– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Every year, upwards of tens of tens of assistant primatology researchers exchange cutting edge data retrieval techniques, field-based observation protocols, and daring new pants-and-jacket combos at their annual meeting. Usually a coastal locale, San Diego or Stamford, CT, the meetings are a veritable meat market for new blood. The cattle call of interviews is so famous it’s infamous, aspiring primatology assistants stacking their cv’s with just that many untraceable unpaid internship listings and five-letter acronyms. Primatological assistantship has, as a matter of course, become a lucrative and difficult-to-land job, not the least reason for which…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – This manuscript describes some of our recent findings in the exciting new field of quantum thermo-epistemology, a branch of implausibility theory dealing with fundamental questions such as: * Why does toast always land butter-side down? * Why do cars break down only when you need to go somewhere in an emergency? * Why do banks only lend money to people who don’t need it? We have found, surprisingly enough, that these vexing questions do in fact have a scientific answer, and have developed the beginnings of a theory, which is briefly described here. – –…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – May 8th, 1988 I encounter science for the first time during recess. As my friends and I are busy using the magnifying lens that Billy Stewart had gotten for his eighth birthday to burn some sticks, she breaks off from the pack of girls she usually travels around the schoolyard with to tell me that she likes my shoes. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly dislike my shoes as they are brand new and have little zippered compartments where I have carefully secreted away the coins I will later use to buy myself some…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Most parents are anxious to know the meaning of the various cries, groans, and sounds their child makes. Recently a Spanish electronic engineer named Pedro Monagas created a battery-powered device called “Why Cry”. This instrument about the size of a calculator is reportedly able to tell a parent whether their baby’s cry is indicating hunger, sleepiness or tiredness. Mr. Monagas states that his “Why Cry” is 98% accurate. Well I, myself, am considered a kind of “tinkerer”. And, as a new parent I often wonder what all the sounds that my baby makes might mean,…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Concerned over the failing health of Grover, PBS is in a frantic search for a mate for the rare blue species. Grover is presently in poor health. It is, incidentally, the country’s lone blue Grover held in captivity. The rare animal is caged in a pen inside the muppet animal research center in Alexandria, Va., and has been for the past 36 years since his birth. For reasons shrouded in mystery, Grover has shunned mating since he attained adulthood. PBS sources said muppet personnel are actively considering finding a suitable match for Grover, preferably of…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Here are Robert and Virginia. They are interviewing for faculty positions at a small liberal arts college. YOU can interview for a faculty position at a small liberal arts college, too. Robert can talk with Pat the Dean about research with undergraduates. Now YOU talk with Pat the Dean about research with undergraduates. Virginia can give a research talk about clusters of galaxies. Now YOU give a research talk about clusters of galaxies. Robert can teach a class on stellar structure and interiors. Now YOU teach a class on stellar structure and interiors. Virginia and…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – (CLICK HERE FOR PIN-UP POSTER – pdf file ~250k) — We suggest photocopying at 129% – LTR to 11×17 — Earlier this week, we had the chance to sit down with a member of a growing army of naked bubble mice. In thousands of biology labs around the globe, these lab mice quietly do their part in the pursuit of science and medicine. Called Nude Mice, these striking creatures are a result of spontaneous inbreeding, natural genetic freak shows if you will. More importantly, they are bereft of both hair and immunity – things that…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – I am writing you with much concern after I read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design to be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Black holes are a captivating subject for any audience. At the Advanced Physics Laboratory’s Black Hole Humor Workshop, you will absorb high level content and assimilate effective strategies for incorporating black hole humor into any social or professional situation. With an effective repertoire of scintillating black hole humor, you will become the gravitational center of any room. Here are just a few examples from our two day workshop: – – – 1) Riddles: How do you flatter a black hole? Tell it that it sucks. What did the macho black hole say to the less…