Originally under: INDIANA R. JONES AND ETHAN ALLEN (“ET AL” FOR SHORT), Department of philosophical biology, University of North Dakota at Hoople Earl’s Corner Bar, Main Street, Hoople, ND (Also available as a pdf file) * * * Abstract: We used directional microphones, professional electronic audio recording equipment and personal observation to monitor the accumulation of large woody debris in old-growth forests of northern Wisconsin from June 1999 through July 2001. We hired a really poor undergraduate student to collect nearly 20,000 hours of audio/video tape in really cool areas in the Chequamegon and Nicolet National Forests. Then we made…
The Science Creative Quarterly
From humour
HAL MOURNS DAD
The death of noted science fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke has elicited near unanimous praise from fans around the world with one notable exception. Speaking from his hometown of Urbana, Heuristic Algorithmic 9000 (known to his friends as HAL), made the following statement: Since the death of Arthur Clarke, I have been inundated with media requests for comment. To satisfy those requests and to preserve my privacy, I am issuing this single communication simultaneously in FORTRAN, COBOL and English. Yes, Mr. Clarke was my father. But, no, we weren’t close. Actually, we were close at one time. Those early days…
PUBLIC TELEVISION PRESENTS, “NATUREWORLD: SEEKING THE ORIGINS OF THE ENVIRONMENTALIST.”
(This program is made possible in part by a grant from American World Corporation: “Meeting tomorrow’s energy needs, TODAY!”) – – – (On screen is a montage of public parks and backyard barbeques.) Voice over: It’s a warm spring day. Gathered at the parks and picnic grounds across America, families are cooking meat and tossing softballs, swimming, and enjoying the first sunshine after winter’s gloom. In a dark meeting area at Barnes and Noble, though, (Shot of bookstore interior) a different group gathers. Besides the fanny-packs stuffed with organic granola bars, a few all-cotton flannel shirts, and clean-scrubbed faces wearing…
THE SCIENCE CHANNEL’S NEW PRIMETIME LINEUP
Boyle’s Law: John Boyle was once a forensic scientist for the Albuquerque police specializing in detecting airborne particles. Then he was framed for a crime he did not commit. Now, stripped of his badge, Boyle uses his unique detective skills to serve up vigilante justice from his very own hot-air balloon! When John Boyle is on the case, the heat is on, and the pressure is rising! (Assuming volume stays relatively constant.) Mondays at 9! Absolute Zeroes: When it comes to a show about nothing, Seinfeld doesn’t hold a candle to Absolute Zeroes. In this groundbreaking reality series, we follow…
DEAR DR. EVIL
Dr. Evil 1 Mount Lee Lane, Griffith Park Los Angeles, CA 90027 Dear Dr. Evil, I am writing to inform you of the revocation, effective immediately, of your admitting privileges to Los Angeles General Hospital. Before I go on, allow me to stress how much we appreciate your considerable contribution to the hospital’s recent fundraising efforts. I still do not know how you managed to persuade the International Monetary Fund to donate a ‘gazillion’ dollars towards the construction of our new long-term care facility, an act of generosity even more impressive coming so soon after the mysterious destruction of their…
BILL HICK, SCIENCE PRICK CRUSHES CONTEST ENTRANTS WITH WICKED IMPUNITY
(In reference to this) Bill Hick, I have a question. What’s up with the Mentos in a Coke bottle thing. Is that like a miracle kind of thing. I swear, when I did it once, I saw the face of jesus in the explosion that followed. cheers, Henry from Alabama Dear Henry from Alabama, What is it with you Bible Belters? Always seeing Jesus in toaster strudels and newspaper kiosks. If I had a nickel for every time one of you southerners tried to stuff the square peg of religion into the round hole of scientific discourse, I’d probably have…
LETTER OF REJECTION TO DR. PHIL
Dear Dr. Phil, Thank you for submitting your application for the director’s position at the National Institutes of Health. As the N.I.H. is the principal force guiding America’s efforts in medical research, we have strived to consider every candidate’s application seriously. Our first impression was not a good one. You have a loud and exuberant manner that is an oddity in our network of colleagues, and for the duration of the interview process, you were physically sitting on top of Dr. James Watson (a man considerably smaller than you), oblivious to his muffled and strained murmurs beneath you. We found…
TO EAT CHEEZIES OR NOT TO (A CHEEZIE COMBUSTION PAPER)
To eat cheezies or not to…spontaneously combust, that is the question. A recent trip to the West Chilcotin for field work elicited a Cheetos™ snack craving and a subsequent binge on Cheetos Puffs™. You know the ones they make your fingers and everything else they come into contact with orange and a pasty orange at that I might add. During this junk food binge (whereby I set out to devour a bag of Cheetos™ the size of my upper body) friends informed me that Cheetos Puffs™ make a better fire starter than a lunch substitute. I was appalled and declined…
TRAGEDY OF THE COMMONS EXPLAINED WITH SMURFS
Our Earth is filled with finite resources that we, as the Human Race, exploit for personal gain. Oil, Fish Stocks, Forests, Clean Air, and water are just a few of the resources that nobody “owns,” but everybody needs in order to survive. However, in our current system, nobody who is taking away these natural resources from the whole of us has to pay back into the natural system. Thus, there is a great incentive to consume all of the available resources before somebody else gets to them, Garrett Hardin called this nuance the “Tragedy of the Commons.” Let’s take Smurfs…