Dear National Science Foundation,

I was happy to read that you’ve launched a new transformative R01 program to support “exceptionally innovative, original or unconventional” investigator-initiated research. It’s about time! I’m here in the lab in my parents’ basement and look forward to hearing back from you or the President or Congress on these proposals that clearly merit funding.


“Finding a cure for the ice cream headache.”

In our lifetime we can beat this debilitating condition. The work is intensive and requires commitment so I’ll ask everyone to wear a brown, pink, and white rubber bracelet while my team and I focus in the lab and on the charity circuit.

($4,980,000,000 over ten years)


“Adding new elements to the periodic table.”

These should be qualitative and less-sciencey: Laid-back (Lb), Optimism (O), and Excited (!).”

($319,000,000 over two years)


“The Prescription Windshield.”

My glasses prescription (bifocals) built right into a new car windshield. I’m holding onto the commercialization rights because this is going to be a goldmine. LensCrafters and Pep Boys will probably merge so buy lots of shares of both. Also, the person riding shotgun will be blind so don’t count on them for directions.

($82,000,000 through next March)


“What’s the difference between stalagmites and stalactites?”

I’ll go into a cave and find out.

($6,515,000 over three years plus snacks)


“The Mikey Principle: If you eat Pop Rocks and Drink Coke at the same time, will your stomach explode?”

I’ll need one pack Pop Rocks, one can Coke, safety goggles, and the number of a good gastroenterologist.



“A study of time dependent oscillation asymmetries in neutral B decays at Y(4S) using the axion linear accelerator beam line.”

This has been on my mind for a while.

(I’m hoping I can just borrow a linear accelerator for the afternoon)


“Uranus? Yer not kiddin’!”

A petition to give all the planets new names that are much more interesting and titillating.

($93,000,000,000 over six years)


“Understanding the mysterious and exciting shark.”

Here I’ll need a 103″ Pioneer PDP-5020FD plasma television, basic cable, and an assistant to clear my schedule during Shark Week.

(About forty grand)


“The effects of weightlessness on Flip Jaeger.”

Can’t do this one without a ride on the Space Shuttle.

($12,300,000 plus a week at Space Camp)



Cell phones, remote controls, and computers with very large buttons and a simple interface that old people can use without accidentally calling 911 when trying to open the garage door.

($772,000,000,000 over fifteen years)


“Irrefutably proving it’s creationism, not evolution.”

Pretty clear-cut. The science requires a Bible and the unshakable belief that I’m really, really, really right.