Abstract: I’ll get to my proof in due course. It’s not that long of an article, anyway, so why don’t you just keep on reading rather than expecting the cliff notes version here.

Introduction: First, let’s be clear. I don’t really care if you believe me or not because I have tenure. You can look it up.

Secondly, I only just became aware of the dire FSM controversy and the need for vigorous research on the subject whilst I was helping my son search the web for information on Tarantula’s for his 4th grade science project. One things for certain. When I was a kid laying on the living room floor in front of the encyclopedia Britannica looking up Tarantula’s and dreaming of becoming a scientist, I don’t ever recall accidentally running across Flying Noodle Monsters and letting that totally distract me. In all fairness, on more than one occasion I admit wandering off topic when running into depictions of the Mandinka tribe and its fertility rituals. But you sure can get off course on the web, don’t you agree?

It has been argued that the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is an omnipotent power governing all of creation. Actually, that’s really just something I came up with to paraphrase what I presume is the basic principle under discussion here. I’ve only skimmed the whole ‘FSM issue’ for the first time here tonight and I don’t really know if they are making such claims or not, to be really honest about it. I mean, that website has a lot of words on it.

If the FSM is omnipotent, this implies that stuff was created and didn’t just ‘happen’ by accident. Therefore, one needs only prove that things were ‘created’ and you got yourself direct physical scientific evidence that FSM is ‘real’ and you can even put that in a scintillation counter and it will be radioactive or something to prove that it’s there. Ipso facto semper ubi sub ubi, clap, clap zip your trap QED.

Additionally, a long standing unresolved problem in the field is whether FSM is infallible. Again, to be honest, it’s not entirely clear that this really is an issue, much less a longstanding one, because like I said, my son was itchy to get to the tarantula stuff so I really didn’t read the FSM website very carefully and don’t really know if they are making any infallibility claims or not.

But if they didn’t, they should have. Infallibility and omnipotency go hand in hand, or at least you’d think they would.

This paper summarizes my exhaustive research, which for the first time to my knowledge, exploits a novel physical technique described herein to uncover strong, incontrovertible evidence, for exactly whatever it is you are looking for in this contest, because I didn’t read the contest rules thoroughly so I’m not exactly certain whether this research paper addresses your needs.

Methods: The web was googled using randomly generated keywords obtained with the aid of a proprietary ‘green’ powered electronic Ouija board. The energy source driving the board was a novel electrical generator powered by a 3 month old male pet hamster running an exercise wheel in a fully bedded hamster cage with free access to food, water and copulation with a female cage mate (Fig 1). As the experiments were running, the female hamster was housed in an adjoining compartment to kinda ramp up the energy, if you know what I mean.

The randomly generated keywords so generated were subsequently used to search the web with the magical google search function interface in a pseudo-quantitative semi-unbiased manner. Any page hits making reference to stem cells were discarded. All website hits containing pornography or links to pornography were bookmarked for future investigative studies. Otherwise, we just went with the flow. All data are presented as the mean +/- SEM of triplicate determinations for n independently replicated trials. 4-Weight analysis of variance using the Colavita Bucatini post-hoc correction test was used to establish statistical significance. Alternately, representative outcomes are depicted.

All plastic tubing used in the construction of the hamster hotel was handled under provisions specified in international guidelines for the care and protection of plasticware used in research experiments.

Fig 1: Power generator for electronic Ouija board.

Results: The Ouija board routinely generated meaningful and useful keywords requiring only minimal deconvolution. For example, in one iteration the Ouija board output was “jcmwby83o%AKBX)>Q”, which obviously is a code representing ‘Penne Rigati’. Using google, the term ‘Penne Rigati’ searched the web, and quickly found websites depicting both cooked and uncooked noodles. The explanation for the latter is not entirely certain but preliminary evidence strongly supports the hypothesis that uncooked noodles are transitional species (TJM, unpublished). In all cases, the cooked noodles were depicted as a complex mess such as that shown in Figure 2. The simplest explanation for these results is that, in a random world, noodles can assemble in a 1st order dimension of high complexity.

Fig 2: Typical Complex Cooked Noodle Structure as Depicted on the Internet. Representative of 10 pictures randomly identified.

Unexpectedly, we also identified a class of supra-complex noodle structures. A Ouija generated code :”KUD^%$AM” was interpreted as “baby eating spaghetti” leading to websites enriched in pictures of darling children in high chairs smeared with pasta and pasta sauces (Fig 3). The simplest explanation for these observations is that noodles, which already assemble into 1st order highly complex structures, are capable of existing in a transmuted supra-dimensional state as a higher order complex entity and thus are not static beings.

Fig 3: Depiction of typical finding for higher order supra-complex noodle patterning.

We next investigated whether similar patterns in nature have been observed in other entities. To accomplish this, a meta-analysis of the hamster powered Ouija board generated code revealed a heptad repeat pattern (XxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxxX, where x = any character and X = any other character). Upon deconvolution, the pattern translated to ‘human brain’. A search of the web revealed many pictures and illustrations similar to that shown in Fig 4A, and to our surprise, also generated pictures of several tasty looking perciatelli dishes such as that shown in Figure 4B. The simplest interpretation is that the human brain is highly similar to a fat plate of perciatelli noodles, which happen to be the most advanced form of pasta currently known.

Fig 4: A) The human brain: B) Perciatelli with bacon and peas in a light olive oil with shredded parmesian. Note the striking similarity.

Conclusions: I’ve probably already said more than I should, but in any event: Other lines of research indicate that the human brain is irreducibly complex and therefore has been made by an intelligent creator. Perciatelli pasta is the most complex and intelligent past known, and looks almost exactly like the human brain. Thus, perciatelli must have been formed by a creator also.

Regular fettuccini and spaghetti, like perciatelli, are noodles, and have been observed repeatedly, like perciatelli, to assemble into complex structures. Since perciatelli looks like the human brain, it must also be irreducibly complex and since it is a noodle, then other noodles must be irreducibly complex. Taken together, these observations prove that a plate of noodles is more complex than the human brain and it’s origins are owed to an omnipotent and infallible creator.

Since the highest form of all things is made in the image of its creator, and since humans are less complex than noodles, and since parsimony argues that all complex beings are created by a single creator, then the creator looks like a noodle or a group of noodles, or even a plate full of noodles.

Therefore, this unbiased and statistically rigorous analysis provides incontrovertible proof that the creator of all things is the Flying Spaghetti Monster, since it is the only noodle-based creator known to exist at the moment.

Bibliography: The Internet, The Bible, The Simpsons

Acknowledgments: This work was supported by grants from the Marconi Brothers and from Colavita USA, a worldwide food conglomerate specializing in Italian and Italian-sounding food and beverages. The authors claim no conflicts of interests. Nobel prizes and other awards should be mailed to the author’s attention at his work address, which can be googled easier by the reader than it would take for him to type.