PRODUCT MANUAL OF THE FUTURE: THE DEATH RAY
Congratulations on your purchase of a genuine ZapCo D-99 Death Ray. Please read these instructions thoroughly and carefully before handling, operating, or servicing your death ray. Careless or incorrect use of a death ray could result in serious injury.
Message from the President
Hello, fellow death ray enthusiast.
You’ve made the right choice with the D-99, the modern standard in small arms particle beam weaponry. The D-99 is ideal for hunting, home defense, sport shooting, and even frontline combat. Indeed, the D-99 has seen service in every major military action of the past 25 years, from Gulf War IV to Gulf War XIV, and has never let our men, women, and ungendered protoclones in uniform down. Built to last, your D-99 is sure to become a treasured family heirloom, suitable for any mantle.
Now that you’ve felt the rush that comes from nestling a positron accelerator snugly against your shoulder, you’ll never want to let it go. To make sure you don’t have to, consider joining the National Rifle, Ray Gun, and Assassin Droid Association, the nation’s foremost voice for people like you and me who believe that the freedom to buy space-age weaponry at yard sales is what makes America great. The NRRGADA is out there every day fighting to protect our 87th Amendment right to bear death rays and our 89th Amendment right to fire them wildly into the air at weddings and funerals. They need, and deserve, your support.
Take it from me, a death ray is more that just a fancy gun. A death ray is a friend, the kind of friend that can save your life, a friend to the bitter end. With a friend like that, you need never fear the unmarked helicopters again.
Good luck and good hunting.
Ted Zap, President and CEO, ZapCo Industries Inc.
The D-99 is a powerful weapon, so it is important to operate it in a responsible manner.
• When not in use, store your death ray securely.
• Never point a death ray at your face or crotch.
• Do not load your death ray until you are ready to use it.
• To repeat, never—NEVER—point a death ray at your face or crotch.
• Do not disengage the safety on your death ray until you are ready to fire.
• We really can’t emphasize this strongly enough: never, never, never point a death ray at your face or crotch.
• If you want to point a death ray at someone else’s face or crotch, hey, it’s a free country.
Special precautions are necessary around minors. Children are naturally curious about firearms, but lack an adult’s maturity and may not respect a death ray’s awesome destructive power. Never allow minors to handle a death ray unsupervised, especially if they’re your stepkids and they’re mad at you.
Getting to Know Your Death Ray
Key features of the D-99:
The muzzle of the D-99 is designed to accept all standard muzzle accessories, including flash suppressor, sound suppressor, and guilt suppressor.
2. Safety Selector
The safety selector has two settings: (1) ‘Safe’, and (2) ‘Fire’. When the safety is engaged, the weapon will not fire, not even when pointed at a TV tuned to The View. For this reason, keep the safety selector well-oiled at all times.
3. Power Selector
The D-99 has three power settings:
(1) light kill: recommended for small game and sport shooting
(2) medium kill: recommended for large game and home defense in jurisdictions with fairly generous ‘no retreat’ laws
(2) heavy kill: recommended for genetically-engineered ‘mega-game’ and settling property disputes in the Ozarks
Select the power setting that is appropriate in each situation, taking into account both collateral damage and destruction of evidence.
4. Fire Selector
The fire selector has two settings: (1) ‘Semi-Auto’, and ‘Full-Auto’. The default setting is ‘Full-Auto’. If at any time you select ‘Semi-Auto’, the weapon will notify you in the stern voice of R. Lee Ermey that you have selected a less manly setting and will go on to speculate about the lifestyles of men from your part of the country.
The stock of the D-99 is equipped with a reinforced butt plate so that it can be used as a clubbing or bludgeoning weapon, if you’re into that sort of thing.
The D-99 fires exotic subatomic particles called positrons. Never attempt to load the D-99 with any other kind of ammunition, as this may result in a catastrophic fission event that affects your warranty. For best results, use only genuine ZapCo PosiShot positrons.
CAUTION: Avoid handling, inhaling, or ingesting positrons. Direct contact with positrons has been shown to cause cancer, birth defects, Alzheimer’s Disease, Cushing’s Disease, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Courtney Love’s Disease, a wide array of autoimmune disorders, hair loss, and diarrhea. If you come into direct contact with positrons, immediately flush the affected area with water and consult an embalmer.
Cleaning Your Death Ray
The D-99’s straightforward design ensures easy cleaning. For routine maintenance, first disassemble the weapon. Then degauss the injector assembly, alternate the magnetic resonators (every 5,000,000 kilojoules or as often as necessary), and recalibrate the electrostatic lens using a #5 Faraday wrench. Finally, reassemble the weapon. Alternately, just wipe it down with a Confederate flag bandana and get on with your life, ’cause a little dirt never hurt anyone.