AUGUST 8, 2005

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by Melissa Bell

1. Sir Martin Rees

I don’t know if this guy’s straight or gay, and I don’t care. He’s got a certain polished appeal going on, and he’s the freaking Astronomer Royal for crying out loud. What does that mean, you ask? How does that make him any more special than any other astronomer besides the Royal part? Well, look, if I have to explain that, it would mean one of us would have to do some research. And I’m tired. I just got in from a party. But I do know that this guy’s been busy studying multi-universes and I like to just sit and think about those kinds of things every once in a while, usually every Friday or Saturday night, even if QEII probably doesn’t even know who he is when he shows up at her Christmas brunch or whatever she puts “her people” through every year. I mean, who doesn’t like to entertain the possibility that while we’re stuck in this one stupid world eating another boring salad without cheese and struggling to keep our skirt size in the single digits, somewhere in some other universe Bono is President, and I’m making a fantastic risotto for me and Brad Pitt and Richard Feynman.

2. Brad Pitt

Nice try, Bell, you’re thinking. Way to inappropriately segue the Bradmeister into the list. Well you just pipe down and leave me alone. The Bradmeister (as if I would ever, ever call him that, thank you very much, unless he wanted me to) is apprenticing as an actual architect (with some cat named Frank Gehry or whatever). How many other actors can you name over the age of 40 who go and try to learn something constructive during their downtime instead of buggering off and “nurturing” their other “dimensions” in C-grade rock bands and Krazy Kults (I’m looking at both of you misters, Crowe and Cruise). So does architecture qualify as a science or an artform? Look, why are you so bitter about Brad Pitt anyway? Jealous? Haha, thought so! Well just thank your lucky stars that crap movies leave the premises after a week or two. Crap buildings can stick around for a lifetime.

Good for all of us that Mr. Pitt is pursuing his dream of trying to beautify the planet through proper design engineering so he just doesn’t take all that money of his and mess up the landscape building kooky weird stuff like the above.

3. Dr. Gregory House

Okay, so technically this guy isn’t even real; he’s a TV character on a medical series that debuted this year. But damn, this guy is very hot in that quietly gorgeous British way. Oh yeah, the actor is a Brit. Remember Blackadder? Yes, that’s him - no not the Mr. Bean guy, the other one. No, I didn’t know it either until I was Googling the show, and then I gave myself a good smack on the forehead. (Hey, that’s two British guys on the Hot list and neither one of them is Prince William or Beckham.) Anyway, other than the quietly gorgeous and great-at-not-sounding-British thing that is Hugh Laurie, the character of Dr. Gregory House is hardly Patch Adams (thank heavens). He’s a drug addict, limps horribly (i.e. not going to be much help at the cottage), always has a smart-ass remark about everything, and by the looks of that beard, his hygiene is probably better studied at a distance. Still. We love the bad boys, don’t we, ladies? So he’s hot. Watch the show. It’s good, too.

4. Alton Brown

It’s nice how he explains things. Yes, his show, Good Eats, is unbearably goofy at times, and for such a smart guy, I find myself wincing with discomfort at the bad puns and contrived infotainment shenanigans. Alton, give it to us straight up and on the rocks, babe! It’s you who’s the twist, mister! Can it with the cornball and union-scale supporting cast of cheesy actors and just do your thing. This is one guy who knows what he’s doing. Yes, it happens to be cooking, and if you don’t think cooking involves a degree of scientific knowledge, then chances are you wind up having to eat out a lot or depend on others to feed you. How sad. But Alton will explain the magic of food preparation to you, my hungry friend. Using simple diagrams, and nicely suitable props, Alton will tell you exactly why you can’t get any yolk in your soon-to-be-whipped egg whites so that the next time you brag on and on about how you could probably make just as good an angel food cake as your brother if you had a recipe, you won’t be so darn careless and ruin somebody’s birthday party, you hapless fool. Anyway. Follow his simple rib eye steak methodology to the letter, and it will improve every quality of your life forever. Jeez, what more does anybody really want out of anybody?

5. Richard Feynman

Was this guy adorably sexy or what? How many Nobel laureates can you say that about? Well here’s a guess: zero. But you can say it about Professor Feynman. Too bad he’s dead, is another thing I say. He could juggle, play the bongos, and safecrack with the best of them. Students must have thrown panties at Dr. Feynman’s lectures. Or at least thought about it. But even if they did, you know he’d be so charming and cool about it and work those thrown panties into his discussions on nanotechnology, and the next thing you know, you would spend all the rest of the next week learning everything you possibly could about everything nanotechnological in the world, just so that maybe, just maybe, if you were drunk enough, but obviously not too much – you’re a hardworking student, remember? - you’d have the courage to raise your hand at the next class and hopefully, hopefully ask him an intelligent question. And he would respond by saying, “Well, really, that’s one of those things that’s best discussed over dinner.” And the class would laugh. But he would hold your gaze while you bit your lip, while you wondered whether or not he was really serious…sigh…

(Just don’t think about the fact that Alan Alda once portrayed this man in a play. Trust me. It strips all the hotness right out of the fantasy.)

Bonus Item!
Marc “Sparky” Bartolomeo

Should be Bartoromeo doncha think? Oh wait. You’re still wondering “Who the hell is this guy?” Relax, I’ll tell you. He’s the electrician on TLC’s “In a Fix”. Well, you should watch it. Yes, he’s an electrician. (Electricity. That’s science, so leave me alone, will you please?) His bio says he also enjoys cooking/baking and going to garage sales. If he had said his favourite movie is “Gone With the Wind” I would have to assume he’s probably married to someone named Jeremy or Stefan, but the bio does mention a former girlfriend (who once entered him in an underwear contest) so I’m going to assume he’s straight, okay? Which means he’s pretty much the World’s Most Perfect Man. Unless you’re gay. Which means you probably think he’s gay because all the gay men I know think everybody’s gay. Well whatever. Say what you will about whomever. I love Sparky. Let’s both love Sparky.

Did Not Make the Cut:
Bill Nye

Bill Nye – Well he is The Science Guy and all that. But the bowtie look isn’t sexy, unless you’re Brad Pitt and you’re wearing a tux. Just because you’re all science-y and stuff, you don’t have to look like you spend more money on Battlestar Gallactica trading cards than you do on hair product. Sorry, but Albert Einstein gets on this list before The Science Guy does. (And Mr. Nye’s website bugged me a LOT. Jeez. No, I don’t want to download anything, thank you. Stop making it do all that crazy stuff. Damn, that’s so annoying!)

Melissa Bell lives in Toronto. She is still bitter that she never received a chemistry set for Christmas, but is at least beginning to accept that her parents probably knew what they were doing. Some places her writing has appeared include online with McSweeney’s and in print with Flesh & Blood.

Issue One

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