By | November 13, 2007 | archive, humour

Critics of pollution/industrial by-product origins for Global Warming most often cite two major alternative causes for the effect: 1) the sun; and 2) volcanoes. A comprehensive examination of the scientific literature, however, reveals a number of less frequently cited alternative models for the origins of Global Warming. Herein is a list of these often over-looked, but potentially important alternative causation theories.

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1. Mrs. Edwina Price (582 West Paramus Street, Apartment 2D, Cleveland, Ohio).

Although there is some conflicting evidence, many studies have documented the fact that Mrs. Edwina Price has left her oven on continuously since 1942. There have been differing reports of the exact temperature, ranging from 350 oF (Rigby, et al., 1972, “Mrs. Price Slow Cooks Her Pork,” Journal of Atmospheric Science 88:1298) all the way up to 550 oF (Jones & Albasha, 1991, “High Temperature Broiling Preferences of Mrs. Price,” Environmenta 78:456), and more recent studies favor a variable-temperature hypothesis first proposed by Allis and coworkers (Allis, et al., 1997, “The Temperature of Mrs. Price’s Oven Varies with Contents,” Nature 388: 1267).

What is not in dispute, however, is the continuity of heat generation coming from Mrs. Price’s oven (excepting, of course, the two well documented, but very brief lapses in 1958 and 1999: Ellsworth, 1959, “Mrs. Price goes Electric,” Environmenta 56:1282; Waddleton, et al., 2000, “Cool Summer Temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere: Evidence for Temporal Correlation with Mrs. Price’s Oven Repair Work,” Climate Studies 12: 55). As is well known, Mrs. Price has refused every request for information or interview over the past half-century (except, of course, for the highly publicized time when she shouted “Leave me alone you annoying scientists!” out of her kitchen window). Efforts continue however, and many in the field are hopeful that projected increases in funding for global warming studies will afford the development of novel strategies to get information from Mrs. Price about the underlying causes of this important potential Global Warming source.

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2. Dogs.

The correlation between the domestication of dogs and the end of the most recent ice age has been well established (for a review see: Aloin and Wister, 1999, “Dogs: Man’s Best Friends or Biological Engines of Destruction?” Ann. Rev. Environ. Sci. 22:144). This correlative relationship has sparked a flurry of recent research into the carbon emissions of Canis lupus familiaris. Heinton and coworkers were the first to demonstrate the unusually high carbon dioxide output of dogs (Orville, et al., 2001, “Dog Breath: A Global Threat Beyond Halitosis” Acta Climactica 17: 22), while several groups have contributed to the growing body of data linking dog aggregation to increased hurricane development (e.g. see Toothe & Klaugh, 2002, “Landfall Frequency of Hurricanes and Canine Demographics: A Meta-Analysis,” International Journal of Dog Studies 82: 7844; and Blistick, et al., 2004, “Here Boy! How to Call a Hurricane,” Scientific American March, 2004: 1822).

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3. Flan.

The International Union of Flan-makers (IUF) has filed a restraining- or so called “gag”-order against this item, and so this text has been deleted until resolution of this legal action. It might also be prudent for Global Warming researchers to maintain at least a fifty-foot distance from any custard based foods until further notice.

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4. Space Aliens.

Soon after completion of this review, all of the original publications on the Space Alien Theory of Global Warming disappeared from the scientific literature, along with all of the text for this section of this review. Both online and print journals where Space Alien Theory studies were published have now been found to contain successive pages containing only the text “This Page Left Intentionally Blank” in place of the original Space Alien Theory articles. No adjacent articles, nor any other articles in these journals, appear to have been affected (however, my cat has been missing for two days. She is a white Persian and answers to “Sparky”).

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5. Tipper Gore.

The first reports that Tipper Gore was highly exothermic were dismissed as simple smear propaganda. The tipping point for this theory, however, was the high profile study by Leachy and associates (Aliguera, et al., 2000, “Thermal Density Gradient Measurements in the Proximity of Tipper Gore,” Nature 405:1244.). Subsequent reports, while focusing on differing details of the Tipper Theory, nonetheless continue to confirm the basic findings of Leachy’s study. While there have been several attempts to link Tipper Gore’s explicit music lyrics activism in the early 1990’s to her global warming potential, none of these studies have yet found widespread support (for an example, see Fiste & Gluv, 2004, “Explicit Lyrics Debate Burns My Ass! Literally!” Globular Studies 18: 122).

When Al Gore was questioned about his wife’s potential role in causing the effect that he has campaigned so vigorously to curtail, the recent Nobel Laureate replied, “Tipper was hot when I first met her, and though some may argue that she’s cooled down a bit over the years, I think she’s still pretty darn smokin’ for a gal of her demographic.” This constitutes one of the only times that Mr. Gore has publicly commented on the Tipper Theory.

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6. There are no other alternate theories for the origins of Global Warming.

About vincelicata

Vince LiCata is a biochemist in the Department of Biological Sciences at the Louisiana State University. His laboratory studies protein structure and function. He owns two Britney Spears CDs, but one of them is an illegal copy given to him by one of his students. He routinely gives out more than 25% A’s in his General Biochemistry and Biophysical Chemistry courses, yet is considered a hard-ass. He is reasonably sure that if Britney Spears got in a fight with Jessica Simpson, that BS would crack JS like a little twig.