(Evidence for FSM)

The Kansas School board has recently decreed to include the theory of “Intelligent Design” (ID) into the school science curriculum [1], but in doing so, failed to provide equal opportunity to the similarily respectable and convincing explanations from creationist ideals stemming from Flying Spaghetti Monsterism [2].

Now some adherents to the Christian belief have even gone so far as to suggest, that the pastafarian world-view was indeed covered by the theory of “intelligent design” (ID) on the basis that ID did not specify who the designer was [3] and could therefore include Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.

However, it is absolutely clear to me that ID is in stark contradiction to both central beliefs of FSM and the daily evidence provided by Nature.

The World was Created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster
It is the unshakable belief of millions of pastafarians worldwide (supported by tons of fabricated evidence [4]) that FSM designed and created the world. However, it is a basic tenet of FSM belief that He, Who Created Mountains, Trees, And Midgets is essentially a bunch of flying meatballs wrapped in noodles. Thus, the pastafarian view of the world calls for decidedly un-intelligent, or in other words, idiotic design (I.D.) – especially so, since the I.Q. of meat balls is well-known to be only marginally higher than that of Dan Quayle [5]. Therefore, in the remainder of this essay, I will show that the evidence for I.D. is abundant and argue that this sound scientific theory should also be included in a fair and balanced science curriculum in Kansas schools.

The evidence for Idiotic Design is overwhelming
It is clear that the basic design of the human body contains many shoddy, useless, and even dangerous parts: the vermiform appendix [6] comes to mind immediately, as does the design-bug that forces humans to spent nearly one-half of their life-span asleep [7].

Other examples include hair growth in body parts where it is useless or even harmful [8], forcing a large part of the population to undergo wasteful and painful hair-removal procedures to the point of even employing “hair relocators” [9] to cover the lack of hair elsewhere. Likewise, the human chewing tools are not made out of the most wear-resistant material available (titanium alloys or carbon-enforced fiber would come to mind) thus often having a much shorter lifetime than their user, causing unneccessary suffering [10] and monetary losses.

As well, we needn’t even mention the obvious fallacy in not equipping humans with two heads, wings, a third arm, unbreakable bones, x-ray vision, and an ability to relax and be nice to each other for a change [11].

It is obvious that no intelligent designer was at work here – and it is just the same with the rest of creation: who in his right mind would have designed birds that cannot fly [12], eyes that cannot see [13], singers that cannot sing [14] or a fish with 4 brains and 60 anuses [15]. I could go on here, but others have done so before me [16].

So an intelligent designer is clearly out of question — which will come as no surprise for all Pastafarians. For do we not know that He who created all that we see and all that we feel is a Flying Spaghetti Monster, which implies that He’s all meat balls and noodly appendages – hence no brains, no intelligence, therefore there is little wonder that the world look as if things were thrown together in a high-entropy initial state [17] and then let free to develop according to pure chance and the occasional touches of His noodly appendages [18,19]. Given the ubiquitous evidence [4] for the FSM belief of creation, we therefore have no reason to doubt the existence of an idiotic designer, namely the FSM.

This short argument has conclusively shown that I.D. is – modestly speaking – a scientific theory supported at least as well as ID [17] and by including the former while excluding the latter from the science curriculum, the Kansas school board has committed an unconscionable breach against fairness, balance, and scientific integrity. We demand immediate rectification of this unacceptable situation to protect our kids from indoctrination in the classroom and to ensure the continuing welfare of mankind [21].


[1] link
[2] link
[3] link
[4] link
[5] link, link
[6] link
[7] It occurs to me that the need to sleep is an important bug we need to eliminate from our programming. (Martin J. Ling in See also: link
[8] Do you really want to see that? Pervert!
[9] link
[10] link
[11] For some bug and lacking features, see: link
[12] link
[13] link
[14] link
[15] link
[16] link
[17] link
[18] link, link
[19] link
[20] Putting unwarranted modesty aside for the sake of scientific clarity, it should be stated that I.D. clearly kicks ID’s a**.
[21] link