IT’S A DEBATABLE CHRISTMAS
Characters (in order of appearance)
Sean Connery
Her Man Pain
Michele Bachward
Katy Perry’s Dad
Moot Romney
Newt Vader
Santa
HOST
Hello, Hello Everyone, and welcome to the Special Christmas Edition of The Sean Connery Show. I’m your host. You know, of course, me as the star of Zardoz and Dragonheart, but my friends just call me Sir Sean Connery. Thank you, thank you – please hold your applause.
On today’s Special Christmas Edition of The Sean Connery Show we have a real treat for you Yanks…it’s the First Ever U.S. Public Debate Among Candidates for the Next Director of the National Institutes of Health. Please hold your applause.
Now many of you might be thinking: Hey, wait a minute Sean, the NIH Director is an appointed position, not an elected one. But that’s what makes our field of candidates so special: these driven and committed men and women don’t let little facts like this get in their way, no, they drive around them – and that’s what makes America the great nation that it is – and that’s why I love America. Now, without any further ado, let’s meet your candidates for the next Director of the NIH.
First up: you know him, you love him, from former pizza delivery-man to former Presidential candidate: please welcome Herman Pain!
Pain approaches his podium, and places his name-plate on the podium, which reads: “Her Man Pain”.
Next up: she may still be campaigning for President, but reality won’t this powerhouse of a woman: say hello to Michele Bachward!
She approaches her podium, and reveals her name-plate, which reads: “Michelle Bachward”
Next, but not last: We know he can govern, but can he sing? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Katy Perry’s Father!
He approaches podium, where his name-plate reads: “Katy Perry’s Dad”.
And last but not least: fresh from helping Steve Hand collect shrimp from the Great Salt Lake: it’s Moot Romney.
A stuffed toy or puppet is used for Romney. It is placed on the table, it’s name-plate reads: “Moot Romney”. It is suggested that a stuffed space alien toy be used.
Welcome, welcome, all of you. Now you will each have an opening statement, and then we’ll be asking you carefully screened questions sent into the Sean Connery Facebook page. And so ladies and gentlemen: let the debates begin!
PAIN
Hello Everybody! We’ve changed destinations, but we’re still going just as fast: it’s time to get back on the Pain Train! I want to introduce you today to my master plan for getting the NIH back on track – because, as you know, ever since Mr. Francis Collins has been in charge over there, things have been kind of stagnant. In fact, the only real progress this Obama appointee seems to have made is starting his little “Translational Medicine Institute”.
Well I say: This is American, and in America, we speak American, and if your doctor needs a translator, then they either need to learn to speak American, or they need to go back and practice medicine in whatever socialist country they came from. Translational medicine is just a waste of taxpayer money. Under my new plan, you’ll get good old-fashioned American-speaking medicine!
Now my new plan for the NIH is called the six, sixty-six plan (he turns over a sign next to his name that has three sixes on it). Under my new plan, six percent of all submitted grants will be funded every six months, and grant durations will be increased to six years. My motto is: K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Why mess with all these scores and pay lines and who knows what all, when all you need are three simple numbers to keep America’s labs running. So vote for me for the next NIH Director, and I promise to make a mark on the forehead of American science. Thank you.
BACHWARD
Well Herman, a very interesting, but simple plan. Ladies and gentlemen, I am Michele Bachward, and I want to be YOUR next Director of the National Institbles of Health. And my plan for the NHI, unlike Mr. Pain’s, is not a simplistic numbering system that you need a calculator to figure out. No, no, no, my plan is a precise and strategic carpet-bombing of everything that needs fixing in our nation’s research plan.
First and foremost, we need to fix the gender inequity in science: and we need to start with the NHH. Now as many of you know, many current lab technicians are male – and I ask you: is it fair that these male lab technicians are taking jobs away from women? Everyone knows that lab technicians are supposed to be women, and that a woman’s rightful place in the lab is as a technical assistant. My first act as the new NHN Director would be to fix this gender imbalance and restore the role of lab technician to its rightful place in American science.
My next act will be to take science away from the terrorists, and so I would immediately close the Institute for Iraqi Science. Why should hard-earned American tax dollars be spent on the Institute for Iraqi Science when there are so many American Institutes in the NNH that need money?
The Host goes over and whispers into Bachward’s ear.
I’ve just been informed that there may not actually be an Institute for Iraqi Science. I have no verification of this information yet, but if it is true, I say: Huzzah, huzzah! Good for you NHI! Good job in preemptively getting rid of the Institute for Iraqi Science! It makes my job easier, and allows for me to concentrate on newer and bolder initiatives to help America’s crumbling research infrastructure. Thank you.
KATY PERRY’S DAD
Hello. I’m Katy Perry’s father, and I want to be the next Director of YOUR National Institutional Health. Now, I want to tell you something. I believe in freedom. I believe that our great country was founded on the principles of freedom and capitalism. And that freedom stretches from sea to shining sea and all the way into our own bodies and our own organs and cellular things and sub-cellular stuff. And to this end, I believe that each and every American has a right to the diseases of their choice – the diseases that they themselves want – as individuals and as Americans. Big government has no right to treat your disease, and it certainly has no right to do research on how to cure your disease unless individual Americans want that disease to be cured. Diseased Americans are also free Americans. To help insure this basic American freedom, I plan to open the Institute for Discovery of Incredibly Optional Treatments, or I.D.I.O.T. (he flips over a sign with the abbreviation on it). The Institute for Discovery of Incredibly Optional Treatments will, as the name says, be completely optional. No American will be forced to have their disease researched or treated by a bloated government research machine. And so if you vote for me for the next Director of the Natural Institutes of Health, you’ll be able to rest assured, knowing that the new I.D.I.O.T. is watching over our nation’s diseased population. Oh yeah: and I would eliminate the Department of Energy. No particular reason, I just don’t like it. Thank you for your attention.
HOST
Well, thank you, thank you everyone. We’ll skip Moot Romney, of course, since he is only a stuffed toy. Those were some great campaign speeches, some wonderful plans and approaches – I think our audience will agree: let’s give our candidates a round of applause. Now, for the second part of our candidate’s debate, we’ll be asking you each some carefully chosen questions that have been posted on our Facebook page. Let’s start with this question for Ms. Bachward: Wendy S. from Iowa City writes: Given Ms. Bachward’s well known stance on the non-existence of evolution, and given the well known fact that all of biology is based in evolution, how will this effect her ability to run the NIH.” Michele?
BACHWARD
Well Sean, that’s a very good question, and one that my staff and I discussed after church just this past Sunday. I know that many of the sciencers who work at or with the NNH are quite enamored with their little theory of evolution, even though most Americans know that it is not in the Bible. So to make it possible to keep the peace, I would institute a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about evolution in science.
HOST
(Long pause:) Okay. Is that your final answer?
BACHWARD
Yes, Sean, that’s my final answer.
HOST
Okay then, the next question is for Mr. Pain from a Ms. Sally Winchell who says that she worked closely with Her Man over the past 13 years. Quote: “We would often work side by side at the bench, and sometimes we would even pipette each other’s solutions. On many evenings I would put his tubes in the centrifuge for him, and sometimes I even had to take his tubes back out of the centrifuge for him.” Ms. Winchell doesn’t really ask a question, but I believe that America would like to know your response to her allegations.
PAIN
Well Sean, I didn’t know this debate was going to be so personal, but what I can say is that I believe that this Sally Winchell may be somewhat unclear on the mechanics of pipetting and centrifugation. I don’t want to call anyone a liar, except my colleague Ms. Bachward of course, but I feel that this allegation from this Sally Winchell person may simply be a miscommunication.
HOST
I see. And you’re going to stick with that answer?
PAIN
Until concrete evidence surfaces.
HOST
Very well then. Our next Facebook question is for Katy Perry’s Dad. A young fan from Idaho writes: “Dear Sir, I am a big fan of Katy Perry and have all of her albums. I know for a fact that you are not her father. Are you just using the name recognition to try to get elected?”
KATY PERRY’S DAD
Well, it worked for Bush Junior.
HOST
But surely that’s not your primary campaign strategy?
KATY PERRY’S DAD
Oh, of course not Sean. As you probably know, I’ve also got the endorsement of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal – and between the two of us we almost have one brain.
HOST
So, you’re admitting you only have half-a-brain? Do you think that’s a wise revelation?
KATY PERRY’S DAD
It worked for Bush Junior.
HOST
Hard to argue with that. Oh, I’m sorry, did you actually say something Mr. Romney. (He goes in close to allow Romney to whisper in his ear). What’s that? You say Ms. Bachward is actually a witch? (the Host leans in and listens to Romney again) You say you would bet $10,000 that she is a witch? Well, how do you know she is a witch? (He listens to Romney again). She’s called you Newt Romney so many times that she turned you into a newt? But you’re not a newt now.
NEWT
(Darth Vader enters wearing a Newt Gingrich mask over his helmet.) No, but I am a Newt. (He grabs the Mitt Romney puppet and throws it aside). Sorry Moot, the real Newt is here now.
HOST
Well, what a surprise – everyone please welcome: Newt the Grinch!
NEWT
Thank you, thank you. I’m sorry I’m late, I had to finish destroying a small planet – er, I mean I had to finish with some important discussions with my graduate students. That was just a joke about destroying small planets, heh, heh, heh. (He waves his hand out over the audience as he says:) You will forget the remark about destroying small planets. Now I want to tell you about my plan for a new, fully operational National Institute. But before we get to that, I want to get one little piece of business out of the way: HerMan…HerMan…for the last time, I am not your father! Okay, back to my new fully operational Institute. As you know, I have always been concerned with the ethics and morals of the American people, so I am proposing a new Ethical Vigilance Institute and Laboratory. (He flips over a sign that says: E.V.I.L). My new Ethical Vigilance Institute and Laboratory will foster research that will bring ethics and morality back to the American people.
SANTA
(Entering unexpectedly:) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
HOST
Hey everyone, it’s Santa!
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho. (Going over to Newt:) Now you just wait one minute there Mr. Grinch. The American people have fine ethics and morals right now – aside from a few, select exceptions (he waves his finger at all of them). Now, I’m very disappointed in all of you. None of you are setting a very good example for the American children. Well? What do you have to say for yourselves?
NEWT, PAIN, BACHWARD, KATY PERRY’S DAD
All gather together and sing (to the tune of Little Drummer Boy):
Come, they told us,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
Come lead the NIH,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
Our lack of skills we bring,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
To gut this science thing,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
Rum, pa, pum, pum,
Rum, pa, pum, pum,
We’ll shut down your lab,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum,
When we come.
Little scientists,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We all are richer than you,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We have no funds to give
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
No funds to give your lab
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum
Shall we twiddle for you,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
On our thumbs.
They all twiddle their thumbs.
Tea bags nodded,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
The elephants kept time
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We twirled out thumbs for you, (they twiddle their thumbs again.)
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We twirled our best for you,
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum
Rum, pum, pum, pum (they stop twiddling thumbs)
No one smiled at us
Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum
We and our thumbs.
SANTA
Ho, ho, ho…And that’s your final answer? Well, all I have to say to you is:
Sings (to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town):
(To Pain:) Oh, you better shape up,
(To Bachward:) You better not lie,
(To Katy Perry’s Dad:) You better wise up,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to town.
I’m making a list
I’m checking it twice.
I’m gonna find out
Who’s naughty or nice (he starts to take Newt’s mask off to reveal Vader, but Vader stops him).
Santa Claus is coming to town.
(To Bachward:) I know when you’ve been hating,
(To Pain:) I know when you’re a lout,
(To Newt:) I know if you have flipped or flopped,
And it makes me have to shout:
Oh, you better shape up,
You better not lie,
You better wise up,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to town!
HOST
Thank you everyone, that’s our show for today, goodnight and Happy Holidays.
EVERYONE
(Each waving and yelling separately:) Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and so on…
The End.