– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Who is the greatest scientist of them all? With no objective way of comparing scientists from different disciplines and eras the debate has raged for time immemorial leading to more than one disagreement, most notably the 1982 Falkland Islands war which began when Margaret Thatcher refused to even consider General Leopoldo Galtieri’s claim that Jonas Salk was one bitchin’ scientist. Luckily modern society has produced the perfect measure of a scientist’s greatness: the no holds barred cage match in which combatants are locked in a steel cage and exhorted by blood thirsty on-lookers to fight…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – (In 1943 Abraham Maslow gave us his psychological theory of the Hierarchy of Needs. His theory, simply stated, posits that humans inherently seek higher and higher levels of needs, starting with the basic physiological and ending with self-actualization. One needs to meet each “lower” need in order to seek the next level (one needs food and shelter before seeking the security of employment and morality before trying to attain love, etc). Somehow I suspect Mr. Maslow was not a parent, otherwise he would have re-thought his infamous hierarchy. Physiological Parenting brings you closest to your…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – In reviewing the University’s ancient imagery archives, I was astounded and pleased to discover an interesting, albeit short, fragment of 20th-century photomechanical film. Apparently produced at some time in the late 1900’s, it depicts a brief but fascinating moment in the lives of three young humans of the time. The footage lasts a mere thirty seconds; it begins with three young, primitive boys seated around a table, apparently in the early morning hours judging from the angle and color of the natural light filtering in through the window (image analysis corrected for United States’ average…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Hey, bro. Hey. What’s up? Not much. You? Not much. Just had a burrito. Cool. Yeah. … … Was it good? Was what good? The burrito. Oh, right. Yeah, it was. Cool. Yep. … … What kind burrito was it? Veggie. Cool. Yeah, it was a pretty cool burrito, bro. Where’d you get it? Get what? The burrito. Oh, right. I got it at Gary’s party. Gary had a party? Yep. It just ended. Was a blast. I didn’t hear anything about it. You didn’t? No. Hmm. I was wondering why you weren’t there. Why…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Dark Matter En route to Daphne’s uncle’s seaside cabin, Scooby Doo and the rest of the Mystery Inc. gang are waylaid at an abandoned amusement park – which, according to the kindly local innkeeper, is haunted by matter that cannot be detected from the light which it emits. So mysterious is this ‘dark matter’ that its presence can only be indirectly inferred from motions of astronomical objects. Unclear as to how this would constitute the type of adventure the gang is usually involved with, Freddie remains in the Mystery Machine while the rest of the…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Papa Lion (Carl) First off, that tree we were lying around in the shade by, that wasn’t even our tree. The producers literally brought in that tree and told us it was going to be our new tree. They said our tree—the tree we’ve lay under for years—“didn’t have a river view” and was “a little smaller than what we were looking for.” This was all said to me in front of my kids, I might add. Real class act that Discovery Channel! Just like any family we like to have our place look clean,…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Okay. Experiments are failing. Confidence is disappearing. Each dark day feels a little more desperate than the last. I am in dire need of course correction and I’ve stumbled onto an absolutely foolproof solution that will undoubtedly have me rocking the bench again very, very soon. Drugs. That’s right. Drugs are the answer. And nothing weak either. Though the irony of abusing nicotine while studying lung cancer scores well, cigarettes just don’t have the kick I’m looking for. With firsthand experience attempting to pipet after guzzling a sixer, booze are out too. And you can…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – 1 Went to the mall today. Bought some boxer briefs and an Icee. Stopped into the arcade and lost to some punk kid at Street Fighter II. It’s hard for me to push the buttons at the right time. Shuttle Remote Manipulator Prostheses (SRMP) destroyed Street Fighter machine. 2 Saw a friend’s band play, alone. I wish someone else would have come with me. People don’t always want to talk to the guy with nine hundred pounds of space steel strapped to his body. Broke the arm of the lead singer when I gave him…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Presenting: A week of Hot Science-y Guys This month’s Hot Science-y Guy really sucks. Okay, James Dyson doesn’t suck, but his inventions sure as heck do. Just ask my friend, Bob, who recently purchased the Dyson Animal Model No. I-Don’t-Know−Exactly-but-It’s-a-Lovely-Shade-of-Purple. Oooh… a purple vacuum… And boy-oh-boy! I sure would like one of these bad boys for myself. And this time, when I say “bad boy”, I don’t mean that in my usual way (see previous “Sparky” references). I mean I really want one of Mr. Dyson’s vacuums! Vacuuming is something I really like doing in…