By Ryan McDermott

Ryan McDermott is a junior in college according to most reports. He goes to school every day, but only to say hello to his friends. His work has appeared on College Humor, Yankee Pot Roast, and bathroom stalls. You can talk to him through telegrams or you can email him at


The Einstenian Hillbilly Theory of Marriage: It’s all relative. Fermat’s First Theorem: The one he made in pre-school that showed why bullies are idiots. The High School Uncertainty Principle: You can never simultaneously tell how fast you should be moving in a relationship or at what position you are currently in. Central Limit Theorem as Applied To Dancing: In large populations, the drunkest people tend to congregate in the middle of the dance floor. Law of Large Numbers as Applied to Nerds: Just because that girl will go out on a date with you doesn’t mean you got skills. That’s…