“Where The Heart Is” by Billie Letts.
This book sucks. Why there is a picture of a house on the front cover escapes me, but let me save you the effort of reading this crap. Your heart is sort of in between your left and right lung.

“Everything Is Illuminated” by Jonathan Safran Foer.
I have to say that the general premise and plot of this bore of a novel is, quite simply, horrendous. I mean how much conflict are you really going to get when the principle setting for the plot is on the surface of the sun, and both the fucking protagonist and antagonist get burnt to a crisp in the first sentence?

“Richard II” and “Richard III” by William Shakespeare.
Mr. Shakespeare is clearly not very good at authoring computer software manuals. Reading these was akin to sticking a fork in my eye, squeezing lemon juice into them, and subsequently dying from both a nasty bout of tetanus and a case of acid reflux. Worst of all, I’m still not entirely sure what this software is suppose to do.

“The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time” by Mark Haddon.
A painful effort at producing a piece of literature that clearly has too much to say. Seriously, how engaging can a 200 page novel be, when all it deals with is a dog who has a bowel movement, licks his testicles, and then falls asleep on the couch?

“You Shall Know Your Velocity” by Dave Eggers.
A book about speedometers is hardly what one would call a refreshing idea. Even with the robot and sex angle, it is still clearly a waste of time and paper.

“The Five People You Meet In Heaven” by Mitch Albom.
That would be Joe, Joe Jr., Dorothy, Tammy, and Frank. Oh wait, you moron, there’s no such thing as heaven. That’s because when you die, you meet a few earthworms, a couple million nutrient hungry bacteria, and then you rot. Also, the plot tends to suffer when your characters (aforementioned dead person, earthworms and bacteria) can’t speak, and this book is no exception.

“The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemmingway.
A bit obvious really. Sort of like writing something called “This Book Has Words.” or “Sooner Or Later, I’m Going To Have To Urinate.” Nature writing should always have something new to bring to the table, but this book is severely lacking in every conceivable category – it is quite simply, a piece of shit.

“The Life of Pi” by Jann Martel
Please, somebody shoot me right this instant. Why anybody would want to write a novel about a complex number is beyond me (even if there is a cool picture of a tiger on the cover). One star out of five, and that’s only because of the cool picture of a tiger on the cover.

“Winnie The Pooh” by A. A. Milne
Don’t even get me started…