Are you: an out of work writer, a devoted YouTube commenter, laboring over a screenplay? Are your Instagram captions two paragraphs long? Do you have a mommy blog?

A major cable network (Spike TV) is casting talent for Written Off — A reality show, focused on writing, hosted and judged by supermodel Kate Upton and spiritual self-pleasurer and author of more than 30 books (all pretty much on the same topic) Paulo Coelho.

Each episode requires writers to showcase their mastery of the English language with challenges such as: penning e-cards (conveying emotions people are too lazy to put into their own words), devising ingenious portmanteaus (think chilax and fucktard), writing obits entirely in hashtags (#wewillmissyoufluffy #butnotcleaningupyourpuke), generating highly “likable” Facebook status updates and writing nano-fiction (suitable for reading at a glance with peripheral vision—perfect for that new Apple Watch).

The judges will skim the pieces and berate each writer. Week by week, a contestant is eliminated or “written off” (get it? This is the kind of clever writing we’re looking for). The winner will get to pen a weekly blog for Vice* and write Coelho’s next book jacket (suggested key words: spiritual, awakening, discovery, pilgrimage, metaphysical).

If interested, send us a selfie. Feel free to pose in a bikini—who says summer has to end? No writing clips necessary.

* Vice will compensate for blog posts after one million unique visitors to each piece.