EPISODE 5.5: A JEDI WINTER SESSION
Characters:
Darth Governor (feel free to replace “Governor” with the name of your state’s Governor)
Senator
Professor Leia
Dean Luke
Chancellor Yoda
The Emperor
Queen Amadala
Darth Governor and a Senator enter (Darth Vader music).
Darth Governor: The Academic Alliance has thwarted you again Senator. They have misled you with all their talk of how the Empire is crippling the university.
Senator: But Lord Governor, they say that by crippling the university we are hurting the Empire.
Darth Governor: Of course they say that, but you are weak, Senator, like many other members of the Legislature.
Senator: I’m very sorry Lord Governor. I assure you it will not happen again.
Darth Governor: That is what you said the last time.
Senator: But it was different this time. Last time we tried to cut the English department, this time it was Foreign Languages. They are two completely different types of taxpayer burdens.
Darth Governor: And what about the completion of the Dumb Star? You were far behind schedule until I arrived and took over.
Senator: Lord Governor, you know how difficult Empire construction companies can be.
Darth Governor: I instructed you to use a different contractor for the Dumb Star than the one working on the University Student Union, but you did not heed my warning.
Senator: But they were the cheapest.
Darth Governor: Senator, you have failed me for the last time.
Senator: That’s what you said the last time.
Darth Governor: (putting the Senator in an invisible choke hold): I find your attempt at humorous insubordination insulting.
Senator: Please Lord Governor. It will not happen again, I promise you!
Darth Governor: (releasing him): Very well. Since it is the holidays, I will let you live this time. Here, have a candy cane (hands the Senator a candy cane, and sings to him, to the tune of “There’s no Place Like Home for the Holidays” ).
Oh there’s no place like the Empire for the Holidays
Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the darkside
Of the Jedi force
For the holidays you can’t beat
The Imperial Empire.
I met a man who lives on Tatooine
And he was heading for
A jungle planet, where he’d learn some Jedi tricks
Around the Empire folks are travelin’
Just to see the new Dumb Star
Cross the galaxy in a minute, gee
Space travel is terrific.
Now, Senator, sing with me.
Senator: Oh no, Lord Governor, I really can’t sing.
Darth Governor: Sing with me, or I will destroy you.
Senator: Yes, Lord Governor.
They sing together:
Oh there’s no place like the Empire for the Holidays
Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the darkside
Of the Jedi force
For the holidays you can’t beat
The Imperial Empire.
Darth Governor: That wasn’t bad Senator. Now: bring the prisoner to me.
Senator: Yes, Lord Governor (he exits to get the prisoner).
Darth Governor: I am surrounded by whiners and fools. I might as well be an Empire of One, for all the help I get in fighting the Academic Alliance.
Senator enters with Professor Leia, her hands are tied behind her back.
Leia: Governor, I thought it was you, I recognized your stench.
Darth Governor: It is a pleasure to see you again, too, Professor Leia. You’re looking particularly fetching today. Perhaps you’d care to join me for a drink after I finish destroying the Foreign Languages programs.
Leia: In your dreams, Governor.
Darth Governor: Perhaps a candy cane, then? (he holds out a candy cane). Oh, I forgot your hands are tied! Too bad, maybe next time.
Leia: Release me Governor. You have no conflict with the Biological Sciences department.
Darth Governor: On the contrary, Professor Leia, you and your colleagues continue to annoy me with your incessant support for the theory of evolution.
Leia: Governor, everyone in the Academic Alliance knows you attended all the best schools – how is it possible that you do not believe in evolution?
Darth Governor: Professor Leia, you do realize that I wear a mechanical suit that keeps me alive because I received severe injuries in a terrible accident, correct?
Leia: Yes, but what does that have to do with believing in evolution?
Darth Governor: Do you not suspect that this same accident may have caused me to suffer severe brain damage?
Leia: Ah, I see your point Governor. I pity you.
Darth Governor: Do not feel pity for me. It was the most influential day of my life.
Leia: The day you suffered brain damage?
Darth Governor: Yes, the day I embraced the dark side.
Leia: Oh, you mean the day you became a Republican.
Darth Governor: Of course. And now Professor Leia, you will have the honor of helping me select the first target of this fully operational Dumb Star.
Leia: I would never help you, Darth Governor.
Darth Governor: But you already have, soon my stupidity ray will be fired directly at the Academic Alliance. Which target do you prefer Professor: the French department, or Classical Languages?
Leia: I won’t play your game Governor. You must put a stop to this nonsense. (Everyone freezes as a spotlight shines on Leia, and she sings, to the tune of “White Christmas”: )
I’m dreaming of a new budget.
Just like the ones we used to know
Where the blackboards glisten
And students listen
As powerpoints give off their glow
I’m dreaming of a new budget
With every paper that I write
May our days be merry and bright
And may all our expenditures be alright
Everyone un-freezes.
Darth Governor: Fine, then, Professor, if you will not choose, I will destroy both departments. Senator! Power up the stupidity ray, immediately.
Senator: Yes, Lord Governor.
Leia: No, Governor – this is insanity!
Dean Luke enters. (Luke music plays “Star Wars Theme”)
Dean Luke: Just one moment, Senator. Don’t touch those controls.
Leia: Dean Luke! My brother is here to rescue me Governor. Now you will be defeated.
Dean Luke: Darth Governor! Surrender to me, or be destroyed.
Darth Governor: Ah, Dean Luke! We meet at last!
Dean Luke: What do you mean: “We meet at last”? I’ve been to the Capital dozens of times.
Darth Governor: I’m afraid your presence may have gone unnoticed, Dean Luke.
Dean Luke: I met with you last week!
Darth Governor: Forgive me for forgetting you.
Dean Luke: Fine, whatever – but now, Governor – release my sister or feel the power of the Academic side of the Force.
Darth Governor: The Academic side of the Force is weak Dean Luke.
Dean Luke: We’ll see about that. Defend yourself Governor.
Darth Governor turns on his light saber. Luke whips out a yardstick.
Darth Governor: You’re going to fight with that? Where is your light saber?
Dean Luke: It broke. And thanks to your budget cuts I can’t get it repaired.
Darth Governor: Then the advantage is mine, young Jedi.
They fight. University Chancellor Yoda enters and lets out a Yoda grunt as he holds them apart with the force.
Yoda: Jedi – Fighting, stop, you must! To run a university, this is no way.
Luke kneels in front of Yoda.
Dean Luke: Chancellor Yoda – it is an honor.
Yoda: Darth Governor – as I feared, to the dark side, you have gone. A Jedi Professor, you are no longer.
Darth Governor: It is true Chancellor Yoda.
Dean Luke: All he wants to do now is destroy the Academic Alliance.
Darth Governor: The Academic Alliance is a burden on the taxpayers of the Empire.
Dean Luke: The Academic Alliance is the best thing in the Empire.
Yoda: Please, Jedi Tigers: Get along, cannot we all?
Darth Governor: You were my Master once Chancellor Yoda, but I am no longer loyal to the Academic Force, and only serve my Master the Emperor.
Yoda: This Emperor of which you speak, is whom?
Darth Governor: My Emperor! The Academic Jedi wish to have an audience with you.
The Emperor enters. Darth Governor bows.
Emperor: My young apprentice. Why are you destroying the university? Do you not know that these academic types can be an endless source of amusement for all of society?
Darth Governor: My Master, I thought it was what you wanted.
Emperor: Of course not, my young apprentice. I am an Endowed Chair Professor. I want only to understand how the universe works. Everything else is trivial. As usual you have bungled everything Governor. It is really amazing that you’ve made it this far in your career, but then again, even you are smarter than Darth Bush or Darth Palin.
Darth Governor: My master, you promised me that one day I could rise to the level of national recognition of my comrades Darth Bush and Darth Palin.
Emperor: You are not yet ready for such a promotion my young apprentice – you will require further damage to your brain before you can reach their level of service.
Darth Governor: Yes, my master.
Queen Amadala enters carrying a tray of food.
Amadala: Oh, great! Everybody’s here! And bickering away, as usual — well, I guess every family has its ups and downs.
Leia: Hi Mom.
Dean Luke: Hello Mom.
Amadala: Oh, look at you two! Still the cutest pair of twins in the galaxy. (To Darth Governor: ) We sure have a couple of wonderful children, don’t we Darth?
Darth Governor: Yes, my Queen.
Amadala: It’s too bad our marriage couldn’t last – but, what with you going over to the dark side and everything, we’ve been divorced about three years now, right? But I’m glad we can still be friends – and speaking of that – (indicating the Emperor and Senator) who are your little friends here?
Darth Governor: This is the supreme Emperor of the Empire. This is an Imperial Senator. (to the Emperor and the Senator: ) And this is my ex-wife, Queen Amadala.
Emperor: Glad to meet you.
Senator: Hello.
Amadala: Glad to meet you too. Any friend of Darth’s is welcome for Christmas dinner in my house – but we do have one Christmas rule – no weapons. Now everyone give me your weapons.
Everyone hands her some sort of weapon.
Amadala: Okay, now, lets all sit down and have some of this delicious dinner.
They all sit around a small table. Amadala remains standing behind the table.
Dean Luke (reaches out to take some dinner): This looks great!
Amadala (lights up a light saber and cuts off Luke’s hand): Stop that young man!
Dean Luke: Arrgghh! Mom! You cut off my hand, again. I was just trying to get some food.
Amadala: You know very well that we say Grace first in this house – and I’ll cut off your hand every year till you learn your lesson young man. I don’t care if you’re a big shot Jedi zipping around the galaxy – you’ll behave when you’re in my house.
Darth Governor (aside to the Senator and the Emperor): Now you see how I got this suit.
Amadala: Darth, since you seem so anxious to talk, why don’t you say Grace – and keep it on the light-side, okay, it’s the holidays?
Darth Governor: Very well, my Queen: Supreme spirit of the Universe, we thank you for this feast, and for this gathering of our family and friends, and we ask that you keep the Empire strong—
Queen Amadala: (she lights up the light saber and points it at Darth Governor) Darth!
Darth Governor: – I mean, we ask that you keep the Empire AND the Academic Alliance strong, and help us find ways to alleviate our differences in the new year. May the force be with you.
All: May the force be with you.
Amadala: Oh, that was very nice, Darth, very nice, thank you. Now before we eat, I do have one announcement to make. I’m so glad that the whole family could be here together to hear the news. (To Yoda: ) Come over here dear. Everyone– I’ve decided to re-marry — Chancellor Yoda and I are going to get married in the Spring.
Everyone applauds and congratulates them.
Amadala: Now, one more thing before we eat – let’s all sing:
All (to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” ):
Oh, you better watch out,
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
The Jedi Force is watching for you
Its power is strong
Its darkside is vice
It splits people into naughty and nice
The Jedi Force is coming to town
It sees when you’ve been sleeping
It knows when you’re awake
It knows if you been bad or good
So choose a side for goodness sake
Oh, you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
The Jedi Force is coming to town.
Amadala: Oh, Merry Christmas every one!
All: Merry Christmas!
(There are more science Christmas plays by
Vince LiCata here, here, here and here).