Wut up, tortoise? You think you’re all that ’cause you can swim really well and stuff? Well, sorry to disappoint you, son, but I can swim really well, too. Sucka. I need to wear water wings, on account I’m scared of deep water, but that’s still swimming. So bite me, fool.
Ooo, shark, what big sharp teeth you have! Too bad four out of five dentists think you’re a doophis. Boo-ya!
“Arf! Arf! Look at me: I’m a big fat sea lion! I can wave hello with my big fat flipper and spin a beach ball on my big fat nose. Arf! Arf!” Shoot, you ain’t nothin’—nothing but a seal that needs to lose mad weight. That’s right: you need to go on a diet, boy. I’m on Weight Watchers, chump. I got, like, eleven points left for today, too. Gonna get me a yogurt pop. Jealous? Ha-ha. Loser.
Hold up, octopus: you did not just call me “your bitch” because no way in hell I’m your bitch. I ain’t no invertebrate’s bitch. You’re my bitch, octobitch. That’s right, wut you gonna do about it? Huh? Wut? Wut? I didn’t think so. Pussy.
Hey, catfish, Sylvia Plath called: she wants her depression back. Snap out of it, sad sack. I didn’t pay seventeen bucks to watch some half fish/half cat have a nervous breakdown. Been there, done that, fish.
Yo, hottie cleaning the seal tank: me likes what me see. What you say after you finish scrubbing seal feces off that rock we kick this joint and go dutch on some daiquiris? No? Okay, whatever then. I was just jokin. Shoot, no way I’d go out with you. Think I might be gay, anyway. So later for you!
Well, what do we have here? Looks like a lazy-ass starfish. Is it hard work sitting on your lazy ass eating crud off that rock all day long? Shoot, that I ain’t hard. I used to do that all the time back when I was living with my mom. Got my own place now, though. Still get lonely at times, but all in all I’m a lot happier. [Sigh].
(Originally published on June 6th, 2005)