By David Ng

David (@ng_dave) is Faculty at the Michael Smith Labs. His writing has appeared in places such as McSweeney's, The Walrus, and also as an occasional blogger at boingboing.net. If you're looking for a graphic for your next science talk, he encourages you to check out his blog, popperfont.net.

TRUMPIAN SCIENCE: A SHORT GUIDE

Science should be done with all the “best” words. Data is shown via tweets. Folks with “intelligence” not to be trusted. China is mathematically removed in climate change projections. Hypotheses all end with a “CHA-CHING!” Scientific credentials include showing your birth certificate. “Pussy” is a medically recognized term. Citations include lawsuits. Expert peer review still sound, except for the bit about “expert.” All computer stuff to be done by some guy in New Jersey: not Russia. Breibart News is a credible scientific source. Scientific community includes that crazy relative of yours who believes mermaids are real but climate change is…

SILLY EXAMPLES OF THE INAPPROPRIATE USE OF SCIENCE JARGON

Monday Night FootTESTIS Hootie and the FUGU RUBRIPES Winnie the FECES MASTICATEbacca the Wookie Tchaikovsky’s BERTHOLLETIA EXCELSA-cracker Suite I can’t believe it’s not TWO BUTTOCKS AND AN ANUSer Joani PRODUCES OXYTOCIN FOR Chachi Bye bye Miss American CIRCUMFERENCE DIVIDED BY THE DIAMETER Chairman FELINE VOCALIZATION’s Little Red Book Hey FORNICATE FORNICATE, the Cat and the Fiddle. The Facts of STEM CELL / ZYGOTE / BLASTOCYST / EMBRYO / FETUS / NEWBORN

DARWIN: BEWARE OF JUMPING THE SHARK

Happy Birthday Darwin! In case, you weren’t yet aware, you’re currently caught in a year for scientific giddiness. A year where a collective hurrah can be heard from those who make it their business to hypothesize, analyze, and formulize. 2009 is the year of Darwin. It’s a double whammy – his 200th birthday, and also the 150th anniversary of the publishing of the “On the Origin of Species.” Both celebratory events because, if you remember, Darwin is the dude that said we were descended from apes, themselves descended from this and that creature, and so on, and so on –…

COMMON SAYINGS TRANSLATED INTO SCIENTIFICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS

COMMON: Hit the ground running. SCIENTIFIC: Conserve momentum. COMMON: My gut was telling me. SCIENTIFIC: My colon speaks. COMMON: If I had a nickel for every… SCIENTIFIC: x times 5cents, where x equals… COMMON: Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater SCIENTIFIC: Avoid wet baby head trauma. COMMON: Go the whole 9 yards. SCIENTIFIC: Displace by 8.2296 meters. COMMON: You are in way over your head. SCIENTIFIC: Anatomically speaking, you are likely upside down. COMMON: You spilled the beans. SCIENTIFIC: Entropy went up. COMMON: A little bird told me… SCIENTIFIC: Whilst under the influence of psychedelic hallucinogens… COMMON: Everything…

ISAAC NEWTON, STANDING ON THE SHOULDER OF GIANTS. EXCERPTS FROM HIS DIARY

“If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.” Isaac Newton in a letter to his rival Robert Hooke, 1676 – – – May 14th, 1665 Went to the post office today, thinking that I’d be picking up a grant proposal from the Royal Society.  Imagine my surprise when I turned up and instead of a grant, there was a giant waiting for me. May 22nd, 1665 A week later and I’m still a bit confused on what to do with the giant, especially since it follows me relentlessly.  Friends have not been much help in…

I SUSPECT THE I.P.C.C. REPORT MIGHT BE MORE EFFECTIVE IF IT WENT WITH ACRONYMS THAT WERE MORE NARRATIVE IN NATURE.

The IPCC report1 The STWBTIPCCFARCC2013TPSB report2 The OWCGWIPCCFR report3 The YIACCAYII report4 The OKSILTRIWSHAGTATTSAAEOTSOCC report5 The BTESCCIRINAGTAAIPOF report6 The OKTIA95LTIOFBTB100ITKOATIPITSR report7 The IOWSAACASCBAT report8 The MYCSTW100CITPRBWAKHTKOSTTTO report9 The SIATITRBYKSIW report10 The FFSJRTGROALTTRACNPOI report11 The ABCIDMOLPCOAGWFDOEICFFIIFFATL report12 The SCTINFSC report13 The AAYWWMLBGOTKOSMTIIBOLWLOMMOTOACISFMAOGEOCI report14 The ASTTQIAYOBWWTIPCCIS report15 The BIYTWTFJGALBB report16 The INWTTARSIIFHSLCHUMCPBTLUIPHBSWGTGWA95CTYCAYCCAGTBMTALDWY report17 1. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change 2. Specifically, this would be the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Fifth Assessment Report Climate Change 2013: The Physical Science Basis 3. Or we could go with Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change For Realz 4. Yes, it’s about climate change, and yes, it’s…

ANNOUNCING THE “VOYAGE OF THE BEAGLE” TRADING CARD GAME. PLUS A CALL FOR SOME CROWDSOURCED GOODNESS!

The Phylo project is hard at work on preparing the next high quality Phylomon* deck, and this one will revolve around Charles Darwin and his wonderful 5 year voyage on the H.M.S. Beagle.   At this point in time, we’ve enlisted the help of noted Darwinian aficionado, Karen James, who has nicely narrowed down the list of cards that are needed for this endeavour (see original google doc here). In turn, I have a group of folks in the backend of the phylo website, who have produced a number of nice looking “beta” cards that can be used to test…