– FROM THE ARCHIVES – Dear humans everywhere: People. I’m melting. I’m actually melting. Are you not paying attention to what’s going on here? Are you not following the news? Are you just out and out disregarding the collected and heated but (get this) generally agreed upon advise from a whole bunch of experts? Is it because you don’t trust them? Because please don’t tell me that you’d rather trust the advice of something like the current U.S. administration – an administration that (by the way) sounds sort of actually o.k. with the idea of the Earth and everything else…
The Science Creative Quarterly
From humour
DESCENT OF DOG
Samson shivered in the early morning chill, jingling the chain joining his collar and leash. The sun was a big orange food bowl hanging low on the horizon, bathing the neighborhood in its warm glow. Most of the residents were still in bed at this hour, but a few dotted the sidewalks with their best friends in tow. Samson led his best friend a few blocks to the park. It was the first Sunday of the month, which meant Pug Day. Many breeds of dogs came to the park, but the overwhelming majority today would be Pugs, the flat, wrinkled-face…
BILL HICK, SCIENCE PRICK, HOUSES ON FOOLS
Dear Mr. Hick, I’m thirteen years old, writing from Atlanta, Georgia. My friend has a German Sheppard named Sparky. Sparky is a neutered male, but that doesn’t stop him from sometimes demonstrating some pretty gross sexual behavior. What I mean is: He likes to hump my leg. He also likes to hump my friend’s leg, and the legs of a lot of our other male buddies. So my question is: Can a dog be gay? Billy Greeling Atlanta, Georgia Dear Billy, Well this is a strange question, Billy. At first, I figured you were going to inquire why spayed or…
DOLLY REDUX
The world mourned the passing of Dolly the cloned sheep in 2003, but the amiable ovine’s contributions to science did not end with her death. After three years of trial and error, the Scottish researchers who made history by manipulating genes to produce Dolly have announced another breakthrough: the creation of the world’s first clone-based haggis. Haggis, a traditional Scots dish made by combining the heart, liver and lungs of a sheep with oatmeal and suet and then cooking them in the sheep’s stomach, has not previously been linked to the science of genetics. “We thought we’d study the effects…
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE LAB: THE “REVIVARIN” STORY, WITH FIGURES
(See here first) Click here for larger view of image Once upon a time, I was working in lab late into the night. Late I say. So late that I was having trouble focusing both eyes in the same focal plane at the same time. Of course it also could have been from staring into the fluorescence microscope for 26 hours strait, and getting ready for the big conference that was coming up. The new drug I was studying, Revivarin, was not working consistently, and I was beginning to think that my presentation at the upcoming meeting would be a…
HOT SCIENCE-Y GUY OF THE MONTH – JAMES DYSON
This month’s Hot Science-y Guy really sucks. Okay, James Dyson doesn’t suck, but his inventions sure as heck do. Just ask my friend, Bob, who recently purchased the Dyson Animal Model No. I-Don’t-Know−Exactly-but-It’s-a-Lovely-Shade-of-Purple. Oooh… a purple vacuum… And boy-oh-boy! I sure would like one of these bad boys for myself. And this time, when I say “bad boy”, I don’t mean that in my usual way (see previous “Sparky” references). I mean I really want one of Mr. Dyson’s vacuums! Vacuuming is something I really like doing in the way of household chores. There’s a lot of bang-for-your-buck with vacuuming.…
NOW THAT I’M A ROBOT
Thank you all for coming. As you can clearly see, I’m no longer the person I once was. In fact, I’m no longer a person at all. Some may be tempted to call me an android. You’d be mistaken. An android is a robot with a human appearance, but when I got the chance to have my brain implanted into a robotic body, I opted for the bulky, box-like design. Why? Because, frankly, I could never stand you people and had no desire to continue looking like you. When I say “you people,” by the way, I’m not speaking of…
PRACTICAL COROLLARIES TO HEISENBERG’S UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE
The Cocktail Corollary No personal opinion may be freely expressed until a preliminary assessment of the listeners’ related opinions has been completed. The Sartorial Corollary The fashion value of any wardrobe-related purchase cannot be measured by its originator. The Trailer Corollary A motion picture’s true qualities cannot be measured until a ticket has been purchased, at which point opinion of the film will exist in an indeterminate state until the credits roll or the instrumentation leaves the theatre. The Flirtation Corollary No flirtatious comment or salacious remark may be unambiguously stated before the receptiveness of its target has been confirmed.…
DAVE NG IS BOTH A SCIENTIST AND SOMEONE WHO WRITES NASTY REVIEWS ON BOOKS HE HASN’T ACTUALLY READ
“Where The Heart Is” by Billie Letts. This book sucks. Why there is a picture of a house on the front cover escapes me, but let me save you the effort of reading this crap. Your heart is sort of in between your left and right lung. “Everything Is Illuminated” by Jonathan Safran Foer. I have to say that the general premise and plot of this bore of a novel is, quite simply, horrendous. I mean how much conflict are you really going to get when the principle setting for the plot is on the surface of the sun, and…