I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics again this year. What’s a guy got to do to win that thing? I was made to win that prize, but for like the umpteenth time in a row I’ve been given the shaft. Annoying! Who cares if I’m not a physixcist or however you spell it? I’ve been doing lots of cool physics-type stuff forever and deserve some recognition and money. Since a teenager I’ve done this kick-ass trick where I put a quarter in each of the palms of my hands and then I quickly slam my hands down against…

Jack and Jill went up the hill. To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown. And Jill came tumbling after. First of all, we are not sure there’s enough clarity in this text. Scientific literature, in particular, should leave little room for confusion. Where exactly did Jack fall down? Into the well? A little ways down the hill? All the way down the hill? It’s just too vague. Worst still, we’re not convinced that the science conducted is of high enough caliber. I mean really, who would be stupid enough to put a well on…

The recent popularity of math and science based plays and movies, such as “Proof”, “A Beautiful Mind”, and “Copenhagen”, has catalyzed the recovery of lost plays from famous mathematicians and scientists themselves. Below is the complete text of “To Teach the Calculus,” which was recently “recovered” from the notebooks of Max Planck. After winning his Nobel Prize in 1918 for work in radiation physics, Planck explored a variety of other fields. This is his only known foray into the theater. Planck had a reputation as a difficult and demanding teacher among the students at the University of Berlin, and several…

Chicken Pox This is the Frank Sinatra of animal-themed sicknesses. A timeless classic, although the younger generations might not appreciate it. I remember fondly going to a Fourth of July Parade as a child, just recovering from the pox, and my mom not letting me look around too much lest other parents see my pox and get upset for contaminating everyone else. I also have a few choice scars from the ol’ poxy. Drawback: Some children are getting ‘vaccinated’ for this. Wimps. Avian Flu While this is the hot disease of the moment, it still can’t measure up to the…

Day 1: While changing my thirteen month old son’s diaper, he begins to spin around and around on the bed at an extremely fast pace and giggles loudly to himself, like a madman. This is not his usual behavior. I decide to investigate. Day 2: After spending all night breaking down the circumstances that led to my son’s bizarre behavior as well as pouring through numerous scientific journals on-line, I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: 1) he ate too many Dannon Children’s Yogurts right before I changed him, thus consuming a high amount of sugar. Or 2) demonic possession.…

Download the pdf (14pages, ~2.7Mb) (We are also looking for an inker who can ink this piece for possible print inclusion, please email tscq@interchange.ubc.ca if you are interested in helping out.)

* * * (REPRINTED FROM ISSUE ONE, APRIL 11th, 2005)

Mondo-Genetic-Services is proud to announce its latest venture, “The Bestest, Most Kick Ass, Human Genome Project.” Hot on the tails of the International Human Genome Sequencing Consortium and Celera Genomics, we present to you a novel approach in the elucidation of mankind’s blueprint of life. Rather than using the frequently studied yet boring human cell lines, or samples from a small group of ethnically diverse, anonymous, and likely dull individuals, we propose a completely different strategy – that is, we plan to use the genomes of individuals handpicked by the editorial staff of People magazine, a move we feel will…

His eponymous coils aren’t the only thing that created a buzz and a sizzle! So he’s been dead since 1943. Minor detail. Nikola Tesla was one helluva hot ticket in his time and no doubt he was well aware of it, too. No matter what the fashion of the day, guys just don’t strike a pose like the one in the accompanying photo unless they know they have got it goin’ awwn. Now don’t let that seductive, come-hither stare fool you. He’s not playing coy, no matter what you think those bedroom eyes might be suggesting, so stay in your…