Metric: Celsius

Measures: Primarily the vibrational and rotational kinetic energy of atoms (you know, hotness).


-273.15oC. This is known as absolute zero, a temperature at which nothing could be colder. Some Irishman named Kelvin came up with a scale that started 0 from this value, but basically had the same increments as the Celsius scale. He then substituted “degrees Celsius” with “Kelvins”.**

-40oC. Where the Celsius scale intersects with the Fahrenheit temperature metric (i.e. -40oC = -40oF). This temperature is as frosty as Canada/U.S. relations.

-20oC. Witch’s teat territory.

0oC. On a day where the freezing mark is reached, people may experience a certain sense of ennui, a small hint that there’s a whole lot of nothing out there. Drunken frat-boys waking up on a park bench at this temperature will agree.

11oC. If you’re from Vancouver and no rain is falling, this temperature means it’s time to take the top off the convertible. You’ll still be wearing your winter jacket (and so will your toy poodle), of course.

25oC. It’s wheat beer time.

37oC. The temperature of your head when you pull it out of your ass (I’m talking to you Ann Coulter.)

>40oC. It’s getting hot in here! (Authors advise removal of apparel.)

233oC. Good for burning books in a dystopian future that has creepy parallels with the present.

1,000,000 oC. Alleged temperature of nephew’s bath. Crazy brat.


This metric was developed by Anders Celsius in 1791. Arbitrarily, the temperature at which water freezes was assigned to 100 while the temperature at which water boiled was assigned 0. After Celsius’s death however, Carolus Linnaeus reversed the scale, assigning 0 to freezing and 100 to boiling. This cleared up much confusion and facilitated adoption of this metric by all nations on Earth.

Well, almost.

Contrary to popular belief, this metric is not actually named for its creator; “Celsius” is in fact an anagram of “cuss” and “lie”, the central tenets of the “Linnean doctrine” which was outlined in the 1793 treatise “I’m fucking tall” (please note: Linnaeus was an angry runt of a man).

Related quote:

“I don’t give a good goddamn about ‘degrees Celsius’ – if the temperature says 35, I’m wearing a parka.” (American tourist in Greece)

Use of “Celsius” in a sentence:

Celsius is spelled C-E-L-S-I-U-S.


** Inspired by Kelvin, the authors would like to propose the “wilsobuysian”. The height of mountains is typically measured in meters above sea level. We propose to measure them from the bottom of the Marianas Trench. 1 “wilsobuysians” (1 wb) is approximately equal to 1 meter (1 m). Mt. Everest is 19759 wb tall (8848 m above sea level).