I am going to take Science to the people. I will start small with curbside lectures on botany and bus-based displays of electromagnetism, before moving indoors to synthesize acetaminophen in a local Starbucks – perhaps lead a roundtable discussion on nanotechnology in a booth at the back of T.G.I Fridays. The science elite won’t appreciate my de-mystification of their beloved theories and the bourgeoisie, with their fancy pants and complicated shoes, will riot out of sheer terror. But the people will rejoice, for within them all are weak legged, bespectacled science geeks with no aptitude for sports who yearn for truth. I will deliver that truth in the form of a burning spear of enlightenment hurled into the heart of ignorance.
Word of my exploits will quickly spread. Fans will congregate in my favorite haunts (the local wiggery, archery supply store and dog track) in the hope of witnessing the radiant greatness of my impromptu demonstrations of the Doppler effect. The peoples of the world will cry out for me and so I will produce a tour entitled simply “Erudition!” I am a simple man so my live show will eschew artifice.
I will play only the largest stadia into which I will enter astride panthers wearing a sealskin top hat, snug fitting one-piece leotard, topaz studded decorative scimitar and moccasins. My set will amaze, astound, and inform before finishing strong with a dazzling explanation of the theory of relativity. After I have educated the multitudes and basked in their adulation for a slightly longer than appropriate amount of time I will return backstage where I will gorge myself on rubies. My t-shirt sales will be phenomenal.
My live tour will beget an album. It will be called, “Putting the fun back in the fundamental theorem of calculus.” Language is an insufficient tool to describe its awesome beauty, but rest assured it will forever change music with its gorgeous melodies and edifying lyrics. The critics will adore me, and they will shower me with accolades. I will be hailed as a saviour, a prophet, a genius. I will be bigger than Einstein. There will not be an award that I won’t win and my acceptance speeches, with their wit, heartfelt emotion and extended pyrotechnic displays, will make the hearts of millions soar.
Having made the world a better place I will slide back into anonymity and return to my twin passions of falconry and spelunking. My adoring public will demand another tour. I was made for the stage they will say. But I will deny them. Instead I will allow my legacy to speak for itself. For in the future, after songs have been sung, television biopics have been made, statues have been erected and sonnets have been written all to honor my glory, Science will still ring out as a clarion bell leading the huddled masses into the light.