By Charlie Nadler

Charlie Nadler lives and works in Chicago. His work has appeared in McSweeney's, Yankee Pot Roast, MonkeyBicycle, The Big Jewel, Groupon, NewsGroper and elsewhere. He plays in a band called Blane Fonda and he can be found on the internet here.


1. Tardigrades feed on plants and bacteria. Fact. The majority of tardigrades subsist on plant matter and bacteria, although some species will occasionally eat entire organisms, such as rotifers. 2. Tardigrades are cute. Fiction. Tardigrades are not cute; they’re short and overweight, with poorly articulated limbs and claws on their feet. Their bodies are covered in cuticles of proteins, chitin and lipids (gross), and the males only have one gonad. 3. Tardigrades can survive extreme conditions that would kill any other animal known to man. Fact. Tardigrades are able to withstand 5,000 gamma rays of radiation, temperatures from 304 °F…