QUANTUM GASTRONOMY
We can safely proclaim that, in the twenty-first century kitchen, ”molecular gastronomy” is passé. Ever since Barbara Lynch unveiled a neutrino-infused chocolate ganache earlier this year, the trend in fine dining has been decidedly subatomic.
While we owe a great debt of gratitude to the flour-dusted shoulders upon which we have stood, it behooves us as men and women of food science to not rest on our laurels, however succulent they may be, especially when zested over a summer beet salad.
It is with that spirit in mind that we present a brief survey of the latest findings in the literature. Whether you’re aiming for that fourth Michelin star or just having a few friends over for a Nobel after-party, strict adherence to these methods will allow you to achieve those subtle quantum-level flavors which exist for only millionths of a second, but whose impressions last (much like radium poisoning) for a lifetime:
A particle’s position and velocity cannot be known simultaneously. Ergo, a watched pot will not boil. Wear a blindfold at all times while cooking. If no blindfold is at hand, arrange multiple pots on your stovetop in a sinusoidal curve, which will cause the wave function of the original pot to collapse. Salting the water is not necessary in this case.
A perfectly hardboiled egg should be immersed for exactly 7.237 minutes in water heated to a temperature of precisely 380.25 Kelvin (note for higher altitudes: convert to Centigrade and multiply by your exact distance, in light-years, from the center of the Hydra-Centaurus supercluster). Exceeding this temperature will cause the charm quarks inside the egg’s component atoms to misalign ever-so-slightly, resulting in that icky greenish ring around the yolk. Using cooler water risks transforming your egg into a strangelet, which, although rich in good cholesterol, is sure to end life as we know it.
For a fun fondue, bring the cheese to its triple point so your guests can enjoy all three phases of matter. Highly enriched breads, such as brioche, pair well with gaseous cheeses. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt this method with Roquefort.
When sautéing mushrooms, slice the caps into roundels of about 6.27×10^28 electrons thickness, give or take one significant figure. Olive oil should be spread over the slices in an S-matrix in order to maximize dual resonance. However, keep in mind that mathematicians are still trying to resolve superstring theory as it applies to extra-virgin olive oil.
To really bring out the flavor in tomato-based soups, reverse their polarity. Make sure the tureen has been autoclaved first.
If you are attempting a soufflé for the first time, you may be disheartened by your failure to locate the Higgs boson. We suggest upping the strength of the particle beam aimed at your ramekin to 8 teraelectronvolts. Or perhaps you are over-whipping the egg whites. Try, try, again! A great chef once said: ”do not be troubled by your difficulties in mise en place; I can assure you, mine are far greater.” Remember that culinary genius is 1% inspiration, 92% perspiration, and 7% margarine-of-error.
Only experienced chefs should try their hand at Schrödinger’s Salisbury Steak Surprise. It’s often difficult to gauge when to remove this dish from the oven, since it perpetually exists in a state that is both done and not done. Be sure your Geiger counter is set to ”purée”.
We’re expecting some exciting new developments in the field this month. The latest issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences has a paper from the Sauces and Scanning Electron Microscopy department at Le Cordon Bleu that offers an intriguing solution to the 4th Demiglace Paradox.
There’s also a palpable air of anticipation surrounding this year’s Julia Child Memorial Lecture at the Max Planck Institute, where it is rumored that Stephen Hawking will present the recipe for his famous Marshmallow Squares. Gordon Ramsay will also be in attendance. He’ll be accepting a dishonorary PhD from the Institute in recognition of his work in the field of MMMM-theory, which has claimed the lives of 46 MIT graduate students to date.