(Evidence for FSM)

“Its roots stretch back to design arguments made by Socrates and Plato,2 and even the term “intelligent design” is more than 100 years old. Oxford scholar F.C.S. Schiller employed it in an 1897 essay, writing that “it will not be possible to rule out the supposition that the process of Evolution may be guided by an intelligent design.” … From the uses Thaxton ran across at conferences and in his back issues of Science, Thaxton saw that intelligent design was already a functioning term in science, and it was just a matter of extending the term to the process of design detection in natural structures.” – Jonathan Witt, Ph.D.[2]

One of the great problems confronting scientific verification of the incontrovertible existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (hereafter: FSM, He, or Him) is that through His Noodly Appendage, he has the ability to transform matter. This circumstance makes verification through physical processes virtually impossible. However, basic facts that are beyond reasonable dispute can be established empirically by using more abstract sciences. As remarked upon above by a Senior Fellow at the Discovery Institute, there is absolutely no problem with using scientific principles that might be deemed “antiquated” by the heretical “Evolutionists.” This provides us with the means of proving His existence in a fashion that is utterly beyond dispute.

The answer to this dilemma is to be found in the Bembine Tablet of Isis. The tablet, also known as the Isiac Tablet, has played a fundamental role in human history by leading to the development of playing cards [3] as well as:

“The Isiac Table, as a work of art, is not of great interest. It is but a composition, rather cold and insignificant, whose figures, summarily sketched and methodically placed near each other, give but little impression of life. But, if on the contrary, after examining it, we understand the purpose of the author, we become soon convinced that the Isiac Table is an image of the heavenly sphere divided in small parts to be used very likely for general teaching. According to that idea, we can conclude that the Isiac Table was originally the introduction to a collection followed by the Mysteries of Isis.” [4]

Needless to say, this tablet, with its established antiquity and scholarly interest – “the image of the heavenly sphere” – is safe from any reasonable dispute. The following is the Benbine Tablet of Isis:

To the devout, but simple-minded, slave to FSM, the tablet might be a disappointment, as it contains no direct representations of Him. Nevertheless, the tablet does contain the incontrovertible proof of His existence. The problem is that the tablet alone is simply a map of the heavenly sphere. As we all know, maps do not look exactly like the subjects they represent and this is exactly the case here. In order for the map to make sense, one has to understand its key.

Luckily, the noted nineteenth-century scientist Eliphas Levi developed just such a key:

With this key, the rest is essentially just simple math coupled with scientific numerology. The formula works like this:

As you can see from the extremely simplistic formula above, He most assuredly exists and an image even appears of him as a natural consequence of writing out the formula. I feel perfectly comfortable in saying – and staking my professional reputation on the notion – that it is absolutely impossible to argue with the case presented above. To present evidence that is beyond reasonable dispute of your preconceived notions is the very heart of science and I – as a great scientist and devout worshipper of Him – take great pride in being able to do so on behalf of Him. May His noodles wrap us all in meatbally beauty.

[1] Throughout this text you will note that I employ the “Dershowitz Methodology” to establish a fact by using rhetorical devices such as: “This is a simple fact not subject to reasonable dispute,” “There can be no reasonable dispute about the basic facts,” “These are incontrovertible facts…” and so on. For an exploration of this methodology, see Norman Finkelstein, Beyond Chutzpah: On the Misuse of Anti-Semitism and the Abuse of History (U. of California Press, 2005) p. 91

[2] Jonathan Witt, Ph.D. “The Origin of Intelligent Design: A brief history of the scientific theory of intelligent design” The Discovery Institute

[3] “To him [Levi] the Book of Thoth was a résumé of the esoteric learning of the Egyptians, after the decadence of their civilization, this lore became crystallized in an hieroglyphic form as the Tarot; this Tarot having become partially or entirely forgotten or misunderstood, is pictured symbols fell into the hands of the sham diviners, and of the providers of the public amusement by games of Cards.” Gallery of Alchemy and Magic 1

[4] Alexandre Lenoir, cited in the Gallery of Alchemy and Magic 1