Let there be light! Let there be Heaven and Earth! Let there be mortal souls created in Mine own image, gifted with reason and free will… in a bit.

First, let there be a bunch of giant fucking monsters everywhere!

In My infinite wisdom, I know that populating Earth with millions of Godzillas will be awesome. Humongous monsters with silly little arms! Tiny monsters that hunt in packs! Monsters covered in bulletproof plates with spikes for tails and ocean monsters and flying monsters that terrorize the skies and HOLY SHIT THIS WILL BE VERY FUCKING COOL.

Using the divine power of My words, I shall bring into Creation gigantic reptiles with no brains. They won’t be able to think at all! Just fight all the time!

“Oh, no look out! There’s a T. Rex!” one dinosaur will go.

“Fuck that. I look like a dragon and spit poison out of my mouth!” says another.


I shall be an active God. Sometimes I’ll pick up two of the dinosaurs, one in each hand, and just smash them into each other, like, “Smash! Smash! Oh, what dinosaur’s going to win?” Then I’ll drop one and grab a pterodactyl out of the sky, and he’ll dive-bomb the one in my other hand and be all like, “Zooooom! Ssssshblamm!”

And should My righteous interest in watching beast battles 24/7 wane (not likely), I’ll just flick an asteroid at Earth, blot out the sun with dust, wait 65 million years, then breath life into a bunch of Adams and Eves. Ugh, I’m already dreading it. These humans are going to be wanting stuff from Me all the time and never biting each other’s necks off with razor-sharp demon teeth for My amusement.

On the flip side, I’m sure the humans will really enjoy looking at the dinosaurs’ bones in museums.

Universe, let there be monsters! And, lo, they are good!

I have got to stop talking to Myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only absolute, indivisible, and incomparable theistic being in the whole universe. Maybe it’s time I create Myself a…Mrs. God?

No time! Gotta finish My perfect universe by creating eight other empty, worthless planets with nothing on them at all. Now back to My castle on the moon to watch fifty raptors team up to kill a stegosaurus!

– – –

This piece was originally published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.