There once was a young man named Darwin Who spent five years tossed to the far wind He wrote a book for his peers After only twenty short years And now he’s as pop as George Carlin. They say we all came from a monkey But I say that theory is bunky Because as anyone knows Who talks with creationist pros That some people are closer to donkey. Asked the petrified School Board of Kansas: “I wonder why everyone slams us?” The answer it seemed As if from space it were beamed Was: when God gave out brains, they were…
The Science Creative Quarterly
By vincelicata
Vince LiCata is a biochemist in the Department of Biological Sciences at the Louisiana State University. His laboratory studies protein structure and function. He owns two Britney Spears CDs, but one of them is an illegal copy given to him by one of his students. He routinely gives out more than 25% A’s in his General Biochemistry and Biophysical Chemistry courses, yet is considered a hard-ass. He is reasonably sure that if Britney Spears got in a fight with Jessica Simpson, that BS would crack JS like a little twig.
LITTLE ASSISTANT PROFESSOR ANNIE
A Christmas Play Characters: Interim Chairman Hannigan: runs the department with an iron fist Assistant Professor Annie Assistant Professor Molly Assistant Professor Pepper Assistant Professor Derek Assistant Professor Oliver Twist Sandy, a graduate student Dean Grantbucks Dr. Farrell, Daddy Grantbucks’ Assistant Dean Note: Except when they are singing (in synchrony) or when they say “Yes, Chairman Hannigan” in synchrony, most of the lines for “Other Assistant Profs” or “All Assistant Profs” should be said like a crowd scene – i.e. not in synchrony, but overlapping and random, with different people speaking different lines all at once.) Production note: Karaoke versions…
SUPER-BRANDING HITS MOLECULAR BIOLOGY
1. Mass Spectrometry, now with an iDock! 2. X-ray crystallography, now with a Sears automatic ice-maker! 3. SDS-Polyacrylamide gel electrophoresis, now with Tide! 4. Differential Scanning Calorimetry, now with a Starbucks espresso maker! 5. UV/Vis Spectrophotometry, now with Coppertone sunblock! 6. Automated DNA Sequencing, now with 200 free anytime minutes a month from Verizon! 7. Ultracentrifugation, now with a Cuisinart fruit smoothie accessory! 8. PCR, now with Velveeta cheese! 9. NMR, now with MRI and CGI from IBM! 10. Radioactivity, now with fluorescence!
A NON-COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF 10 WAYS PHYSICAL CHEMISTS MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE COMPLICATED
10. This list is in octal for theoretical reasons that are currently un-testable by any known technique. 7. You always feel “dirty” when you use an approximation, or round to three significant figures. 6. For a while you believed that there really were practical applications for the Schrödinger equation. That’s four months of your life you’ll never get back. 5. Entropy. 4. Unexplained headaches can be induced by any field with over six ways to define an apparently simple concept, like the radius of a molecule. And don’t even ask about viscosity, unless you’ve pre-dosed yourself with ibuprofen. 3. Statistical…
MIRACLE ON THE 34TH REPLICATE
A Christmas Play – – – Characters: Dr. Macy: a young female scientist Dr. Terrell: the ex-chairman of the department Charles Darwin: looking a bit like Santa Dr. Fred Gimble: Macy’s boyfriend Geemo: Macy’s daughter The Recombinant DNA BioSafety Committee Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Vader, and the Invisible Man (Macy is in the lab, working.) Macy (on the phone): Yes, I know what time it is. (Pause) I’ll go home when I’m done – I mean, when she’s done. (She covers the phone and speaks to a flask full of media. ) This time it’ll work honey. I’m sure of it.…
OTHER POSSIBLE CAUSES OF GLOBAL WARMING: A LITERATURE REVIEW
Critics of pollution/industrial by-product origins for Global Warming most often cite two major alternative causes for the effect: 1) the sun; and 2) volcanoes. A comprehensive examination of the scientific literature, however, reveals a number of less frequently cited alternative models for the origins of Global Warming. Herein is a list of these often over-looked, but potentially important alternative causation theories. – – – 1. Mrs. Edwina Price (582 West Paramus Street, Apartment 2D, Cleveland, Ohio). Although there is some conflicting evidence, many studies have documented the fact that Mrs. Edwina Price has left her oven on continuously since 1942.…
SELECTED EXAMPLES OF WHAT YOU WILL LEARN AT THE BLACK HOLE HUMOR WORKSHOP
– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Black holes are a captivating subject for any audience. At the Advanced Physics Laboratory’s Black Hole Humor Workshop, you will absorb high level content and assimilate effective strategies for incorporating black hole humor into any social or professional situation. With an effective repertoire of scintillating black hole humor, you will become the gravitational center of any room. Here are just a few examples from our two day workshop: – – – 1) Riddles: How do you flatter a black hole? Tell it that it sucks. What did the macho black hole say to the less…
A MISPLACED CHAPTER FROM THE BOOK OF GENESIS
– FROM THE ARCHIVE – And lo, it came to be that God was sitting around in his Lazy-God recliner one quiet millennium, and He sayeth unto His Godlike self: “God is bored and needs some entertainment.” And lo, God created the Earth and all it’s inhabitants without getting up from the Lazy-God chair, even whence God needed the occasional short beer break while working, still He did not leave His chair, but simply reached into His Almighty Demi-God Fridge which He always keepeth beside the Lazy-God chair. Late in the week, as one Godlike afternoon twinkled into evening, God…
LIMERICKS OF EVOLUTION
– FROM THE ARCHIVE – – – – There once was a young man named Darwin Who spent five years tossed to the far wind He wrote a book for his peers After only twenty short years And now he’s as pop as George Carlin. They say we all came from a monkey But I say that theory is bunky Because as anyone knows Who talks with creationist pros That some people are closer to donkey. Asked the petrified School Board of Kansas: “I wonder why everyone slams us?” The answer it seemed As if from space it were beamed…