HOW THE SWISS INVENTED CIVILIZATION
An unexpected archaeological find has led experts to a startling conclusion: Stonehenge, the ancient circle of stones in southern England, may have been built by the Swiss.
This radical theory first took shape in 2003 when the grave of a Bronze Age archer was discovered about three miles from Stonehenge. Archaeologists concluded that the archer was Swiss from the attitude of the body, which indicated that the man died in the act of yodeling.
Since then, evidence supporting the “Swiss theory” has been mounting. The most vocal proponent is Mr. William Tell of Berne, Switzerland (born Skip Mandelbaum of Piscataway, New Jersey). A devout Swissophile, Mr. Tell is an enthusiastic champion of the history and culture of his adopted country, though he still has difficulty pronouncing the word “dirndl.” He has devoted the last several years to exploring the mystery of why the Swiss Guard is stationed at the Vatican.
“It is clear this Swiss archer migrated to the Stonehenge region around 2000 BCE and somehow won the trust of the indigenous population,” says Tell, “possibly by shooting apples off the heads of local children.” Tell contends that there are signs of a strong Swiss influence in the Stonehenge region at the time the monument was built. “Evidence suggests that the construction of Stonehenge was coincidental with the first local production of cheese with holes in it,” he notes. “The introduction of the word ÎSwatchâ to the local lexicon also dates from this period.”
The involvement of a Swiss in the construction of Stonehenge would tend to support the theory that the monument served as a sort of celestial timepiece. Scientists have long acknowledged that Stonehenge measures the seasons with great accuracy÷”with Swiss accuracy, as I think we may now say,” observes Tell. “Unfortunately, the big cuckoo bird that used to pop out during the solstice has long since been lost.”
Tell believes that Stonehenge may not be made of stone at all, but 4,000-year-old petrified Swiss chocolate. “We canât be certain until we take core samples to determine if there are almonds in there,” he explains.
If it can be demonstrated conclusively that the Swiss had a hand in building Stonehenge, Tell says, it will be “the greatest boon to Swiss culture since the numbered bank account.” It will also bolster his own pet theory that the Swiss built the pyramids. “You look at the shape of a pyramid and the shape of a Toblerone,” he says, “the conclusion is inescapable.”