Fear of Commitment (FoC) is a normal relationship-induced phenomenon that has plagued scientists for years. FoC is characterized by intense avoidance of, and discomfort caused by, all activities which imply commitment within a relationship, such as the co-carrying of shopping bags (usually coupled with the co-pushing of shopping carts) at grocery stores, the unsolicited giving of flowers and chocolates, the lending and borrowing of car keys, the leaving of toothbrushes in the other party’s living quarters, and most significantly, the request to move in with the other party and/or to relocate with the other party. These commitment-implying activities, broadly categorized…

Critics of pollution/industrial by-product origins for Global Warming most often cite two major alternative causes for the effect: 1) the sun; and 2) volcanoes. A comprehensive examination of the scientific literature, however, reveals a number of less frequently cited alternative models for the origins of Global Warming. Herein is a list of these often over-looked, but potentially important alternative causation theories. – – – 1. Mrs. Edwina Price (582 West Paramus Street, Apartment 2D, Cleveland, Ohio). Although there is some conflicting evidence, many studies have documented the fact that Mrs. Edwina Price has left her oven on continuously since 1942.…

This is a call for outstanding candidates to apply for a tenure track assistant professor position within the context of the Department of [subject name] at the [institution name]. The successful applicant is expected to work in areas of interest to current faculty members, to interact with related groups within our network and to have demonstrated ability in producing research material of excellent quality and interest. Due to the competitive nature of this process, we ask that all candidates at the very least meet the following criteria: The candidate’s current area of specialty must contain at least fourteen syllables. The…

Human nature is complex, fickle and strange. But there is one constant in people’s mercurial ways: people like to have things named after themselves. If you have a lot of money, this is straightforward: buildings and bridges are up for sale. If you were born a few hundred years ago, you could even get a country named after you. Even science is a naming goldmine: asteroids, species, cellular organelles, chemical elements. The list goes on. Those are all very interesting and nice, but somewhat everyday and mundane. And frankly, they all involve work. What you’re clamoring for is something lofty,…

The worlds of science and mathematics were sent into turmoil yesterday, with the shock revelation that Integration had been made up by science over a century ago. “I never meant any harm”, confessed the abstract concept of science, which spontaneously materialised to call a press conference. “You have to understand the level of competition back then, the types of pressure I was under. Differentiation was a huge success, and all eyes were on me to come up with another mathematical hit.” “Sure, it started off easy enough”, Science continued, adjusting its extremely thick glasses, “I just thought `Let’s do differentiation…

Executive Board of the Leicester School of Design – – – Minutes of the Special Board Meeting to consider name change (16 September 2007) (Executive Conference Room, Spiro Agnew Memorial Library) – – – Members Present: Leopold Judd (chair), Juleph Altinson, Phillard Arbruster, C. Tony Catalonotonino, Judith Clemence, Alin Forebright (emeritus – non-voting), John Jones Johnson, Lester Wempnicke, Horace Zeel Absent: Ford Numble, Zevon Nguyen (student member – non-voting) Proceedings: Meeting called to order by Chair Judd, at 11:07 am. Last month’s meeting minutes approved, with amendments. Judith Clemence motions to table all other pending business, and to cede the…