Parenting can be very difficult. And when you become a new parent, people will give you hundreds and hundreds of books about how to be a good parent. But what they don’t tell you is that there are secrets to parenting that you will not find in any book, even one from a bookstore. These secrets have been handed down generation to generation, parent to parent for eons. I learned them from my mother and she learned them from her father, who learned them from his Great Aunt Larry. And so on and so on. Well, today, I would like to reveal just some of these secrets about parenting.

The first secret that no one talks about is quite simple: babies are amazing creatures that look a lot you only they are much, much smaller. Now who ever told you that? No one, right? Also, you may know that children of all ages are little balls of energy. But did you know that if one is not careful, they may spontaneously combust. Yep, happens hundreds of times each year. Similarly, if your child screams like he or she is possessed, they probably are.

Now, a common experience that many parents often have is their babies and children interrupting their sex-life. In fact, your baby can be sound asleep and if you and your spouse make any kind of physical contact they will wake up crying. This is because of a small pheromone-sensing organ buried deep in their nostrils. But don’t go looking for it. Babies don’t like you touching their noses, and besides the organ disappears when you look at it.

Great. Are you still with me? One thing that many people don’t know is children are quite thrifty. Just put down an old battered box and a multi-colored all-the-bells-and-whistles Fisher Price toy and see what he or she goes for. They know how you spend your hard-earned money and are trying to teach you that it is better to save – especially for their education, or for the huge credit card bill that they are racking up by ordering all of those pairs of lime-green fleece pants that you are pretty sure you yourself didn’t order, though things were a little fuzzy again last month.

Children are mysterious. No, this isn’t a secret, but its true. You never quite know what is going through their tiny, teeny, little minds. So, if your baby throws things and watches them roll around the kitchen floor, he is really trying to tell you that he wants to be a major league baseball player, no matter how much you tell him he can have a better career in skeet-shooting or spelunking. A lot of people don’t know this, but it is a fact. You should also expect that he won’t appreciate the little miner’s helmet you gave him either, or the cool cave you made out of the all the pillows in the house and from your neighbor’s houses and from the stores.

Another secret is – when your child leans forward as if he or she is preparing to crawl, they are just playing with your head. Children already know how to crawl from birth and will do so when they are damn ready to – no sooner. Similarly, when your child is babbling and seems to say “da-da” or “ma-ma”, he or she is really, truly calling you by this term of endearment. They know it will get you excited and make you clap loudly. Children like to tease their parents and make you do tricks, like slapping yourself in the nose repeatedly for an hour or two or calling your ex-girlfriend and asking her if she’s been ordering lime-green pants on your credit card. It’s innate.

Finally, it is important to know that Children communicate telepathically. If you ever notice them staring off into the distance, it is because a new signal is coming in. I think this is because they are secretly planning the domination of much of the Earth’s resources, especially for some odd reason, coal. Either that or they are sending updates about baseball scores.

Good luck, new parents!

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