Experiments are failing. Confidence is disappearing. Each dark day feels a little more desperate than the last. I am in dire need of course correction and I’ve stumbled onto an absolutely foolproof solution that will undoubtedly have me rocking the bench again very, very soon.


That’s right. Drugs are the answer.

And nothing weak either. Though the irony of abusing nicotine while studying lung cancer scores well, cigarettes just don’t have the kick I’m looking for. With firsthand experience attempting to pipet after guzzling a sixer, booze are out too. And you can forget pot: my lack of beard these days makes it way harder to score and after smoking up I would likely spend most of my time at the bench attempting to convert our 3L filter flask into a bong.* Oh and caffeine doesn’t count: I’ve been rocking the bean since Day One, so having it there in the background is clearly not enough for me to be obtaining results. (Man, who isn’t chasing the jittery dragon, getting their fix from the Pusher-man in the green apron on a daily basis?)

The hard questions need the hard stuff. When faced with what I’m facing, you have to up the ante: spark it, shoot it, snort it, whatever. Get the hit, get the data, get the cure, get famous.

The trick, of course, is to pair the right drug with the right job. This is the Issue At Hand, man – the salient feature – and all will be answered by the following presented below.

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Chemistry: DIY people! Chemists should not be looking beyond their own lab to score. Mix and match whatever you have on hand – become one with your chemicals.

Psychology: Cocaine. Not only is it passed down from Freud himself, the inflated self confidence will help you overcome the insecurities that come from the realization that what you do is not actually science. Go with the Austrian Answer!

Physics: Mushrooms, marijuana, etc. – anything you have to go out and retrieve from nature. You people need to get back into the real world on the A-SAP. Richard Feynman played bongos – what can you do?

Forestry: Take the physics kids to the woods. Show them Nature’s bounty, then steal their wallets. Use stolen money to purchase ketamine. Mmm… horse tranquliizer.

Computer Science: Steroids. It’s the only way they’ll stop picking on you.

Biology: Chances are pretty good that you’re already smoked up, so why not sign off entirely by getting lost in the ether vapours?

Engineering: Don’t worry about taking anything yourself; you need to get the people around you high so they’ll put up with you. Seriously.

Mathematics: Speedballs = heroin + cocaine. You already know how it’s all going to end, so you might as well go out with a bang.

Statistics: Nitrous oxide. Because whippit-induced giggles will ease the pain when significance can’t be found.

Scholarship/Grant applications: Methamphetamines. Or get a triple espresso and snort some Ritalin. Whichever is closer at hand.

Sitting through a regularly boring seminar/class: Any barbiturate. (Please note that use of pentobarbital suppositories might not be the best choice for a crowded lecture theatre).

Revolutionizing field of research: LSD. If you dropped acid in high school, don’t bother – the flashbacks might be enough to carry you to Stockholm. Please talk to Kary Mullis as Timothy Leary is in orbit and Novartis is apparently stingy with their stash these days. A daily does guarantees a Nobel prize.

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You must choose wisely. If the recommendations above don’t at least augment your research prowess, they will help you forget the frustrations of your rigorous scientific investigation.

Look, the way I see it is this: if we treat disease with drugs, why not treat disease researchers with them as well? Bill Maher once said that while he’d never tried heroin, it sure hadn’t hurt his record collection. Doesn’t it stand to reason that this would also hold true for scientific research? It should be all about medicated medicators!

As for me… I’ve decided to hitch a ride with the peyote express. Mmm… cactus juice.

Think: “Mescaline don’t fail me now!”