Last weekend, Candace, Will and I visited my mother. And, while I was there, I realized I was very tired. Granted, I had not slept well the night before, but it suddenly occurred to me that I am often tired when I visit my mother. Then, on the way home, it also occurred to me that I often feel tired when Candace and I visit her father or mother. I brought this up to Candace. I asked her if she thought I had some kind of problem. “Have I developed a mental association with our parents…some self-imposed Pavlovian condition…is it…
The Science Creative Quarterly
From archive
SUPERPOSITION
Erwin loved the cat that Niels had given him. Such a lovely cat. He would play records for his cat while he thought and studied deep into the night, and his cat would gently rub against his leg. • When Orpheus laid his eyes upon Eurydice, all else fell away. Though the nuptials were doomed, his fair lyre still sung out the most beauteous chords, so that even the Gods were said to stop and listen. • As Erwin sat at his desk, his eyes and mind became crowded with infinite possibilities. With all of the seemingly impossible theories, though…
JOKES WITHOUT PUNCHLINES TAKEN FROM A CELLULAR BIOLOGY LABORATORY
1. A chemical microbiologist, a pathologist and a clown are flying in a small commuter plane between Kansas City and Omaha. Halfway there, the plane bursts into flames and the pilot bails out. The passengers discover there are only two parachutes. Which one dies? 2. 1,4-dihydro-2,6-dimethyl-4-(2-nitrophenyl)-3,5-pyridinedicarboxylic acid dimethyl ester walks into a bar. On the stools next to it are a leprechaun, a unicorn, and Santa Claus. The bartender has a keg of Guinness, a bag of oats, and a plate of cookies behind the counter. He says to the newcomer, “These three regulars beside you are mean bastards if…
SIX STORIES
For all the movement it was making, it was very silent. For all the movement around it, it was still very silent. At six stories tall, it was, like most New Yorkers, very slender. No longer green, one immediately knows this one has been around the block for many years. When my mother met my father, across the seas, it was here. When the Empire State Building was the tallest of its kind, it was here. When I had my coffee this morning, it was, still, here. When the jackhammers were going in the pre dawn hours today, it shed…
WHAT’S NEW IN SCANTRON TECHNOLOGIES
The Scantron 8950 (A.K.A. “Lil’ Helper”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you arrived at the scantron machine with your stack of answer sheets and realized that you forgot to fill out the answer key? And where is your pencil? Hang on, because help is on the way. The 8900 may not help you remember to fill out your answer keys, but with its elegant pencil holder and built in pencil sharpener, you’ll be able to remedy that in no time. The Scantron 9000 (A.K.A. “The Compassionate One.”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you looked out at your tired,…
SHAFTED AGAIN BY NOBEL
I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics again this year. What’s a guy got to do to win that thing? I was made to win that prize, but for like the umpteenth time in a row I’ve been given the shaft. Annoying! Who cares if I’m not a physixcist or however you spell it? I’ve been doing lots of cool physics-type stuff forever and deserve some recognition and money. Since a teenager I’ve done this kick-ass trick where I put a quarter in each of the palms of my hands and then I quickly slam my hands down against…
WHITE COAT, WRONG TIME
Imagine you’re at Starbucks. You’re halfway through a co-worker’s order (“half sweet, no foam, saffron-scented, opium-spritzed, …”) when two men wearing coveralls come in. You hear them talking about a car they’re fixing. Their garb has grease on it, various stains of indeterminate origin. They saunter up to the till, place their orders, and get their drinks before you because the trainee taking care of your order is running to the Starbucks across the street to find more panda blood for your co-worker’s beverage. Tapping your foot impatiently, you notice that the two guys in coveralls have parked themselves in…
MOTHER GOOSE AND THE SCIENTIFIC PEER REVIEW PROCESS.
Jack and Jill went up the hill. To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown. And Jill came tumbling after. First of all, we are not sure there’s enough clarity in this text. Scientific literature, in particular, should leave little room for confusion. Where exactly did Jack fall down? Into the well? A little ways down the hill? All the way down the hill? It’s just too vague. Worst still, we’re not convinced that the science conducted is of high enough caliber. I mean really, who would be stupid enough to put a well on…
TO TEACH THE CALCULUS, A PLAY
The recent popularity of math and science based plays and movies, such as “Proof”, “A Beautiful Mind”, and “Copenhagen”, has catalyzed the recovery of lost plays from famous mathematicians and scientists themselves. Below is the complete text of “To Teach the Calculus,” which was recently “recovered” from the notebooks of Max Planck. After winning his Nobel Prize in 1918 for work in radiation physics, Planck explored a variety of other fields. This is his only known foray into the theater. Planck had a reputation as a difficult and demanding teacher among the students at the University of Berlin, and several…