I never realized the moonrise was so bloody. It hangs over the hazy lights of the city like an attacking alien planet, looking much more like Mars than Mars, which actually looks like a star, and is only slightly red if you squint really, really hard. Outside the city, on an empty access road, I get the best view I can afford, but even here in the prairies, I am resentful of all the things in my way. I’ve reaffirmed my vague ambition to drive to the desert and sleep under the stars sometime. I can imagine the huddled masses…
The Science Creative Quarterly
The Science Creative Quarterly (SCQ) is not a quarterly, but instead publishes new material at a non-linear rate. Currently, it is sleeping and in a sort of stasis (turpor?) It used to seek science writing of any genre, and your contribution would have involved checking out our submissions guidelines.
The Science Creative Quarterly (SCQ) has a single print edition so far (half SCQ pieces, and half fake science journal – see here for more details). Also, badges?
Stay safe everyone!
GENESIS OF EVOLUTION
Adam and Eve, naked and not smart, sat somewhere in the Garden of Eden. A snake slithered afoot. It said, “Tss, come gorge yourselves upon the forbidden fruit and escape from your self-incarceration in the prison of ignorance.” Adam and Eve looked at each other, shrugged, and started having sex. The snake shook its head and took a pair of quick bites from Adam’s and Eve’s ass cheeks. “Yow!” they yelled. The couple quickly grew afraid and looked upon the snake much the same way they looked upon God. The snake said, “Tss, tss, follow me.” The snake snaked its…
PARENTS AS A NARCOTIC
Last weekend, Candace, Will and I visited my mother. And, while I was there, I realized I was very tired. Granted, I had not slept well the night before, but it suddenly occurred to me that I am often tired when I visit my mother. Then, on the way home, it also occurred to me that I often feel tired when Candace and I visit her father or mother. I brought this up to Candace. I asked her if she thought I had some kind of problem. “Have I developed a mental association with our parents…some self-imposed Pavlovian condition…is it…
SUPERPOSITION
Erwin loved the cat that Niels had given him. Such a lovely cat. He would play records for his cat while he thought and studied deep into the night, and his cat would gently rub against his leg. • When Orpheus laid his eyes upon Eurydice, all else fell away. Though the nuptials were doomed, his fair lyre still sung out the most beauteous chords, so that even the Gods were said to stop and listen. • As Erwin sat at his desk, his eyes and mind became crowded with infinite possibilities. With all of the seemingly impossible theories, though…
JOKES WITHOUT PUNCHLINES TAKEN FROM A CELLULAR BIOLOGY LABORATORY
1. A chemical microbiologist, a pathologist and a clown are flying in a small commuter plane between Kansas City and Omaha. Halfway there, the plane bursts into flames and the pilot bails out. The passengers discover there are only two parachutes. Which one dies? 2. 1,4-dihydro-2,6-dimethyl-4-(2-nitrophenyl)-3,5-pyridinedicarboxylic acid dimethyl ester walks into a bar. On the stools next to it are a leprechaun, a unicorn, and Santa Claus. The bartender has a keg of Guinness, a bag of oats, and a plate of cookies behind the counter. He says to the newcomer, “These three regulars beside you are mean bastards if…
SIX STORIES
For all the movement it was making, it was very silent. For all the movement around it, it was still very silent. At six stories tall, it was, like most New Yorkers, very slender. No longer green, one immediately knows this one has been around the block for many years. When my mother met my father, across the seas, it was here. When the Empire State Building was the tallest of its kind, it was here. When I had my coffee this morning, it was, still, here. When the jackhammers were going in the pre dawn hours today, it shed…
WHAT’S NEW IN SCANTRON TECHNOLOGIES
The Scantron 8950 (A.K.A. “Lil’ Helper”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you arrived at the scantron machine with your stack of answer sheets and realized that you forgot to fill out the answer key? And where is your pencil? Hang on, because help is on the way. The 8900 may not help you remember to fill out your answer keys, but with its elegant pencil holder and built in pencil sharpener, you’ll be able to remedy that in no time. The Scantron 9000 (A.K.A. “The Compassionate One.”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you looked out at your tired,…
SHAFTED AGAIN BY NOBEL
I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics again this year. What’s a guy got to do to win that thing? I was made to win that prize, but for like the umpteenth time in a row I’ve been given the shaft. Annoying! Who cares if I’m not a physixcist or however you spell it? I’ve been doing lots of cool physics-type stuff forever and deserve some recognition and money. Since a teenager I’ve done this kick-ass trick where I put a quarter in each of the palms of my hands and then I quickly slam my hands down against…
WHITE COAT, WRONG TIME
Imagine you’re at Starbucks. You’re halfway through a co-worker’s order (“half sweet, no foam, saffron-scented, opium-spritzed, …”) when two men wearing coveralls come in. You hear them talking about a car they’re fixing. Their garb has grease on it, various stains of indeterminate origin. They saunter up to the till, place their orders, and get their drinks before you because the trainee taking care of your order is running to the Starbucks across the street to find more panda blood for your co-worker’s beverage. Tapping your foot impatiently, you notice that the two guys in coveralls have parked themselves in…