I. The ability of the common gray squirrel to act both as a particle and as a wave is a trait commonly observed yet not often remarked upon. Any human observer of this species will most likely perceive only the physical, or particle, behaviors of this alluring creature, and forgo its unusual and unsubstantiated (literally) wave properties. Of course, any scientist with half a brain, given that this half still holds the basic capabilities of reasoning and an extension to allow the half-brained individual an output of his/her perceptions, will know [and be able to state (or at least output)…
The Science Creative Quarterly
From humour
SO YOU WANT TO BE A MARINE BIOLOGIST?
(In honour of a new science scout badge) The “I’m a marine biologist and, to be honest, I kind of hate dolphins” badge. – – – So you want to be a marine biologist? Well sonny, or sonnette, as the case may be, why don’t you just sit down and let a real marine biologist give you some damn good advice. And wipe that smirk off your face, sit up straight and for goodness sakes stop fidgeting! You’d think you had lice the way you are carrying on. You do? Oh well, never mind. First of all there are three…
METRICS: THE RICHTER SCALE
Measures: Earthquake magnitude. This is a logarithmic scale, plotting greatest displacement from 0 on seismometer after event occurs. Range: 0 to 10+ Reference measurements: 0 – 3.4 This is normal. The first step in assessing earthquake severity is determining whether other people are noticing the Earth move as well. If only you seem to be experiencing the Earth moving, you are likely drunk or having an orgasm or both. 3.5 Not usually felt, but will be recorded. Earthquakes of this magnitude are often the result of office horseplay occurring too close to the seismometer (“Dude – careful!”). 3.6 – 4.5…
AN ANGRY RANT ON THE SUBJECT OF SUPERSTRING THEORY
Superstring theory is hot with scientists trying to understand the entire nature of the universe (as opposed to, say, inventing a way to block cellphone reception in cinemas). The idea is that all the particles and forces in the universe are different notes on appallingly tiny strings. A key tenet of this theory is that there are at least ten dimensions, that’s six more than the four we can access, but that the others can’t be measured or in any way observed because they’re too small. Seriously, that’s the entire argument. And an invisible and untouchable dog ate their homework.…
THE REASON IS MATH: BUSH EDIT
My Fellow Americans. I speak to you today on a matter of great importance, a matter that affects the very fabric of our nationhood. You no doubt know that it is the intention of the White House to increase America’s military engagement in Iraq – more bluntly, to send in even more of our fine citizens into the area. Today, I would like to speak to you, the American people, on why we have chosen such a route. I would like to speak to you on why we feel this is the best route – a hard but worthy choice…
DR SCIENCE AND ME
As a real scientist, I have hated the “Ask Dr. Science” humorous newspaper column ever since I was a small child. I mean, this man, this “Dr. Science,” who writes the column is obviously deranged: a compulsive liar who seems to know almost nothing about science. In contrast, I was almost a child genius who graduated from Harvard with a Ph.D. in theoretical physics at age 17 (note to editor: please be careful not to delete the word “almost”). But, did anyone give me a nationally syndicated column called “Ask Dr. Science”? Need I answer that question? The “Ask Dr.…
METRICS: THE CELCIUS
Metric: Celsius Measures: Primarily the vibrational and rotational kinetic energy of atoms (you know, hotness). Range: -273.15oC. This is known as absolute zero, a temperature at which nothing could be colder. Some Irishman named Kelvin came up with a scale that started 0 from this value, but basically had the same increments as the Celsius scale. He then substituted “degrees Celsius” with “Kelvins”.** -40oC. Where the Celsius scale intersects with the Fahrenheit temperature metric (i.e. -40oC = -40oF). This temperature is as frosty as Canada/U.S. relations. -20oC. Witch’s teat territory. 0oC. On a day where the freezing mark is reached,…
THE MURPHY’S LAW EQUATION
There are many laws in the physical sciences, most of which have mathematical equations that govern them. Widely know laws such as the laws of electricity and magnetism, have Maxwell’s equations. Fluid-flow is governed by the Navier-Stokes equations, and of course everyone is familiar with Einstein’s energy to mass relation, E=mc2. Why then does an equally relevant and useful law, Murphy’s Law, have no such foundational equation? In what follows I present an equation to predict the outcome of Murphy’s Law. The law, in its simplest form, states: “If anything can possibly go wrong, it will, and at the worst…
THE ELDERSBY MODEL: A SUCCESSFUL GRAND UNIFICATION THEORY
Last last Tuesday, a successful Grand Unification Theory (GUT) was accidentally found by a Mrs Eldersby of 29 Pennyfarthing Lane, London. Despite her having no formal training in any science discipline, and the fact that the solution was arrived upon by a series of highly unscientific events, the Eldersby Model – as it is being called – has attracted much media and academic attention. In what experts claim is the first ever Proof by Accident, Eldersby laid down the basic Mathematical principles of what appears to be a successful unified field theory while attempting to medicate her cat and bake…