To Whom It May Concern:

I am running an experimental science lab in my home. If the naked gentleman ranting around the neighborhood is able to direct you back to my house and you happen upon this letter, rest assured that that is what you found: an experimental science lab.

I am a scientist. Not in the strictest sense of the word, but in spirit. I don’t have any degrees or other credentials, unless you count an undying love of America and a giant green thumb. These passions are the foundation upon which I built the secret experimental science lab in my basement.

I believe that America was born with a mandate to excel and I’ll be damned if I am going to sit idly by as we slide down the global rankings. We can’t wait for the do-nothings in our government to turn things around. Funding for science? It’s a joke. That’s why we have to be resourceful. That’s why I developed several clandestine pipelines for psilocybin mushroom spores, marijuana seeds and opium poppy plants.

In order for our nation to thrive, every citizen needs to step up and do his or her part. Whether it is paying your taxes on time from your one legitimate business or, at great personal expense, setting up several hydroponic grow dens in your basement with accompanying experience rooms, it is essential that we focus not on the “I” but instead invest in the power of “We.”

What better way to contribute to society than to discover something new? And what better way to discover something – even things you weren’t looking for – than to experiment? Alexander Fleming went on vacation for a week and when he got back to his lab he discovered that a fungus had grown on a staph culture killing off the bacteria around it. You know what that turned out to be? Penicillin. I don’t know what I’m going to find out in my secret underground lab, but I do know that there is something to be learned from seeing how many hours of Xbox the average person plays after inhaling five feet of marijuana smoke out of a large water bong; there is value in testing the increase in happiness after different dosages of pure heroin.

There are burning questions that need answers and it’s a global race to the top! Can psychedelic mushrooms really open a portal to the fourth dimension, as has been reported? If you make them a pizza topping along with heroin or marijuana, which feeling dominates? Can any drug taken in a pink velvet room with white noise and some heartbeat audio replicate conditions in the womb, and would that be a good thing? We need to know.

As Plato said, “Science is nothing but perception.” I hope you, dear reader, perceive the situation in my basement the same way that I do: a passionate man-of-the-people scientist working diligently in his unconventional yet understandably-secret experimental science lab.

If it’s just you maybe you, put this letter back in the room, take a pound or two and call it a day?