By Patrick Francis

Patrick Francis is freakishly strong. However, his fighting technique is almost as bad as his dancing and so he would probably perform poorly in any sort of cage match. Also, he likes pie.

DISPATCH FROM THE E.R.

I sat down on the folding chair in front of the emergency room admitting nurse and explained what had happened: “I’ve had an accident in my laboratory.” I was expecting a dramatic reaction. Instead I got barely a raised eyebrow. It must take a lot to surprise an emergency room nurse but still, hadn’t she heard about all the superheroes that have emerged from lab experimentation gone awry (Did she not know about Spiderman, who was bitten by a radioactive spider, or The Incredible Hulk, who was irradiated by gamma rays?) Was she not curious as to what superhuman feats…

A BRIEF HISTORY OF MY ON-GOING LOVE AFFAIR WITH SCIENCE

– FROM THE ARCHIVES – May 8th, 1988 I encounter science for the first time during recess. As my friends and I are busy using the magnifying lens that Billy Stewart had gotten for his eighth birthday to burn some sticks, she breaks off from the pack of girls she usually travels around the schoolyard with to tell me that she likes my shoes. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly dislike my shoes as they are brand new and have little zippered compartments where I have carefully secreted away the coins I will later use to buy myself some…

SCIENCE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL

The world is going to end on December 21st 2012. How do I know this? Because the Mayans said so and the Mayans pretty much knew it all; these are people that calculated the length of a year to a thousandth decimal place, predicted all future lunar and solar eclipses and invented gravity*. They were also a people that took their calendars very very seriously; calendars which end abruptly on the aforementioned date. Worrisome. The Mayans, probably because they didn’t think we would be able to handle our own demise in a mature fashion, were silent on how, exactly, time…

HISTORY’S GREATEST MINDS TACKLE SCIENCE’S GREATEST UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Dark Matter En route to Daphne’s uncle’s seaside cabin, Scooby Doo and the rest of the Mystery Inc. gang are waylaid at an abandoned amusement park – which, according to the kindly local innkeeper, is haunted by matter that cannot be detected from the light which it emits. So mysterious is this ‘dark matter’ that its presence can only be indirectly inferred from motions of astronomical objects. Unclear as to how this would constitute the type of adventure the gang is usually involved with, Freddie remains in the Mystery Machine while the rest of the…

A BRIEF HISTORY OF MY ON-GOING LOVE AFFAIR WITH SCIENCE

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – May 8th, 1988 I encounter science for the first time during recess. As my friends and I are busy using the magnifying lens that Billy Stewart had gotten for his eighth birthday to burn some sticks, she breaks off from the pack of girls she usually travels around the schoolyard with to tell me that she likes my shoes. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly dislike my shoes as they are brand new and have little zippered compartments where I have carefully secreted away the coins I will later use to buy myself some…

DISPATCH FROM THE E.R.

I sat down on the folding chair in front of the emergency room admitting nurse and explained what had happened: “I’ve had an accident in my laboratory.” I was expecting a dramatic reaction. Instead I got barely a raised eyebrow. It must take a lot to surprise an emergency room nurse but still, hadn’t she heard about all the superheroes that have emerged from lab experimentation gone awry (Did she not know about Spiderman, who was bitten by a radioactive spider, or The Incredible Hulk, who was irradiated by gamma rays?) Was she not curious as to what superhuman feats…

A BRIEF HISTORY OF MY ON-GOING LOVE AFFAIR WITH SCIENCE

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – May 8th, 1988 I encounter science for the first time during recess. As my friends and I are busy using the magnifying lens that Billy Stewart had gotten for his eighth birthday to burn some sticks, she breaks off from the pack of girls she usually travels around the schoolyard with to tell me that she likes my shoes. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly dislike my shoes as they are brand new and have little zippered compartments where I have carefully secreted away the coins I will later use to buy myself some…

WHO IS THE GREATEST SCIENTIST OF THEM ALL?

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Who is the greatest scientist of them all? With no objective way of comparing scientists from different disciplines and eras the debate has raged for time immemorial leading to more than one disagreement, most notably the 1982 Falkland Islands war which began when Margaret Thatcher refused to even consider General Leopoldo Galtieri’s claim that Jonas Salk was one bitchin’ scientist. Luckily modern society has produced the perfect measure of a scientist’s greatness: the no holds barred cage match in which combatants are locked in a steel cage and exhorted by blood thirsty on-lookers to fight…