THE ELDERSBY MODEL: A SUCCESSFUL GRAND UNIFICATION THEORY
Last last Tuesday, a successful Grand Unification Theory (GUT) was accidentally found by a Mrs Eldersby of 29 Pennyfarthing Lane, London. Despite her having no formal training in any science discipline, and the fact that the solution was arrived upon by a series of highly unscientific events, the Eldersby Model – as it is being called – has attracted much media and academic attention.
In what experts claim is the first ever Proof by Accident, Eldersby laid down the basic Mathematical principles of what appears to be a successful unified field theory while attempting to medicate her cat and bake biscuits simultaneously.
“I had just started to bake some biscuits to take to the Friendship Group that night when I remembered that I hadn’t given Mr Fluffy his worm medicine,” said Mrs Eldersby in an official statement to the press. “We were celebrating Magerie’s 80th Birthday so I had lots of biscuits to bake urgently.”
The statement then detailed the exact nature of the proposed gathering, the finer details of those attending and some attached notes on Mrs Christy’s on-going hip trouble and officially classified her as a “poor dear.”
Professor Blaire of the Imperial College London’s Physics department claims that during the struggle to measure a dosage based on Mr Fluffy’s body weight and simultaneously bake a one-and-three-quarters batch of her famous blueberry biscuit recipe, Mrs Eldersby inadvertently stumbled across a flawless analogy for unifying the electroweak force with quantum chromodynamics.
And as a fellow member of the Friendship Group, he was also qualified to claim that the biscuits were “most scrumptious.” [F.G. Minutes, Prof. Blaire et al.]
The Eldersby Model solves a problem that modern Physicists have only been able to suggest possible, incomplete solutions to. But now that the proof has been found, Physicists around the world are experiencing the mixed feelings of relief that it has been solved and frustration over having not seen for themselves what is now obvious.
“Why I never worked out the mechanics of how cosmic strings can be carefully folded into the 29th dimension until light and creamy is beyond me,” lamented emanate physicist and mathematician Professor Hawking. “And holding the X boson by the scruff of the neck for Dimension 6 proton decay now seems painfully obvious.”
Mrs Eldersby put current scientists’ inability to complete a GUT down to the education system and how “they make exams too easy these days.” She then went on to mutter something about “not being surprised” young people couldn’t think because of excessive loud music, “they’re not even singing, it’s just lots of shouting.”
Despite much interest from several renowned Universities, Mrs Eldersby has declared she will not be pursuing a academic career. Although rumour has it that her work on folding fitted sheets has made some new inroads into the Reimann Hypothesis. “It’s all about examining how the folding lines the elastic up perfectly” she claims.