From humour

AND GOD SAID, “LET THERE BE DINOSAURS!”

Let there be light! Let there be Heaven and Earth! Let there be mortal souls created in Mine own image, gifted with reason and free will… in a bit. First, let there be a bunch of giant fucking monsters everywhere! In My infinite wisdom, I know that populating Earth with millions of Godzillas will be awesome. Humongous monsters with silly little arms! Tiny monsters that hunt in packs! Monsters covered in bulletproof plates with spikes for tails and ocean monsters and flying monsters that terrorize the skies and HOLY SHIT THIS WILL BE VERY FUCKING COOL. Using the divine power…

MONSANTO DOES NOT CONDONE CANNIBALISM

Monsanto does not condone cannibalism. We do not endorse the systematic harvesting of mortal flesh for mass consumption. We do not drool at the thought of rendering a bountiful population of citizens into edible chunks of protein. None of us here fantasize about a future in which the farming of our fellow man is a viable practice. I just want to get that out in the open. Take it from me. I am one of thousands of Monsanto employees not brainstorming concepts for packaged foodstuffs made from human body parts. Like my colleagues, I did not sign an NDA which…

A CLIMATE CHANGE DENIER GETS HEATSTROKE

I’m fine, I just need a sip of water. Can I do that without sounding the climate-change alarms? There are four seasons, you guys. Summer’s the hot one. Always has been. I’m just a little thirsty. And, like, a teeny bit dizzy. You can split hairs all you want with statistics about temperatures steadily rising each year, or you can spare me the factual histrionics and start enjoying a little summer fun. I’m having such a good time that my head’s actually pounding with the pulse of summer. Really pounding. That’s strange, I actually feel kind of cold all of…

I AM RUNNING AN EXPERIMENTAL SCIENCE LAB IN MY HOME

To Whom It May Concern: I am running an experimental science lab in my home. If the naked gentleman ranting around the neighborhood is able to direct you back to my house and you happen upon this letter, rest assured that that is what you found: an experimental science lab. I am a scientist. Not in the strictest sense of the word, but in spirit. I don’t have any degrees or other credentials, unless you count an undying love of America and a giant green thumb. These passions are the foundation upon which I built the secret experimental science lab…

COMMON SAYINGS TRANSLATED INTO SCIENTIFICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS

COMMON: Hit the ground running. SCIENTIFIC: Conserve momentum. COMMON: My gut was telling me. SCIENTIFIC: My colon speaks. COMMON: If I had a nickel for every… SCIENTIFIC: x times 5cents, where x equals… COMMON: Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater SCIENTIFIC: Avoid wet baby head trauma. COMMON: Go the whole 9 yards. SCIENTIFIC: Displace by 8.2296 meters. COMMON: You are in way over your head. SCIENTIFIC: Anatomically speaking, you are likely upside down. COMMON: You spilled the beans. SCIENTIFIC: Entropy went up. COMMON: A little bird told me… SCIENTIFIC: Whilst under the influence of psychedelic hallucinogens… COMMON: Everything…

ISAAC NEWTON, STANDING ON THE SHOULDER OF GIANTS. EXCERPTS FROM HIS DIARY

“If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.” Isaac Newton in a letter to his rival Robert Hooke, 1676 – – – May 14th, 1665 Went to the post office today, thinking that I’d be picking up a grant proposal from the Royal Society.  Imagine my surprise when I turned up and instead of a grant, there was a giant waiting for me. May 22nd, 1665 A week later and I’m still a bit confused on what to do with the giant, especially since it follows me relentlessly.  Friends have not been much help in…

THE BPA DISRUPTOR (A SHORT PLAY)

Scene. An empty lecture hall, stage, or an open space. RACHEL, a scientist researching the impact of bisphenol A on Bantam chickens, has entered a science competition requiring her to act out her research topic in pantomime. Enlisting the help of a friend, CARLSON, to help her with the “dance” performance, CARLSON’S reluctance is countered by RACHEL’s enthusiasm for the competition. RACHEL: (pointing to the script) Just read it. CARLSON: (in disbelief) Why did I let you talk me into this? RACHEL: (insisting) Read it. CARLSON: I’m not even sure I understand what it means. RACHEL: (confidently) It resonates. It’s…

CANADIAN TRAIN WRECKS OF NOTE

The Rogers Pass Avalanche, March 4, 1910 The Hinton Train Collision, February 8, 1986 Rob Ford, circa 2006 ongoing The Baptiste Creek Train Wreck, October 27, 1854 Justin Bieber, circa 2013 ongoing The Canoe River Train Crash, November 21, 1950 The St. Hilaire Train Disaster, June 29, 1864 Canadian Environmental and Climate Change Policy, seemingly never-ending