DONALD TRUMP WRITES A SCIENCE GRANT
Principal Investigator: Trump, Donald.
Title: The Best Biology
Aims: Do a lot of things and see what happens.
Background and Significance: I did very well in school. I learned a lot of things.
Innovation: We will do a lot of things that have never been done before, and then we will do them again.
Research Strategy: We will do genetics of really important plants and animals – not minerals, we won’t do minerals. We will produce a lot of data, a lot. Big data. Ten thousand more than everyone else.
Summary: Trust me, we will do it. It will be great. And the PIs of the other studies are ugly, nerdy and nasty. Nobody likes them.
Budget: I’m the only applicant that doesn’t even want your money. But I will negotiate the best deal.
Personnel: I know a lot of smart people. A lot of them. No one else can do this.
Equipment: We have centrifuges that will make your head spin.
Facilities: We have lots of buildings. All over. We can build more and make China pay for them.
Human Subjects: Not a concern.
Hazardous materials: Doesn’t matter.
Inclusion of Minorities: I love them. The minorities love me. We have a great relationship.
Inclusion of Women: Of course. I love women, especially the one in the red dress over there and the one possibly reviewing this proposal (Hi there!)