It has come to our attention here at Pole Headquarters that something disastrous is occurring in regards to the Earth. It seems that there have been too many bad little boys and girls polluting the atmosphere with the byproducts of carbon fuels, causing world temperatures to rise. While we here at Pole Headquarters do not completely understand the science behind this, we have noted that our own workshops are beginning to sink into the ice, and that our candy striped North Pole is now leaning ominously. We can assure the world’s population that all manner of people from corporate planners to politicians to purchasers of Humvees, leaf blowers, ATV’s, and energy inefficient home climate control systems have been placed on our “naughty” list, and will receive nothing from our workshops this year, as they are the ones primarily responsible for the world’s problems. While we would, in years past, fill their stockings with lumps of coal, we are informed that coal is one of the aforementioned carbon fuels, and so these people will receive lumps of uranium or small vials of ethanol instead. Personally, we do not care if they eat or drink these little presents.
And what are we at the North Pole doing about our own use of carbon fuels, one might ask? We here at the Pole have always been conscious of energy consumption. It is a known fact that all toys produced here are produced entirely by elves. We have never employed electricity, coal fired steam boilers, internal combustion, or even nuclear energy. While we do light our tree, it is with the light from the Aurora above. We have no cranes to place the star at the top, but have an Abominable Snowman to do this for us.
Our snowman is also good at supplying power for machinery we have recently had to install for scraping the lead based paints from certain items supplied by our subcontractors. And as far as subcontractors, it is well documented that Chinese laborers work in the same types of conditions our own elves do. An elf can withstand cold, poor lighting, and minimal food, and although this may appear cruel at first glance, we submit that this is better than bending down to sow rice in a giant northern paddy; something that we are afraid will happen soon if the world doesn’t wise up and take measures to keep the polar ice from melting. We have been assured by these subcontractors that they, too, are using very little of the earth’s precious resources, relying mostly on the hard work of their employees.
But what of our reindeer? Again, some concern could be voiced over the fact that at certain times – mostly after meals – a reindeer can emit methane, a known greenhouse gas. Our engineers have been addressing this problem. While we do not yet have a system in place, we are well on the way to an apparatus which collects this gas and recycles it to run some new equipment we are developing to feed the insatiable appetite for toys which ad men have been creating over the years.
And Rudolf? No one truly understands his glowing nose, but if it does utilize carbon fuels, we submit that it is only lit up during the emergencies of foggy flying conditions. We are experiencing fewer and fewer of those as the world warms, and Rudolf and his possible energy consumption will soon be a thing of the past.
Until the scientists of the world can realize the miracle of cold fusion, and begin depleting the sea’s vast resources instead of ruining the atmosphere, we here at Pole Headquarters can assure the world’s peoples that we are continuing to make our gifts as in the past, using as few fossil fuels as possible. We are doing our part in the fight against global warming. Our very existence here depends on it.
Think about this, and act upon it. Please. The world would be a sad place indeed with sunken workshops, and Santa flying over barren deserts, instead of snow banks, to deliver his goodies every year.
Your concerned friend,
Dictated December12: George Motisher, head elf stenographer.