PART III OF VI
AUGUST 8, 2005
5 HOT SCIENCE-Y GUYS.
by Melissa Bell
1. Sir Martin Rees
I dont know if this guys straight or gay, and I dont care. Hes got a certain polished appeal going on, and hes the freaking Astronomer Royal for crying out loud. What does that mean, you ask? How does that make him any more special than any other astronomer besides the Royal part? Well, look, if I have to explain that, it would mean one of us would have to do some research. And Im tired. I just got in from a party. But I do know that this guys been busy studying multi-universes and I like to just sit and think about those kinds of things every once in a while, usually every Friday or Saturday night, even if QEII probably doesnt even know who he is when he shows up at her Christmas brunch or whatever she puts her people through every year. I mean, who doesnt like to entertain the possibility that while were stuck in this one stupid world eating another boring salad without cheese and struggling to keep our skirt size in the single digits, somewhere in some other universe Bono is President, and Im making a fantastic risotto for me and Brad Pitt and Richard Feynman.
2. Brad Pitt
Nice try, Bell, youre thinking. Way to inappropriately segue the Bradmeister into the list. Well you just pipe down and leave me alone. The Bradmeister (as if I would ever, ever call him that, thank you very much, unless he wanted me to) is apprenticing as an actual architect (with some cat named Frank Gehry or whatever). How many other actors can you name over the age of 40 who go and try to learn something constructive during their downtime instead of buggering off and nurturing their other dimensions in C-grade rock bands and Krazy Kults (Im looking at both of you misters, Crowe and Cruise). So does architecture qualify as a science or an artform? Look, why are you so bitter about Brad Pitt anyway? Jealous? Haha, thought so! Well just thank your lucky stars that crap movies leave the premises after a week or two. Crap buildings can stick around for a lifetime.
Good for all of us that Mr. Pitt is pursuing his dream of trying to beautify the planet through proper design engineering so he just doesnt take all that money of his and mess up the landscape building kooky weird stuff like the above.
3. Dr. Gregory House
Okay, so technically this guy isnt even real; hes a TV character on a medical series that debuted this year. But damn, this guy is very hot in that quietly gorgeous British way. Oh yeah, the actor is a Brit. Remember Blackadder? Yes, thats him - no not the Mr. Bean guy, the other one. No, I didnt know it either until I was Googling the show, and then I gave myself a good smack on the forehead. (Hey, thats two British guys on the Hot list and neither one of them is Prince William or Beckham.) Anyway, other than the quietly gorgeous and great-at-not-sounding-British thing that is Hugh Laurie, the character of Dr. Gregory House is hardly Patch Adams (thank heavens). Hes a drug addict, limps horribly (i.e. not going to be much help at the cottage), always has a smart-ass remark about everything, and by the looks of that beard, his hygiene is probably better studied at a distance. Still. We love the bad boys, dont we, ladies? So hes hot. Watch the show. Its good, too.
4. Alton Brown
Its nice how he explains things. Yes, his show, Good Eats, is unbearably goofy at times, and for such a smart guy, I find myself wincing with discomfort at the bad puns and contrived infotainment shenanigans. Alton, give it to us straight up and on the rocks, babe! Its you whos the twist, mister! Can it with the cornball and union-scale supporting cast of cheesy actors and just do your thing. This is one guy who knows what hes doing. Yes, it happens to be cooking, and if you dont think cooking involves a degree of scientific knowledge, then chances are you wind up having to eat out a lot or depend on others to feed you. How sad. But Alton will explain the magic of food preparation to you, my hungry friend. Using simple diagrams, and nicely suitable props, Alton will tell you exactly why you cant get any yolk in your soon-to-be-whipped egg whites so that the next time you brag on and on about how you could probably make just as good an angel food cake as your brother if you had a recipe, you wont be so darn careless and ruin somebodys birthday party, you hapless fool. Anyway. Follow his simple rib eye steak methodology to the letter, and it will improve every quality of your life forever. Jeez, what more does anybody really want out of anybody?
5. Richard Feynman
Was this guy adorably sexy or what? How many Nobel laureates can you say that about? Well heres a guess: zero. But you can say it about Professor Feynman. Too bad hes dead, is another thing I say. He could juggle, play the bongos, and safecrack with the best of them. Students must have thrown panties at Dr. Feynmans lectures. Or at least thought about it. But even if they did, you know hed be so charming and cool about it and work those thrown panties into his discussions on nanotechnology, and the next thing you know, you would spend all the rest of the next week learning everything you possibly could about everything nanotechnological in the world, just so that maybe, just maybe, if you were drunk enough, but obviously not too much youre a hardworking student, remember? - youd have the courage to raise your hand at the next class and hopefully, hopefully ask him an intelligent question. And he would respond by saying, Well, really, thats one of those things thats best discussed over dinner. And the class would laugh. But he would hold your gaze while you bit your lip, while you wondered whether or not he was really serious
Should be Bartoromeo doncha think? Oh wait. Youre still wondering Who the hell is this guy? Relax, Ill tell you. Hes the electrician on TLCs In a Fix. Well, you should watch it. Yes, hes an electrician. (Electricity. Thats science, so leave me alone, will you please?) His bio says he also enjoys cooking/baking and going to garage sales. If he had said his favourite movie is Gone With the Wind I would have to assume hes probably married to someone named Jeremy or Stefan, but the bio does mention a former girlfriend (who once entered him in an underwear contest) so Im going to assume hes straight, okay? Which means hes pretty much the Worlds Most Perfect Man. Unless youre gay. Which means you probably think hes gay because all the gay men I know think everybodys gay. Well whatever. Say what you will about whomever. I love Sparky. Lets both love Sparky.
Did Not Make the Cut:
Bill Nye Well he is The Science Guy and all that. But the bowtie look isnt sexy, unless youre Brad Pitt and youre wearing a tux. Just because youre all science-y and stuff, you dont have to look like you spend more money on Battlestar Gallactica trading cards than you do on hair product. Sorry, but Albert Einstein gets on this list before The Science Guy does. (And Mr. Nyes website bugged me a LOT. Jeez. No, I dont want to download anything, thank you. Stop making it do all that crazy stuff. Damn, thats so annoying!)
Melissa Bell lives in Toronto. She is still bitter that she never received a chemistry set for Christmas, but is at least beginning to accept that her parents probably knew what they were doing. Some places her writing has appeared include online with McSweeneys and in print with Flesh & Blood.
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