A new edition of the laws of physics was released yesterday evening, with sweeping consequences for people everywhere. Anxiety was widespread on campuses around the world as the new laws took effect. Students awoke this morning to a number of inexplicable changes, such as a gravitational constant that had more than doubled, and water that freezes only between 17°C and 19°C. The scene was one of chaos as students attempted to comprehend and function under the new laws. Pinned to the ground by the increased gravity, one bewildered student kept blubbering “I just don’t understand it.” When questioned, however, he…

You don’t need to be a scientist, you don’t even need to have a college education. Anyone can do it. Just follow these 10 simple rules: 1) Select the Social Sciences discipline of your choice: History, Anthropology, or Linguistics, whatever makes you tick. 2) Make up an outrageous hypothesis. Whatever crosses your mind – no matter how stupid it sounds – will be fine. For instance, you can argue that Man never set foot on the moon, that Eskimos have millions of words for snow, or that the real author of special relativity is Einstein’s wife. These are the kind…

(Congratulations are in order for Mike, our winner of the science humour writing plus caption contest!) Are you doomed? There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to consult a colour-coded chart. Take, for example, the Torino Scale, which astronomers use to express the likelihood of an asteroid hitting the Earth. Asteroid impacts are believed to be responsible for several mass extinctions – just ask the dinosaurs (oh wait, you can’t) – and it’s only a matter of time until another killer rock gets lucky. So check the Torino Scale regularly and act accordingly. Threat Level: Green No likelihood…

Sir Francis Bacon, British philosopher, essayist, and scientific revolution advocate (1561 – 1626): Quite a few of them are dead. B.L.T., sandwich: A lot depends on whether the lettuce and tomato count as one degree. Bacon County, Georgia: Geographically speaking, could get you as far as Florida or South Carolina Canadian Bacon, meat cut: Network probably not as good as Kevin Bacon’s, unless of course you’re referring to pigs. Roger Bacon, Franciscan friar, English philosopher, and one of the earliest advocates of the scientific method (1214 – 1294): Sadly, all dead.

Science has brought us to where we are now: Here. It’s fairly nice here; the air smells vaguely of jasmine, the curtains are delightful – yellow was a good choice – and our lives aren’t nearly as nasty, brutish and short as they once were. That tomato with the face is menacing and it seems a tad warm, but on the whole Here is very pleasant. That doesn’t necessarily mean that Here is the best here there is. Could science have, in a slightly altered environment, ushered us down another path? What would Here be like if humans had evolved…

The latest scientific reports on climate change trot out all the familiar devastating consequences of global warming: Melting ice caps, rising sea levels, shifting weather patterns, super-hurricanes, species extinctions, droughts, drowning polar bears. Now I’m going to tell you something really scary–the single most terrifying threat that global warming poses to mankind, and one you’ve probably never considered. It is so spine-tinglingly dreadful, so blood-curdingly awful, so bone-chillingly horrible that no one on either side of the issue will speak of it. Why? Because it scares the living bejeebers out of them, that’s why. Global warming will bring back the…

March 14, 2007, 3PM: Mildred, the maid leads me onto a sandstone patio, and I have to stop and take in the marvelous view of the San Francisco Bay. Immediately, I know that this is a place for the rich and famous, appropriate for a king or queen perhaps, and certainly fitting for a fast food icon. “It’s a fucking nightmare, that’s what it is.” he says as if it were a matter of fact, shifting heavily in his lawn chair. “Those bastards, the things they do…” His voice unexpectedly trails off. “Sorry,” he looks vacantly at the shimmer bouncing…

The Money-Tree Phenomenon Thanks to rogue geneticists, the arboris gildis tree has emerged in every continent, flying in the face of conventional wisdom, that money does not, in fact, grow on trees. The effects of arboris gildis have been catastrophic, devastating the economy, ruining the soil, and leading to an epidemic of grumbling old-timers. The tree can grow to 15 meters and blooms with a foliage of crisp legal tender. Economic Effects When the plant was first manufactured in Russian laboratories, the United Nations Security Council called an immediate hearing, but debate led only to indecision. Third World nations, led…