Most parents are anxious to know the meaning of the various cries, groans, and sounds their child makes. Recently a Spanish electronic engineer named Pedro Monagas created a battery-powered device called “Why Cry”. This instrument about the size of a calculator is reportedly able to tell a parent whether their baby’s cry is indicating hunger, sleepiness or tiredness. Mr. Monagas states that his “Why Cry” is 98% accurate.

Well I, myself, am considered a kind of “tinkerer”. And, as a new parent I often wonder what all the sounds that my baby makes might mean, not just his crying. So, I gathered together some random things lying around my basement: a bike frame, a tube of caulking, some bits of string that I keep in a metal tub, the metal heads from golf clubs I found, amongst other things and started to put together my own device.

“Baby Talk” is a small instrument about the size of a 70’s Volkswagen. It will listen to any sound that a baby makes and translate it into its true meaning. On a good day, it boasts 61.3% accuracy. I intend to place it on the market in the next year. I intend to sell it for a reasonable price. I intend to make a lot of money.

But does it work, you ask. Well, I can tell you that the communication between my 11 month old son and I has greatly improved since I’ve been strapping this device to him. Let me give you a sample of translations.

Mmma-maaa: Why don’t you give me some Cheerios…in fact give me the whole box.

Blaa-Blaa-Blaa: Dad, you’ve put the diaper on backwards again.

Tthhhpttt: I’ve recently come to realize that my tongue is capable of spraying some kind of liquid from my mouth all over everything, making a nice glistening sheen.

Gaa-gaa-grrmm: I quite like to look in the mirror as it seems to contain the twins of my parents and an amazingly handsome young child.

Bbb-bb-bbb: Excuse me, but you are invading my personal space.

Huhhhh!: Actually, these Cheerios are quite bland, I’d much prefer a case of Cocoa-Puffs.

Tweeemm: If you ask me to give “kisses” again, I’ll give you a big kiss, all right, buster.

Rrrrrrrrrr: It would be awesome if you would let me sit in the car alone, start it up, and roll down the hill.

Ddd-ddd-ddd: Where is that really cute girl-baby that came by yesterday? I’d really like to see her again, let her yank toys out of my hand, and make me cry. Rowr!

Whaaap: The “Baby Talk” machine is amazing. It has changed my life! By the way, where are those Cocoa-Puffs I asked for?

My “Baby-Talk” machine has been a bit of a miracle in our house-hold. Now, instead of waiting for our son to communicate clearly to us, or having to go through the long anguishing work of teaching simple sign language, I just plug the “Baby-Talk” machine into its gasoline-powered generator, attach it to my son and we’re “talking”.

I am also currently working on another device. But this one works the other way – translating parent’s words into baby-sounds so the child can understand us. Does anyone have a bucket full of used staples or the frame to ’68 Cadillac?