By Marco Kaye

Marco Kaye is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. His work has appeared in McSweeney's and Monkeybicycle. Other bands with animal names he has studied in great detail include the Eagles, the Beatles and Modest Mouse.

AN ARACHNOLOGICAL GUIDE TO THE SPIDERS FROM MARS

Stardust Dreamweaver (Arachnidius centauri) One of the most deadly of all Martian spiders, the Stardust Dreamweaver doesn’t inject venom into its prey directly. Instead, it surrounds it in a hazy cosmic jive, distracting its victim. Easily trapping its meal, the Stardust Dreamweaver then cocoons it in a hideous kabuki-style space age outfit and subjects it to Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll (Part 2),” also known as the “Hey Song.” Once the victim’s brain hemorrhages, the Stardust Dreamweaver devours its prey. This arachnid dwells deep within the velvet goldmines of the United Kingdom. It is prized by garment makers for its…