(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!) Pedestrian crap. Albert Einstein’s “General Theory of Relativity” (Annalen der Physik, Leipzig: Verlan Von Johann Ambrosius Barth, 1916) is crap. It’s oblique, it’s opaque, it’s bloated with transparent effort. Salted, sanctimonious effort. I literally fidget turning the pages. Einstein is the worst physicist of his generation. Yet it goes deeper. He also grovels to the reader–God, it’s hackneyed–trying to ingratiate himself with “quaint” turns of the phrase, “curved”…
The Science Creative Quarterly
From humour
UNFORTUNATE CHAIN OF EVENTS LEADING UP TO PLUTO’S LOSS OF PLANETHOOD
(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!) Pluto loses car keys Pluto steps in dog crap Pluto’s July horoscope warns of “personal challenges ahead” Pluto’s rent check bounces Pluto’s Mustang suffers blown head gasket Pluto constantly late to work Pluto’s girlfriend of three years leaves Pluto Pluto charged with solicitation of a prostitute Pluto becomes increasingly depressed Pluto seeks answers in a bottle of Wild Turkey
MY MASSIVE ROBOTIC NASA ARM
(Because it’s also the International Year of Astronomy, over the next few weeks, we are happy to present a few reprinted funny pieces that relate to this business of space – Enjoy!) 1 Went to the mall today. Bought some boxer briefs and an Icee. Stopped into the arcade and lost to some punk kid at Street Fighter II. It’s hard for me to push the buttons at the right time. Shuttle Remote Manipulator Prostheses (SRMP) destroyed Street Fighter machine. 2 Saw a friend’s band play, alone. I wish someone else would have come with me. People don’t always want…
HOW TO BREW BEER IN A COFFEE MAKER, USING ONLY MATERIALS COMMONLY FOUND ON A MODESTLY SIZED OCEANOGRAPHIC RESEARCH VESSEL
INTRODUCTION Beer brewing is as much an art as a science. Finding the right blend of delicate grains, hops, malt, adding just the right flavoring agents, boiling for exactly enough time to release the tannins, starches, humic acids from you wort, these are all skills that take a lifetime to master. Perfect beer is meticulously planned and carefully crafted. Screw that. You’re six days into a 2 month expedition, and if you were lucky enough to not be on a dry ship, it’s de facto dry by now anyway. You’re eying the ethanol stores, the crew is eying each other,…
MY TEAM FOR THE RETURN TO THE MOON
Commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing – – – I have assembled my core team members for the return to, and primary colonization of the Moon. I believe that the multi-disciplinary nature of the core team will afford the highest chances of lunar survival. Both human and engineering challenges have factored into my choices. Lunar comedian: I have chosen Maria Welfarr as my lunar team comedian. Maria’s offbeat humor and simple magic tricks will engender a healthy community environment in the lunar colony. Lunar teenager: I have chose Mark Salacey, son of Will and Beth Salacey, as…
REVIEW OF EZRA POUND’S “ON BIOCHEMISTRY” TEXTBOOK, 6TH EDITION
The long awaited and multiply postponed 6th Edition of Ezra Pound’s “On Biochemistry” continues the tradition of the previous five editions by costing far more than one would reasonably imagine such a book should cost. This is the fourth edition of the text published since Pound’s death, and thus also continues the biochemistry publishing industry’s penchant for postmortem publishing. Although Pound’s poetry and prose are stunningly beautiful, they serve as poor conduits for the conveyance of complex biochemical concepts such as oxidative phosphorylation or the citric acid cycle. The raw emotion of the reproduced hand drawings is nice, but they…
THE UNSENT FINAL COMMUNICATION FROM THE DESK OF ALBERT EINSTEIN
To Whom I Have Chosen: If you have received this letter, I have met my untimely death. Please know that I have not died by whatever reason(s) was/were publicly given, but was assassinated by extremist religious groups. My battle with them has raged for decades and I have made preparations, knowing this to be my end. My estate’s executor has dispatched this letter to you, as you are one of the top scientists in your field – be it biology, physics, chemistry, or another discipline. You have received this because you must now know the ultimate secret that I have…
GENESIS OF EVOLUTION
Adam and Eve, naked and not smart, sat somewhere in the Garden of Eden. A snake slithered afoot. It said, “Tss, come gorge yourselves upon the forbidden fruit and escape from your self-incarceration in the prison of ignorance.” Adam and Eve looked at each other, shrugged, and started having sex. The snake shook its head and took a pair of quick bites from Adam’s and Eve’s ass cheeks. “Yow!” they yelled. The couple quickly grew afraid and looked upon the snake much the same way they looked upon God. The snake said, “Tss, tss, follow me.” The snake snaked its…
PARENTS AS A NARCOTIC
Last weekend, Candace, Will and I visited my mother. And, while I was there, I realized I was very tired. Granted, I had not slept well the night before, but it suddenly occurred to me that I am often tired when I visit my mother. Then, on the way home, it also occurred to me that I often feel tired when Candace and I visit her father or mother. I brought this up to Candace. I asked her if she thought I had some kind of problem. “Have I developed a mental association with our parents…some self-imposed Pavlovian condition…is it…