1. J. Crinion et al., Language Control in the Bilingual Brain, Science, 2006, 312:5779, pp1537-1540.

2. Felix Warneken and Michael Tomasello, Altruistic Helping in Human Infants and Young Chimpanzees, Science, 2006, 311:5765, pp 13019-1303

3. Alicia Melis et al., Chimpanzees Recruit the Best Collaborators, Science, 2005, 311:5765, pp 1297-1300

4. Ap Dijksterhuis et al., On Making the Right Choice: The Deliberation-Without-Attention Effect, Science, 2006, 311:5763, pp 1005-1007

5. Gregory Berns et al., Neurobiological Substrates of Dread, Science, 2006, 312:5774, pp 754-758

A recent study has shown that while “neural circuits for different languages are highly overlapping” in a bilingual brain, it is the left caudate that is still the center of language monitoring and control (1). Now, I’m no brain scientist and I only have a vague idea of what the left caudate is, but at the very least, I’d like to infer from this article that the more languages you speak the more super intelligent you are. Which means that, with my vast lexicon of foreign phrases (including but not limited to: “I am the rainy season” in Vietnamese, “Your dead reindeer is delicious” in Finnish and “You have beautiful knees” in Spanish), I must be a super genius.

Now that I have proof of my super genius-dom (you may not think that’s a word but you’d be wrong; trust me; I’m a super genius; I can say “I dance beautifully” in German) my first order of business will be, like all super geniuses, to take over the world. Initially my plan was to construct an army of giant robotic squirrels. However, that seemed a little too 1950’s science fiction movie for my tastes. Plus as a super genius I’m capable of so much more. I then thought of making a clone army full of replicants of myself. This was a far sexier idea, an idea I felt the world media could really sink its teeth into what with its associations to the hot topics of stem cells and human cloning. I had visions of ominously titled segments on the evening news, melodramatic movies of the week and maybe a Barbara Walters special with one of my more eloquent clones (I’d do it myself but I’d have other, taking over the world type activities to do). Once the daydreaming stopped I quickly realized that an army of myopic, weak-ankled sissies would not strike fear into the hearts of millions. So instead, I settled on highly trained chimpanzees.

Actually, before settling on chimpanzees, it was a tough decision between chimpanzees and an army of bloodthirsty toddlers, but I went chimps for a variety of reasons not least of which was because it seems human infants have the nasty habit of altruistically helping others (2). If there is one thing I don’t need my soldiers doing in the thick of battle it’s ignoring the deadly throwing stars I’ve equipped them with and instead, helping someone retrieve the pen that they have foolishly allowed to fall to the ground; which is, according to the article, exactly what they’d do. While it is true that chimpanzees also demonstrate some altruistic tendencies (2) these are not as strong as in toddlers and frankly I’m pretty confident I can train that kind of behaviour out of the chimps. I am, after all, a super genius.

Furthermore chimpanzees have been proven to be effective at working together; they know when to seek assistance and they are adept at picking the best collaborator (3). This bodes well because I’m sure at some point in our battle to take over the world, there will be some tasks that chimps simply aren’t equipped to handle and my monkey-soldiers will know to ask, I dont know, say, a condor for some help. In truth, I am highly skeptical that a toddler would be able to communicate with any birds of prey, let alone something as mighty as a condor. Unless, that is, they were super geniuses, which they clearly aren’t since I’ve never met a toddler that could say “My bicycle tastes of tropical fruits” in Swahili.

Anyway, once I have successfully taken over the world, it is then that I will have some hard choices to make. Specifically I will have to decide whether to be a benevolent dictator leading Earth into an age of prosperity and happiness, or a harsh tyrant using the toil of the multitudes to fill my palaces with expensive carpeting and really nice glassware. You’d think that this kind of decision would take some serious conscious thought but again you’d be wrong (seriously, can you say anything, anything at all, in another language?). A decision of this magnitude is best mulled over unconsciously (4). At least that would be the case if the tyrant/gentle father figure debate is similar to the examples in that particular paper, which include deciding what new outfit to purchase and whether to go to Tuscany on your vacation or the Costa Brava. So once my army of chimpanzee warriors and I have successfully taken over the globe, I would basically have to sleep on it and let you know whether your future is one of joy and security or one of hardship and sorrow.

I would also try and get back to you with a decision on that relatively quickly since, as I’ve just read, if there’s anything worse than a bad outcome it is the dread associated with waiting for that bad outcome to occur (5) and as I’ve always said, “An anxious slave labourer is an unproductive slave labourer”.

2. Marcel Cardillo et al., Multiple Causes of High Extinction Risk in Large Mammal Species, Science, 2005, 309:5738, pp 1239-1241

3. Andreas Olsson et al., The Role of Social Groups in the Persistence of Learned Fear, Science, 2005, 309:5735, pp 785-787

4. Brad Allenby and Jonathan Fink, Toward Inherently Secure and Resilient Societies, Science, 2005, 309:5737, pp 1034-1036

However, no sooner was my whiskey finished, that I then came across an article stating that large mammal species are at an increased risk of extinction (2). Apparently, while small species usually go extinct because of environmental factors alone, larger mammals are driven to extinction by intrinsic factors such as gestation length and weaning age. And distressingly the threshold body mass separating large and small mammals was a ridiculously low 3 kg, putting me squarely in the large mammal camp. The authors of the study tried to allay my fears by reasoning that the extinction of large animals was due, in part, to humans, who have always been especially keen on hunting big things. However, I feel that it is only a matter of time before, having run out of options, man begins to hunt other men for sport anyway. In fact, I’ve seen this already described in a Sunday afternoon movie I saw, that may have starred Ice Cube and which, I’m pretty sure, was a documentary.

In truth, this is all a moot point anyway. I don’t know why, but even scarier than Ice Cube, documentaries, or even Sunday afternoons for that matter, is the thought of poor helpless, liver impaired (but large) me, becoming the prey of a menacing polar bear. This fear of the great arctic beast seems, at the surface, to be an irrational one, mainly because I am not a seal. Nor do I hang about in local seal haunts performing seal-associated activities such as lying about on rocks sunning my blubbery underbelly. Even in the water, my awkward swimming stroke, gangly frame and whiter than death colouring make me distinctly un-seal-like. These traits, compounded by my infrequent presence in the arctic, make my death at the hands of a hungry and otherwise myopic polar bear extremely unlikely. So why do I fear them with such intensity? The pages of Science magazine, as usual, hold the answer: it seems that I have been conditioned to fear those outside of my social group (3). In fact I have “millions of years of natural selection and a lifetime of social learning” whispering in my ear to fear the polar bear solely because it is different than me. It doesn’t like soda, it isn’t intimately familiar with the James Bond films and it could care less how the sports teams from my area fare in their respective leagues. Fortunately for both the polar bears and myself, social fear can be reduced. Turns out interracial dating significantly decreases the dread of different others; a solution I am not above trying.

Or was it interspecies dating? Anyway, as if scaring me with the possibility of wooing a large white bear wasn’t enough, Science then dropped the complete destruction of our society on me. In a study looking at the resiliency of our society to internal and external forces, researchers from Arizona State University described a myriad of ways our civilization could nosedive into obscurity, including, but not limited to: airborne pathogens, terrorist attack, nuclear attack, natural disasters and the ominous sounding destructive electromagnetic frequency pulses (4). They also discussed some ways of making our society more capable of withstanding such events, but to be honest these fixes were not sufficient enough to stop me from cowering under my desk in terror. Yes, having workers “telecommute” might spare them from bad air quality days and unanticipated upsets in the traffic networks, but having me work from home hardly seems to be a satisfying solution – it certainly isn’t going to save me from those nasty polar bears, at least not the persistent ones anyway.

2. Marcel Cardillo et al., Multiple Causes of High Extinction Risk in Large Mammal Species, Science, 2005, 309:5738, pp 1239-1241

3. Andreas Olsson et al., The Role of Social Groups in the Persistence of Learned Fear, Science, 2005, 309:5735, pp 785-787

4. Brad Allenby and Jonathan Fink, Toward Inherently Secure and Resilient Societies, Science, 2005, 309:5737, pp 1034-1036

However, no sooner was my whiskey finished, that I then came across an article stating that large mammal species are at an increased risk of extinction (2). Apparently, while small species usually go extinct because of environmental factors alone, larger mammals are driven to extinction by intrinsic factors such as gestation length and weaning age. And distressingly the threshold body mass separating large and small mammals was a ridiculously low 3 kg, putting me squarely in the large mammal camp. The authors of the study tried to allay my fears by reasoning that the extinction of large animals was due, in part, to humans, who have always been especially keen on hunting big things. However, I feel that it is only a matter of time before, having run out of options, man begins to hunt other men for sport anyway. In fact, I’ve seen this already described in a Sunday afternoon movie I saw, that may have starred Ice Cube and which, I’m pretty sure, was a documentary.

In truth, this is all a moot point anyway. I don’t know why, but even scarier than Ice Cube, documentaries, or even Sunday afternoons for that matter, is the thought of poor helpless, liver impaired (but large) me, becoming the prey of a menacing polar bear. This fear of the great arctic beast seems, at the surface, to be an irrational one, mainly because I am not a seal. Nor do I hang about in local seal haunts performing seal-associated activities such as lying about on rocks sunning my blubbery underbelly. Even in the water, my awkward swimming stroke, gangly frame and whiter than death colouring make me distinctly un-seal-like. These traits, compounded by my infrequent presence in the arctic, make my death at the hands of a hungry and otherwise myopic polar bear extremely unlikely. So why do I fear them with such intensity? The pages of Science magazine, as usual, hold the answer: it seems that I have been conditioned to fear those outside of my social group (3). In fact I have “millions of years of natural selection and a lifetime of social learning” whispering in my ear to fear the polar bear solely because it is different than me. It doesn’t like soda, it isn’t intimately familiar with the James Bond films and it could care less how the sports teams from my area fare in their respective leagues. Fortunately for both the polar bears and myself, social fear can be reduced. Turns out interracial dating significantly decreases the dread of different others; a solution I am not above trying.

Or was it interspecies dating? Anyway, as if scaring me with the possibility of wooing a large white bear wasn’t enough, Science then dropped the complete destruction of our society on me. In a study looking at the resiliency of our society to internal and external forces, researchers from Arizona State University described a myriad of ways our civilization could nosedive into obscurity, including, but not limited to: airborne pathogens, terrorist attack, nuclear attack, natural disasters and the ominous sounding destructive electromagnetic frequency pulses (4). They also discussed some ways of making our society more capable of withstanding such events, but to be honest these fixes were not sufficient enough to stop me from cowering under my desk in terror. Yes, having workers “telecommute” might spare them from bad air quality days and unanticipated upsets in the traffic networks, but having me work from home hardly seems to be a satisfying solution – it certainly isn’t going to save me from those nasty polar bears, at least not the persistent ones anyway.

2. Paolo A. Mazzali et al., An Asymmetric Energetic Type Ic Supernova Viewed Off-Axis, and a Link to Gamma Ray Bursts, Science, 2005, 308:5726, pp 1284-1287

3. Roger Guimerà et al., Team Assembly Mechanisms Determine Collaboration Network Structure and Team Performance, Science, 2005, 308:5722, pp 697-702

4. Trevor Jones et al., The Highland Mangabey Lophocebus kipunji: A New Species of African Monkey, Science, 2005, 308:5725, pp 1161-1164

I am even more concerned after reading a study on asymmetric energetic type Ic supernovas (2). These supernovas have associated gamma ray bursts that could, theoretically, like they did to Bruce Banner/The Incredible Hulk, endow me with super powers. The article didn’t discuss the specifics of these super powers, and it was the poorer for it, but it didn’t explicitly state that I would respond any differently than Mr. Banner who, along with his super strength and alluring green coloring, suffered from some rage issues. This is cause for concern for if I too were to be cursed with a very bad temper along with what I can only hope will be some combination of invisibility, power of flight and super speed I would become quite a menace to society, especially considering my aforementioned increased penchant for violence.

In order to channel by forthcoming powers/bloodlust towards the doing of good I will probably need to form “Team Awesome” a crime-fighting squadron of daredevilry. Luckily, the mechanisms behind assembling such a team have been studied using data from the Broadway musical industry and the scientific fields of social psychology, economics, ecology and astronomy (3). Extrapolating from this study and assuming that crime fighting and Broadway musicals are analogous, I have decided to limit the team to 6 members. This is enough individuals to enable specialization and effective division of labor while at the same time allowing us all to travel around in our bitchin’ van. True, Broadway musicals are typically composed of 7 artists but Team Awesome doesn’t really need a lyricist. It does, however, need a master of disguise, an explosives expert, a strongman, a gadgetry whiz and a choreographer. This should be enough diversity to spur creativity but not so much as to cause conflict and miscommunication. The team will also have to consist of a healthy mix of rookies and grizzled veterans so as to ensure we have innovative ideas but also a reservoir of past experience.

Crime-fighting will no doubt be draining, thankless work. The members of “Team Awesome” will therefore be in no mood for housework upon returning from foiling the latest schemes of our nefarious nemeses. Instead we will want to be catered to as we lounge poolside in our secret, intra-volcanic headquarters. However, “Team Awesome” will require something special in a butler. Which is why the current discovery of a new species of African monkey in Tanzania is so intriguing (4). L. kipunji is arboreal and is distinguished by its black eyelids, brown coloring, upright crest, and its off-white tail and ventrum. It is not yet known as to the quality of this new-found species’ butlering but it can be assumed that it will be of a higher quality than all previously-known monkey species who are, to the last, unreliable menservants: baboons are more likely to attack a visitor than to show them into the lounge and when, in the off-chance, a spider monkey actually fetches a beer it seems to be a random occurrence rather than the result of a deep-seeded fealty. Only Chimpanzees have shown any promise in the arena of servitude but even they have the unhygienic habit of soiling their custom-made miniature tuxedoes.

“Team Awesome” will be a dedicated force for good, battling jewel theft, insurance fraud and the like. It will be a mundane existence until that time that the pages of Science magazine unlock the mysteries of time-travel, account the first successful genetically engineered (and evil) shark-man or report on some crazed doctor’s giant laser-oriented plot. Then things will become a bit more awesome.

2. Paolo A. Mazzali et al., An Asymmetric Energetic Type Ic Supernova Viewed Off-Axis, and a Link to Gamma Ray Bursts, Science, 2005, 308:5726, pp 1284-1287

3. Roger Guimerà et al., Team Assembly Mechanisms Determine Collaboration Network Structure and Team Performance, Science, 2005, 308:5722, pp 697-702

4. Trevor Jones et al., The Highland Mangabey Lophocebus kipunji: A New Species of African Monkey, Science, 2005, 308:5725, pp 1161-1164

I am even more concerned after reading a study on asymmetric energetic type Ic supernovas (2). These supernovas have associated gamma ray bursts that could, theoretically, like they did to Bruce Banner/The Incredible Hulk, endow me with super powers. The article didn’t discuss the specifics of these super powers, and it was the poorer for it, but it didn’t explicitly state that I would respond any differently than Mr. Banner who, along with his super strength and alluring green coloring, suffered from some rage issues. This is cause for concern for if I too were to be cursed with a very bad temper along with what I can only hope will be some combination of invisibility, power of flight and super speed I would become quite a menace to society, especially considering my aforementioned increased penchant for violence.

In order to channel by forthcoming powers/bloodlust towards the doing of good I will probably need to form “Team Awesome” a crime-fighting squadron of daredevilry. Luckily, the mechanisms behind assembling such a team have been studied using data from the Broadway musical industry and the scientific fields of social psychology, economics, ecology and astronomy (3). Extrapolating from this study and assuming that crime fighting and Broadway musicals are analogous, I have decided to limit the team to 6 members. This is enough individuals to enable specialization and effective division of labor while at the same time allowing us all to travel around in our bitchin’ van. True, Broadway musicals are typically composed of 7 artists but Team Awesome doesn’t really need a lyricist. It does, however, need a master of disguise, an explosives expert, a strongman, a gadgetry whiz and a choreographer. This should be enough diversity to spur creativity but not so much as to cause conflict and miscommunication. The team will also have to consist of a healthy mix of rookies and grizzled veterans so as to ensure we have innovative ideas but also a reservoir of past experience.

Crime-fighting will no doubt be draining, thankless work. The members of “Team Awesome” will therefore be in no mood for housework upon returning from foiling the latest schemes of our nefarious nemeses. Instead we will want to be catered to as we lounge poolside in our secret, intra-volcanic headquarters. However, “Team Awesome” will require something special in a butler. Which is why the current discovery of a new species of African monkey in Tanzania is so intriguing (4). L. kipunji is arboreal and is distinguished by its black eyelids, brown coloring, upright crest, and its off-white tail and ventrum. It is not yet known as to the quality of this new-found species’ butlering but it can be assumed that it will be of a higher quality than all previously-known monkey species who are, to the last, unreliable menservants: baboons are more likely to attack a visitor than to show them into the lounge and when, in the off-chance, a spider monkey actually fetches a beer it seems to be a random occurrence rather than the result of a deep-seeded fealty. Only Chimpanzees have shown any promise in the arena of servitude but even they have the unhygienic habit of soiling their custom-made miniature tuxedoes.

“Team Awesome” will be a dedicated force for good, battling jewel theft, insurance fraud and the like. It will be a mundane existence until that time that the pages of Science magazine unlock the mysteries of time-travel, account the first successful genetically engineered (and evil) shark-man or report on some crazed doctor’s giant laser-oriented plot. Then things will become a bit more awesome.