is little research currently being done concerning the long term consequences of the growth and use of such a plant.