Sean Connery
Her Man Pain
Michele Bachward
Katy Perry’s Dad
Moot Romney
Newt Vader
Santa

HOST

Hello, Hello Everyone, and welcome to the Special Christmas Edition of The Sean Connery Show.  I’m your host.  You know, of course, me as the star of Zardoz and Dragonheart, but my friends just call me Sir Sean Connery.  Thank you, thank you – please hold your applause.

On today’s Special Christmas Edition of The Sean Connery Show we have a real treat for you Yanks…it’s the First Ever U.S. Public Debate Among Candidates for the Next Director of the National Institutes of Health.  Please hold your applause.

Now many of you might be thinking: Hey, wait a minute Sean, the NIH Director is an appointed position, not an elected one.  But that’s what makes our field of candidates so special: these driven and committed men and women don’t let little facts like this get in their way, no, they drive around them – and that’s what makes America the great nation that it is – and that’s why I love America.  Now, without any further ado, let’s meet your candidates for the next Director of the NIH.

First up:  you know him, you love him, from former pizza delivery-man to former Presidential candidate:  please welcome Herman Pain!

Pain approaches his podium, and places his name-plate on the podium, which reads:  “Her Man Pain”.

Next up:  she may still be campaigning for President, but reality won’t this powerhouse of a woman: say hello to Michele Bachward!

She approaches her podium, and reveals her name-plate, which reads:  “Michelle Bachward”

Next, but not last:  We know he can govern, but can he sing?  Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Katy Perry’s Father!

He approaches podium, where his name-plate reads: “Katy Perry’s Dad”.

And last but not least: fresh from helping Steve Hand collect shrimp from the Great Salt Lake:  it’s Moot Romney.

A stuffed toy or puppet is used for Romney. It is placed on the table, it’s name-plate reads: “Moot Romney”.  It is suggested that a stuffed space alien toy be used.

Welcome, welcome, all of you.  Now you will each have an opening statement, and then we’ll be asking you carefully screened questions sent into the Sean Connery Facebook page.  And so ladies and gentlemen:  let the debates begin!

PAIN

Hello Everybody!  We’ve changed destinations, but we’re still going just as fast:  it’s time to get back on the Pain Train!  I want to introduce you today to my master plan for getting the NIH back on track – because, as you know, ever since Mr. Francis Collins has been in charge over there, things have been kind of stagnant.  In fact, the only real progress this Obama appointee seems to have made is starting his little “Translational Medicine Institute”.

Well I say: This is American, and in America, we speak American, and if your doctor needs a translator, then they either need to learn to speak American, or they need to go back and practice medicine in whatever socialist country they came from.  Translational medicine is just a waste of taxpayer money.  Under my new plan, you’ll get good old-fashioned American-speaking medicine!

Now my new plan for the NIH is called the six, sixty-six plan (he turns over a sign next to his name that has three sixes on it).  Under my new plan, six percent of all submitted grants will be funded every six months, and grant durations will be increased to six years.  My motto is: K.I.S.S.  Keep it simple, stupid.  Why mess with all these scores and pay lines and who knows what all, when all you need are three simple numbers to keep America’s labs running.  So vote for me for the next NIH Director, and I promise to make a mark on the forehead of American science.  Thank you.

BACHWARD

Well Herman, a very interesting, but simple plan.  Ladies and gentlemen, I am Michele Bachward, and I want to be YOUR next Director of the National Institbles of Health.  And my plan for the NHI, unlike Mr. Pain’s, is not a simplistic numbering system that you need a calculator to figure out.  No, no, no, my plan is a precise and strategic carpet-bombing of everything that needs fixing in our nation’s research plan.

First and foremost, we need to fix the gender inequity in science: and we need to start with the NHH.  Now as many of you know, many current lab technicians are male – and I ask you:  is it fair that these male lab technicians are taking jobs away from women?  Everyone knows that lab technicians are supposed to be women, and that a woman’s rightful place in the lab is as a technical assistant.  My first act as the new NHN Director would be to fix this gender imbalance and restore the role of lab technician to its rightful place in American science.

My next act will be to take science away from the terrorists, and so I would immediately close the Institute for Iraqi Science.  Why should hard-earned American tax dollars be spent on the Institute for Iraqi Science when there are so many American Institutes in the NNH that need money?

The Host goes over and whispers into Bachward’s ear.

I’ve just been informed that there may not actually be an Institute for Iraqi Science.  I have no verification of this information yet, but if it is true, I say:  Huzzah, huzzah!  Good for you NHI!  Good job in preemptively getting rid of the Institute for Iraqi Science!  It makes my job easier, and allows for me to concentrate on newer and bolder initiatives to help America’s crumbling research infrastructure.  Thank you.

KATY PERRY’S DAD

Hello.  I’m Katy Perry’s father, and I want to be the next Director of YOUR National Institutional Health.  Now, I want to tell you something.  I believe in freedom.  I believe that our great country was founded on the principles of freedom and capitalism.  And that freedom stretches from sea to shining sea and all the way into our own bodies and our own organs and cellular things and sub-cellular stuff.  And to this end, I believe that each and every American has a right to the diseases of their choice – the diseases that they themselves want – as individuals and as Americans.  Big government has no right to treat your disease, and it certainly has no right to do research on how to cure your disease unless individual Americans want that disease to be cured.  Diseased Americans are also free Americans.  To help insure this basic American freedom, I plan to open the Institute for Discovery of Incredibly Optional Treatments, or I.D.I.O.T. (he flips over a sign with the abbreviation on it).  The Institute for Discovery of Incredibly Optional Treatments will, as the name says, be completely optional.  No American will be forced to have their disease researched or treated by a bloated government research machine.  And so if you vote for me for the next Director of the Natural Institutes of Health, you’ll be able to rest assured, knowing that the new I.D.I.O.T. is watching over our nation’s diseased population.  Oh yeah: and I would eliminate the Department of Energy.  No particular reason, I just don’t like it.  Thank you for your attention.

HOST

Well, thank you, thank you everyone.  We’ll skip Moot Romney, of course, since he is only a stuffed toy.  Those were some great campaign speeches, some wonderful plans and approaches – I think our audience will agree: let’s give our candidates a round of applause.  Now, for the second part of our candidate’s debate, we’ll be asking you each some carefully chosen questions that have been posted on our Facebook page.  Let’s start with this question for Ms. Bachward:  Wendy S. from Iowa City writes:  Given Ms. Bachward’s well known stance on the non-existence of evolution, and given the well known fact that all of biology is based in evolution, how will this effect her ability to run the NIH.”  Michele?

BACHWARD

Well Sean, that’s a very good question, and one that my staff and I discussed after church just this past Sunday.  I know that many of the sciencers who work at or with the NNH are quite enamored with their little theory of evolution, even though most Americans know that it is not in the Bible.  So to make it possible to keep the peace, I would institute a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about evolution in science.

HOST

(Long pause:) Okay.  Is that your final answer?

BACHWARD

Yes, Sean, that’s my final answer.

HOST

Okay then, the next question is for Mr. Pain from a Ms. Sally Winchell who says that she worked closely with Her Man over the past 13 years.  Quote:  “We would often work side by side at the bench, and sometimes we would even pipette each other’s solutions.  On many evenings I would put his tubes in the centrifuge for him, and sometimes I even had to take his tubes back out of the centrifuge for him.”  Ms. Winchell doesn’t really ask a question, but I believe that America would like to know your response to her allegations.

PAIN

Well Sean, I didn’t know this debate was going to be so personal, but what I can say is that I believe that this Sally Winchell may be somewhat unclear on the mechanics of pipetting and centrifugation.  I don’t want to call anyone a liar, except my colleague Ms. Bachward of course, but I feel that this allegation from this Sally Winchell person may simply be a miscommunication.

HOST

I see.  And you’re going to stick with that answer?

PAIN

Until concrete evidence surfaces.

HOST

Very well then.  Our next Facebook question is for Katy Perry’s Dad.  A young fan from Idaho writes:  “Dear Sir, I am a big fan of Katy Perry and have all of her albums.  I know for a fact that you are not her father.  Are you just using the name recognition to try to get elected?”

KATY PERRY’S DAD

Well, it worked for Bush Junior.

HOST

But surely that’s not your primary campaign strategy?

KATY PERRY’S DAD

Oh, of course not Sean.  As you probably know, I’ve also got the endorsement of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal – and between the two of us we almost have one brain.

HOST

So, you’re admitting you only have half-a-brain?  Do you think that’s a wise revelation?

KATY PERRY’S DAD

It worked for Bush Junior.

HOST

Hard to argue with that.  Oh, I’m sorry, did you actually say something Mr. Romney.  (He goes in close to allow Romney to whisper in his ear).  What’s that?  You say Ms. Bachward is actually a witch?  (the Host leans in and listens to Romney again) You say you would bet $10,000 that she is a witch?  Well, how do you know she is a witch?  (He listens to Romney again).  She’s called you Newt Romney so many times that she turned you into a newt?  But you’re not a newt now.

NEWT

(Darth Vader enters wearing a Newt Gingrich mask over his helmet.)  No, but I am a Newt.  (He grabs the Mitt Romney puppet and throws it aside).  Sorry Moot, the real Newt is here now.

HOST

Well, what a surprise – everyone please welcome: Newt the Grinch!

NEWT

Thank you, thank you.  I’m sorry I’m late, I had to finish destroying a small planet – er, I mean I had to finish with some important discussions with my graduate students.  That was just a joke about destroying small planets, heh, heh, heh.  (He waves his hand out over the audience as he says:) You will forget the remark about destroying small planets.  Now I want to tell you about my plan for a new, fully operational National Institute.  But before we get to that, I want to get one little piece of business out of the way:  HerMan…HerMan…for the last time, I am not your father!  Okay, back to my new fully operational Institute.  As you know, I have always been concerned with the ethics and morals of the American people, so I am proposing a new Ethical Vigilance Institute and Laboratory.  (He flips over a sign that says:  E.V.I.L).  My new Ethical Vigilance Institute and Laboratory will foster research that will bring ethics and morality back to the American people.

SANTA

(Entering unexpectedly:) Ho, ho, ho!  Merry Christmas!

HOST

Hey everyone, it’s Santa!

SANTA

Ho, ho, ho.  (Going over to Newt:) Now you just wait one minute there Mr. Grinch.  The American people have fine ethics and morals right now – aside from a few, select exceptions (he waves his finger at all of them). Now, I’m very disappointed in all of you.  None of you are setting a very good example for the American children.  Well?  What do you have to say for yourselves?

NEWT, PAIN, BACHWARD, KATY PERRY’S DAD

All gather together and sing (to the tune of Little Drummer Boy):

Come, they told us,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
Come lead the NIH,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
Our lack of skills we bring,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
To gut this science thing,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
Rum, pa, pum, pum,
Rum, pa, pum, pum,
We’ll shut down your lab,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
When we come.

Little scientists,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We all are richer than you,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We have no funds to give
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
No funds to give your lab
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum
Shall we twiddle for you,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
On our thumbs.

They all twiddle their thumbs.

Tea bags nodded,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
The elephants kept time
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We twirled out thumbs for you,  (they twiddle their thumbs again.)
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We twirled our best for you,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum (they stop twiddling thumbs)
No one smiled at us
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We and our thumbs.

SANTA

Ho, ho, ho…And that’s your final answer?  Well, all I have to say to you is:

Sings (to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town):

(To Pain:) Oh, you better shape up,
(To Bachward:) You better not lie,
(To Katy Perry’s Dad:) You better wise up,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to town.

I’m making a list
I’m checking it twice.
I’m gonna find out
Who’s naughty or nice (he starts to take Newt’s mask off to reveal Vader, but Vader stops him).
Santa Claus is coming to town.

(To Bachward:) I know when you’ve been hating,
(To Pain:) I know when you’re a lout,
(To Newt:) I know if you have flipped or flopped,
And it makes me have to shout:

Oh, you better shape up,
You better not lie,
You better wise up,
I’m telling you why,

Santa Claus is coming to town!

HOST

Thank you everyone, that’s our show for today, goodnight and Happy Holidays.

EVERYONE

(Each waving and yelling separately:)  Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and so on…

The End.

North Pole – December 12, 2011 – Against advice from Mrs. Claus and 62% of the elves, Santa Claus today excoriated what he called the irresponsible and inflammatory rhetoric of overeducated physicists with nothing better to do than employ fancy mathematical equations in an effort to deny children a sense of wonder.

I am beside myself, Santa said. Literally, I’m standing next to myself. How can the supposed brilliant and creative minds at Fermilab not only question my existence but proclaim it impossible? Here’s their proof:

Theorem: Santa does not exist.

Assume:

a) Using simple math and statistics from the Population Reference Bureau on how many people celebrate X-mas, I need to visit 91.8 million homes.

b) I need to travel 75.5 million miles, assuming a uniform distribution of homes.

c) Reindeer can’t fly, but there are undiscovered species on Earth so flying reindeer aren’t inconceivable.

d) A reindeer can pull 300 pounds; a flying reindeer might be able to pull an order of magnitude more than an earthbound reindeer.

e) Taking advantage of time zones, I have 31 hours within which to deliver the gifts.

f) Each child gets a medium-sized Lego set, weighing 2 pounds.

Prove: True

1. I make 822.6 visits per second and have 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, slide down the chimney, drop off gifts, and scarf down some cookies.

2. My sleigh goes 650 miles per second (mps). For dramatic effect, they tell us the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, only goes 27.4 mps.

3. I have 321,300 tons of toys to deliver.

4. I need 214,200 flying reindeer to pull a sleigh with all those toys.

5. This payload traveling 650 mps would make the reindeer hotter ‘n a spacecraft re-entering earth’s atmosphere. They’d burst into flames before being vaporized in less than a second.

6. Due to forces 17,000 times greater than gravity, I would become flatter ‘n Flat Stanley.

7. Q.E.D

What kind of cockamamie semantic-numerical proof is that?

First, let’s start with the assumptions. While it‘s conceivable that reindeer can fly, it is so improbable as to be considered utterly ridiculous. Even more ridiculous to think all kids would want a Lego set. Lego may be popular with the nerd set but according to market research firm, NPD Group (a subsidiary of Santa Enterprises), Cars, Disney Princess, Dora the Explorer, Star Wars, Thomas and Friends, and a bunch of other stuff all outsold Lego. BTW, a medium Lego set contains 300 bricks each weighing 6 grams, which is closer to 4 pounds, making my existence twice as ridiculous to the physics community.

Second, why in the world would I travel to everyone’s home? Santa Enterprises is not a goddamn distribution company. It’s an information company (and a very successful one at that). Our intellectual property (IP in the lingo) is The List. We collect and maintain data on what kids want and what kids deserve. Then we use our proprietary matching algorithm to reconcile the two.

We outsource distribution and payments to parents, grandparents, friends, and other assorted gift-givers. We outsource inventory to retailers. We outsource marketing to the Web. Our business model is a mash-up of Google, Amazon, PayPal, and Tupperware.

Screw the physicists. The economists should be trotting us out as a case study in the Harvard Business Review.

Want your proof, physicists?

You know that Higgs boson you so desperately want? I gave you the Large Hadron Collider last year after some good behavior, but it won’t deliver the God Particle. Stop messing with the kids if you want my algorithm to hook you up with the Higgs.

Not proof enough for you?

Go look for that picture of me and that beautiful boson flipping you the bird.

“Let’s go over the design plans briefly before we begin our operation, fellas.”

“We’ll proceed from the top, here at this access panel, and then move our way down to the waste stack, here.”

“Behind the access panel opening you’ll usually find several enamel fixtures in a curved array, with multiple small valves supplying fluid to the fixtures and the upper end of the system.

“Solids and liquids introduced to the system are pushed into the drain by this auger unit, down a three degree slope, to a 90 degree ell-coupling here. Be careful working around this elbow area since touching the inside of the pipe will cause the system to immediately back up.”

“Now, below this fitting there are two 3/4 inch drain lines, which converge here in this flow control valve. This valve is responsible for separation of gas, liquid and solid material, as well as functioning as a PA system for the entire structure.”

“We’ll only concern ourselves with the fluid and semi-fluid lines at this point people. We’ll let the gas fitters work on the other line later.”

“Past the control valve we come to a central reservoir which holds all the in-feed from the drain line above. This tank has control valves at each end and, after suitable mixing has occurred, the contents of the tank are slowly drained through the lower valve into a 1 inch sewer line here.”

“This sewer stack is approximately 28 feet long, made of flexible tubing, and winds around the central interior of the structure, through several 90 degree bends, elbows, and 45 degree offsets. As it proceeds, some of the material inside the structure is siphoned off using various branch lines.”

“Just so you’re aware, another system is responsible for filtering liquids in this structure. That system has two replaceable strainers here at the back. Waste liquid drains from these filters into a P-trap holding tank here and hence to one of two different exit valves, depending on the structure. This is what we male plumbers call the fire sprinkler system. That’s a bit of anatomy humour there.”

“Other tanks contribute fluids and chemicals to the mixture as it moves down the stack, but generally the material continues without interruption.”

“The processed material then enters this 2 inch stack, which is in essence another, larger holding tank. This tank regularly empties, usually into a municipal waste system, through this flow control valve, here. Yes, the exterior valve can look like a politician, Joe – good one!”

“This plumbing system operates with high efficiency, but can occasionally slow to a crawl, or speed up beyond system capacity. The reasons for slowing down can be anything from too much cheese entering the system to a lack of water irrigation, which can also lead up to a complete blockage and pipeline shut down.”

“The system can also work at extremely high speed, particularly after a ‘hot wings and beer night’ at the local pub, or if the system is contaminated by a previously untested curry.”

“When working on these pipes, care must be taken with open flames or spark-producing tools since the system can vapour-lock, and flammable gases are known to accumulate on a regular basis. Venting is as important here as in any plumbing system, so remember that as you solder or weld anything.”

“So that’s it folks! Any questions before we start on this patient? No? Good.”

“Someone get my work gloves and I can get started with the pipe cutters. We need a work light in here! Who’s got the snake?”

“We have to hurry people – the electricians next door need help with their brain surgery.”

Mondo-Genetic-Services is proud to announce its latest venture, “The Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project.” Hot on the tails of the International Human Genome Sequencing Consortium and Celera Genomics, we present to you a novel approach in the elucidation of mankind’s blueprint of life. Rather than using the frequently studied yet boring human cell lines, or samples from a small group of ethnically diverse, anonymous, and likely dull individuals, we propose a completely different strategy – that is, we plan to use the genomes of individuals handpicked by the editorial staff of People magazine, a move we feel will cater to the desires of you and your friends. Currently our impressive roster of prospective subjects include the following:

People’s Choice Favourite Motion Picture Actor – Harrison Ford
How can any human genome project not have samples from the man revered as Han Solo and Indiana Jones? The man who has uttered such immortal words as “Punch it Chewie,” and “Nazi’s – I hate these guys.” In related news, Mondo-Genetic-Services has also tried to recruit his girlfriend Calista Flockhart into the project, but has recently learnt that she simply did not have enough tissue.

People’s Choice Favourite Motion Picture Actress – Sandra Bullock
Mondo-Genetic-Services feels that the inclusion of Ms. Bullock, the purveyor of such classics as Speed 2 and Miss Congeniality, into the Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project is practically self explanatory. Besides, the editorial staff of People magazine all agree that she “is really hot, but in a nice way.”

People’s Choice’s Favourite Performer in a Children’s Television Program – Goofy
Is he a man? Is he a dog? Is he a man-dog? Be one of the first to find out, here at the Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project.

People’s Choice Most Interesting Person of African Descent – Olusegun Obasanjo
Through email correspondence, the editorial staff of People Magazine have finalized an agreement to sequence the DNA of President Obasanjo, of Nigeria. In return and given their capacity to act as an overseas partner in a balance account transfer from the Central Bank of Nigeria, he will place 20% of US$21,320,000.00 (TWENTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS) into their corporate accounts.

People’s Choice Most Interesting Person of Asian Descent – Michelle Kwan
Yes, the folks at People magazine are certified KWAN FANS. Michelle has agreed to participate in this project and in return, we will help start up an official Michelle Kwan fan club. More to the point, inclusion of DNA from this outstanding athlete will allow us to finally answer one of life’s most troubling questions – that is, how exactly does figure skating get judged?

People’s Choice Favourite Television Icon – Arthur Fonzarelli
“The Fonz” was a cultural icon of the 1950’s and is certainly deserving of a place in the Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project. Not only did he seem to have telekinetic powers, but this is one guy who must have seen a lot of sex! Since the lubricated condom wasn’t introduced until 1957, and the oral contraceptive wasn’t even invented until the 60s, Mondo-Genetic-Services wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Fonzarelli himself sired half of Middle America.

People’s Choice Favourite Television Comedy Series – Cast of “Who’s the Boss”
In an attempt to secure DNA sequences that espouse the best of American family virtues, the Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project will obtain tissue samples from the entire cast of “Who’s the Boss.” This will include cells taken from Tony Danza, Judith Light, Katherine Helmond, Alyssa Milano, and even the little boy whose name no one can remember.

People’s Choice Favourite Diety – Jesus:
In a coup d’etat for this project, Mondo-Genetic-Services has secured the sole rights to sequence and publish the Prince of Peace’s very own DNA. Furthermore, our scientists have also discovered that due to the principle of the Holy Trinity, this agreement also effectively grants us sole rights to the genetic code of the Holy Spirit and of God himself

People’s Choice Reader’s Pick – George W. Bush
Because apparently America, like the rest of the world, is wondering “what the hell is up with that?”

January 17, 2005
I received the syllabus for my Humanities course. A humanities course should not be required for my B.Sc degree in Physics. To add insult to injury, we are supposed to do an analysis of Well’s The Time Machine. We are to focus on the historical context when the topic is time travel?
Who reads a book on a time machine for social insights? I would do anything to get out of this essay.
At dinner, my friends complained about this assignment. I tell them a way out: I will build a time machine.
They mocked me, but they will see.

January 18, 2005
9:20 A.M. Building a time machine is harder than I thought. There are all kinds of technical challenges I didn’t anticipate. Frustrated, I decide to make a mix tape with songs like Cher’s If I could Turn Back Time.
Noon. Finished my time machine. The book report is due in a couple of weeks, so I need to get down to business.

January 19, 2005
Watched Groundhog Day. What a great movie.

January 20, 2005
After lunch I get in my time machine and press the lever forward. I don’t know what to expect and am somewhat surprised by the sound emitted which is that of a very large blender. Stranger yet is the smell emitted by my contraption—which is that of cinnamon vanilla.

August 14, 1996
I have successfully transgressed the boundaries of time. I have moved backward in time.
I create an internet company called eToys. If I am rich, I don’t need to stay in school.

February 12, 1997
I’m rich. I have no need to go to school. Returning to the present with no worries about stupid papers on stupid books.

January 20, 2005
I return to the present. My company has flopped. I’m in debt. Must figure out a way to finish book report. Less than a month until it is due!

March 08, 1920
I go to Harvard, to see Professor Santayana, guru of arts and culture and stuff. I tell him my situation, the whole thing.
I ask him if he’ll help me.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

January 20, 2005
I believe Santayana was trying to give me a suggestion about the significance of Wells. I come up with a couple of ideas. After a good night’s rest I’ll return to Professor Santayana and see what he says.

March 08, 1920
I take my ideas to Santayana.
He says to me, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
I can see where this is going. I make my way back to the future.

December 16, 2004
Today is the day I signed up for the humanities course.
I try to intercept my past self from taking the humanities course. The lines for registration are painfully long. Unwilling to wait, I decide to not bother.

July 13, 1880
I meet H.G. Wells and try to persuade him he shouldn’t be a writer. H.G. claims he isn’t that interested in writing.
He asks me where I am from and why I am dressed the way I am.
I tell him that I have come from the future.
H.G.: “The future? Say, that is an interesting idea. Someone who can move through time. Speaking of writing,that would make for an interesting book. Don’t you think?”

I return to the present, depressed.

January 21, 2005
I realize I’m doing this all wrong. I should go to the future. Get the book report, I have already written, and than take it back to the past! The present! You know before the due date.

October 26, 2056
Overshot by a bit much.
I am so sick of my mix tape. I was sick of it the first time. But after fifty years? You can understand, if I am a bit on edge.
I assumed that the future would be infinitely more complex. Really is much simpler and I suppose it makes just as much sense to imagine that human society would work to make everything simpler rather than more complex.
The fundamental unit of currency is the ‘Ice Cube.’ I load my pockets with these, as proof of my adventure when I return to 2005, but also because I find them very helpful in cooling off room temperature drinks.

February 28, 2005
I meet my future self, who has already had his book report returned to him. He got a C-, the slacker. That’s good enough for me, though. So, I take my future self’s essay and run.

February 18, 2005
I submit my paper on The Time Machine.

February 28, 2005
My paper is returned to me with a C-. I feel like this doesn’t reflect the amount of effort I have put in. I tell the teacher so.
On the way out of my professor’s office, a young man (handsome, introspective and yet obviously ambitious) steals my book report. It doesn’t really matter since I’ve already received my grade. But it was still a painful reminder of how tough you have to be in this world.

October 3, 802, 701
I call a meeting. I persuade the Eloi and Morlock to live peaceably together. I warn them not to go back to their old ways.
I look at them and say “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

DAD: Yes, I was in the shower.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: I was dirty. The shower gets me clean.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does the shower get me clean?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the water washes the dirt away when I use soap.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why do I use soap?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the soap grabs the dirt and lets the water wash it off.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does the soap grab the dirt?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because soap is a surfactant.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why is soap a surfactant?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: That is an EXCELLENT question. Soap is a surfactant because it forms water-soluble micelles that trap the otherwise insoluble dirt and oil particles.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does soap form micelles?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Soap molecules are long chains with a polar, hydrophilic head and a non-polar, hydrophobic tail. Can you say ‘hydrophilic’?

SARAH: Aidrofawwic

DAD: And can you say ‘hydrophobic’?

SARAH: Aidrofawwic

DAD: Excellent! The word ‘hydrophobic’ means that it avoids water.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why does it mean that?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: It’s Greek! ‘Hydro’ means water and ‘phobic’ means ‘fear of’. ‘Phobos’ is fear. So ‘hydrophobic’ means ‘afraid of water’.

SARAH: Like a monster?

DAD: You mean, like being afraid of a monster?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: A scary monster, sure. If you were afraid of a monster, a Greek person would say you were gorgophobic.

(pause)

SARAH: (rolls her eyes) I thought we were talking about soap.

DAD: We are talking about soap.

(longish pause)

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why do the molecules have a hydrophilic head and a hydrophobic tail?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: Because the C-O bonds in the head are highly polar, and the C-H bonds in the tail are effectively non-polar.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Because while carbon and hydrogen have almost the same electronegativity, oxygen is far more electronegative, thereby polarizing the C-O bonds.

SARAH: Why?

DAD: Why is oxygen more electronegative than carbon and hydrogen?

SARAH: Yes.

DAD: That’s complicated. There are different answers to that question, depending on whether you’re talking about the Pauling or Mulliken electronegativity scales. The Pauling scale is based on homo- versus heteronuclear bond strength differences, while the Mulliken scale is based on the atomic properties of electron affinity and ionization energy. But it really all comes down to effective nuclear charge. The valence electrons in an oxygen atom have a lower energy than those of a carbon atom, and electrons shared between them are held more tightly to the oxygen, because electrons in an oxygen atom experience a greater nuclear charge and therefore a stronger attraction to the atomic nucleus! Cool, huh?

(pause)

SARAH: I don’t get it.

DAD: That’s OK. Neither do most of my students.

Wut up, tortoise? You think you’re all that ’cause you can swim really well and stuff? Well, sorry to disappoint you, son, but I can swim really well, too. Sucka. I need to wear water wings, on account I’m scared of deep water, but that’s still swimming. So bite me, fool.

Ooo, shark, what big sharp teeth you have! Too bad four out of five dentists think you’re a doophis. Boo-ya!

“Arf! Arf! Look at me: I’m a big fat sea lion! I can wave hello with my big fat flipper and spin a beach ball on my big fat nose. Arf! Arf!” Shoot, you ain’t nothin’—nothing but a seal that needs to lose mad weight. That’s right: you need to go on a diet, boy. I’m on Weight Watchers, chump. I got, like, eleven points left for today, too. Gonna get me a yogurt pop. Jealous? Ha-ha. Loser.

Hold up, octopus: you did not just call me “your bitch” because no way in hell I’m your bitch. I ain’t no invertebrate’s bitch. You’re my bitch, octobitch. That’s right, wut you gonna do about it? Huh? Wut? Wut? I didn’t think so. Pussy.

Hey, catfish, Sylvia Plath called: she wants her depression back. Snap out of it, sad sack. I didn’t pay seventeen bucks to watch some half fish/half cat have a nervous breakdown. Been there, done that, fish.

Yo, hottie cleaning the seal tank: me likes what me see. What you say after you finish scrubbing seal feces off that rock we kick this joint and go dutch on some daiquiris? No? Okay, whatever then. I was just jokin. Shoot, no way I’d go out with you. Think I might be gay, anyway. So later for you!

Penguins suck!

Well, what do we have here? Looks like a lazy-ass starfish. Is it hard work sitting on your lazy ass eating crud off that rock all day long? Shoot, that I ain’t hard. I used to do that all the time back when I was living with my mom. Got my own place now, though. Still get lonely at times, but all in all I’m a lot happier. [Sigh].

Papa Lion (Carl)

First off, that tree we were lying around in the shade by, that wasn’t even our tree. The producers literally brought in that tree and told us it was going to be our new tree. They said our tree—the tree we’ve lay under for years—“didn’t have a river view” and was “a little smaller than what we were looking for.” This was all said to me in front of my kids, I might add. Real class act that Discovery Channel!

Just like any family we like to have our place look clean, so we moved all the twigs and tried to flatten out some nice spots. We worked hard for over three hours, but did any of that stuff make the final cut? No way, José. They just showed me lying by the trunk of the tree resting my back and cleaning myself. We were cleaning and my damn sciatica starting acting up. I can’t be on my feet as much as I used to. Betty knows that. The kids know that. But I come off as some lazy bum who just lies there and yawns all the time. You know, they were telling me to yawn! Do you really think lions yawn that much? Think again, Bub.

Goddamn Hollywood. I didn’t even want to do this from the get go. I knew it would end up like this. Filmmakers and their agendas. I’d rather leave the kids with a poacher than a documentary filmmaker.

Mama Lion (Betty)

Carl is really all bent up about this. He was on us for weeks prior, showing us how to behave and whatnot. I must say, the kids were really good about it—I think they were excited, you know, being on TV and all. Halfway through the shooting Carl knew something was up. The director kept having the kids “play fight,” and that got the kids going and pretty soon Carl was yelling at us all. “We’re a family!” he kept saying. “Now goddamn it, let’s act like one!”

I will say that when they had Carl mount me, like I was his play thing or something, that really got me upset—and I don’t anger easily. That director just kept on saying that they needed some good mating shots and the stuff they were getting was great stuff. That’s all the kept saying, “Oh yeah, great stuff. Really great stuff.” Carl is usually much more of a romancer. And it’s never in front of the kids like that.

Brother Lion (Tommy)

So like, I tell everyone by the grassy plains and everyone by the river that we’re going to be on TV and boy, was that ever a mistake. We all looked like chumps. It’s all in the editing. Sure, I guess I must have chased a couple zebras and gazelles before I caught one, but they just played my missed attempts all in a row—like two weeks worth of chasing—and talked about how sometimes we are unsuccessful. What the eff! Everybody by the river has been on me about that, calling me Wendy and telling me I hunt like girl. And when I did get one, they ran out of film and told me I had to do it again. So that last zebra that you see, they brought that guy in. He was old and slow and it was like, embarrassing chasing him down. I actually didn’t even want to do it. Mama said she actually knew that zebra, they took a ceramics class together or something—but they made me do it. I like it better when it’s just those old Land Rovers piled with wealthy people with hats and scarves on their heads taking pictures and clapping.

Sister Lion (Tiffany)

They took shots of me pooping! Can you believe that? Get a life! I was all the way over by the far shrubs, doing my business—my business!—and I turn and notice everybody right there behind me. One guy who was holding this huge mirror thing, reflecting light on my behind, was giggling. Getting his kicks. Becky and Vanessa say that that is an invasion of privacy and I can get all those guys fired. Becky said that her cousin’s best friend knows this crocodile and she got this guy fired for touching her where she didn’t give him permission to touch.

Those shots of me and Tommy cleaning each other! Fakes! We’re family, we don’t do that stuff. Gross! That was me and Todd Sherman. We were dating, but now Mama won’t let me see him and when I finally snuck off and found him he was all, “I don’t clean girls who poop on camera” and stuff. And those shots of me with like, my whole head in the zebra, they told me they stopped filming and I could dig in. I hadn’t eaten in days. The buffet they had set up was horrible—little sandwiches and salads—I was starving.